Harsh, but true.

[kisschittybangbang]

It's so unfortunate how parents really will disown their children for things like being gay or transgendered. It just floors me.

Lex recently came out to his mother about wanting to take T and she was very opposed to it. He's been easing into it for a while now..., but in his words, this is how it went down.

L- "What if I did start taking Testosterone?"
M- "No."
L- "no what?"
M- "NO."
L- "no what mom"
M- "No, I gave birth to a girl. YOU. ARE. A. GIRL."
L- "You're a jerk."
M - "Well."
L- "Well nothing. That's rude."
M- (insert more on how Lex is A "GIRL" and 'mom' gave birth to a girl and what not)
L- "No you didn't give birth to a girl you gave birth to me and if giving birth to a girl is more important to you, then giving birth to me,... I really don't understand that, but if that's how you feel that's fine."


They really haven't talk to it beside that as far as I know and It's kind of summarized but this is how I got the story and I know his mom decently well and I can promise these are how she reacts, but I don't think I'll ever get over it. She just leaves me, for lack of a better word, gobsmacked(,because I'm one of those lame americans that uses wacky terms.) I just don't understand how you can just reject your child. or how she can just reject everything around her and bury it all underneath the carpet.

I know it doesn't always happen this way. there are loving people and parents all over this site who give comfort to their loved ones and I admire them, but this is still one of those harsh realities that will just leave me mystified. I just don't get it.

Anyone want to try to explain it?

OR just tell your story here as well?

OR lets hear how you reacted to your loved one when they came out to you

OR tell how you came out to them (be that the case  )

I'm curious and If anyone wants to share, MARVELOUS. But I think this is long enough, so.... I shalt post another time.


Bang Bang

[Nero]

I wonder if mothers of us transmen feel as if we're rejecting womanhood. Like we don't see it as worthy.

[hayden.]

"you're a jerk" really isn't helping his case.
with the assumption he's underaged, if his mother is disapproving; the only thing to do is wait until he's legal and do what he pleases.
until then, he (presumably) resides in his mother's household and has to abide by her rules.

i don't think it sounds like she's rejecting her child, she's just having a hard time with this, as almost all parents do.
though insulting her makes him look like the jerk.
he should try to see things from her perspective, as hard as it is.
my mother was and is the same way.
it sucks, but that's the reality of it.

[Lex]

Just to give a little more insight from my end of this: (hopefully I'm allowed to do that, if not.. I'm sorry.)

KCBB- I love you

Nero- My mom sees it as me trying to push her away.. which if this were coming from someone that doesn't know our relationship, I would understand.. but with my mom and I... I've tried explaining everything to her.. it just.. doesn't always get across unfortunately

Hayden- The "you're a jerk" thing is something my mom and I tell each other alot.. We have an odd relationship to say the least. I am 18 though, and I can see where she is coming from with no problem. I don't expect her to act differently because I know that this is usually the reality of it.

All in all, this is the begining.. we'll see where it goes.

[Mister]

Name calling isn't going to get anyone anywhere.  It sounds to me like this guy- presuming he is a adult- needs to give his mom some time and space from his transition.  He's got to move on with his life and show his mother he's happier/healthier/more fun to be around than when he was miserable living his life for other people.  That is when most anti-trans parents come around.

[TamTam]

I've been lucky enough to have not had much else but positive or accepting reactions to my coming-out.  The worst (?) was probably from my grandma, along the lines of..

Me: I'm gay.
Grandma: *sad face* Oh.. okay.  Have you ever tried dating a boy?
Me: *inward sigh* No..
Grandma: Then how do you know?
--etc etc--
Grandma: Are you sure you haven't been influenced by your mother's liberal ways?
Me: *gobsmacked*

But really, if that's the worst then I have nothing to complain about.  It's obvious she doesn't understand and that she's very worried about the potential of her getting great-grandchildren from me, but I'm nowhere near disowned or disapproved-of.

I had a reaction from a friend that made me cry, once.  I was really young and came out to my then-best friend whom I hadn't talked to in years, but had known my whole life.. she said..

"Oh, okay.  Now I know something new."



That, I think, is the absolute best reaction anyone could ever have.  It's the perfect, most joy-inducing attitude.  It's the one I try to have when people come out to me. 'Tisn't hard.

[You asked for personal experiences, so.. XD ]


As for explaining bad reactions.. sometimes people think certain things are more important than they actually are.  In the sense of.. someone being trans isn't so important that it's worthy of disowning someone for.  Y'know?  But some people just have warped priorities and ways of thinking.  Some people, if you do something they disagree with, don't understand, or weren't expecting.. it's a personal offense.

[kisschittybangbang]

TamTam! You are definitely one of my favorite peoples on here! I really didn't want people focusing on the one situation. I figured a real discussion could be awesome. I love you're friends reaction BTW. ^^ AND YOU USED GOBSMACKED!!! *Lame peeps style high five!*

and 

His mom tends to be harsh and reject a lot of things. Denial and feeling like a victim are her favorite pass times in my opinion. I don't really like the woman, but I'll just stop there with the negativity.

He is trying to get out of the house too. but jobs right now are hard to come by when you are still in school and whatnot. He's got a part time one, but yeah. I dunno. He's only 18 ...going on 19 in august... (He thought I forgot too, betcha betcha ) so once he graduates, more opportunities will pop up hopefully, but till then... he's gotta live with her.

[TamTam]

XD Aaaaw! Heehee if only you knew how geeky I am IRL. I hope that lame peeps style high five was also in slow motion..

I have lots more coming out stories if you're interested.  I came out to different family members at different times, so I have a library's worth.

[kisschittybangbang]

I'd love to hear them!

[Steph]

One thing that we must remember is that transition affects everyone, not just the person who is transitioning.  Another point is that parents often take it harder than others.  When we're born our parents often have plans for us; how we will be raised; our education; careers they would like to see us pursue; us getting married and the subsequent grand children etc, etc.  They brag to their family and their friends about how we are doing, what we've accomplished in life; our triumphs.

Then we drop a bombshell on everything.

While it would be great if parents did understand, it's often not the case and we can't expect them to.  What we can do is give them as much information as we can about this thing, leave the doors to communication open, and don't cut ourselves off from them.

Loosing our families is a very real tragedy that we must expect.  Lets hope that it doesn't happen as often as it has in the past.

LR

[Genevieve Swann]

i was born a girl but i always wanted to do what the boys do.   Im not Genevieve by the way,   my name is Sandy,  how does one know if one is in the wrong body?

[kisschittybangbang]

Really it's all on you and figuring out who you are, what you want to be, and how you are most comfortable. Then again, I've never transitioned before. Usually someone in that situation is very uncomfortable with their bodies and sometimes its complete disgust. Often They drive themselves into a depression. The only person who can really make that decision is you. Take some time and mull it over. Do some soul searching. I know that a lot of trans men are very hesitant at first and I know others who have always known and it took no time at all to come to terms with themselves. Take time, breathe, and just be honest with yourself.

[TamTam]

I'd love to hear them!

Prepare yourself for a book, lol..

I came out to my mom when I was really young, like around 13 years.  Her brother is gay so I knew she wouldn't mind, but my biggest fear was always that I would be treated differently for it.  So one evening she was standing by the back door smoking, like usual, and I went up to her and told her there was something I had to tell her.  I was really nervous so I hugged her, and we hugged for what felt like a long time, while I was working up the courage to actually say it. [I was still getting used to using the word 'gay' to apply to me, it still felt new and awkward.]  Then I said it and y'know, I don't even remember the exact words she said, all I remember is that she never doubted me, there was no awkwardness, and I felt relieved. I think I was so happy that she was okay with it that I forgot what she said.

I came out to one of my aunts a few years later, and it turned into a nice discussion. I never mind answering questions if they're genuine and not like.. judgmental or anything.  She asked me about how I knew, how long I knew, who else knew, what it was like.. we bonded. It was really nice.

My other aunt, her sister, I told just last year while we were at dinner.  Probably not the best place or time since there were other people present who didn't know, but I tend to do these things when I feel the moment is 'right.'  Whenever that may be. So anyway, she gave me a deer-in-headlights look and I got scared for a second that it would be a problem, but she said, "I just have to get used to it.. but it's okay."  I guess the shock was too much for her? But yeah, she's fine with it now.  I asked her to tell her husband for me because I wasn't sure how he'd react, he tends to be a bit.. harsh, I guess.  He's a good guy, but he can be a huge assh*le sometimes.  Anyway, we've never discussed it but he'll talk to me about how hot Anne Hathaway is and such so I know he doesn't mind. And he hasn't teased me about it which is a plus.

A few months ago I told one of my older cousins [who's actually my grandma's age] when she kept asking me about the cute guys at college and I was like "ummm.. I is gay.." and without missing a beat, she grinned and said "well okay, there can be cute girls, too, right?"  And I was so giddy. Seriously, she didn't even pause for a second.

My younger cousins were funny to tell.  I told them last year at Passover.  My one cousin [he was 11 at the time] always badgers me about if I have a boyfriend yet, finally he got sick of hearing me say "no" and he was like, "what are you, gay?!" and I smiled at him.  He looked all horrified and was like "REALLY?!!??! EEEW" and turned to tell my other cousin, also 11, but a girl.  She looked like she didn't really know what to think. Then he was like "That's gross, I don't want to see you kissing another girl" and I was like "well you don't have to watch, do you?!" and he got all grossed out. [FYI, I wasn't very worried or offended during this exchange.  This particular cousin is grossed out by just about everything I do, and the look on his face wasn't one of true disgust, so I was fine joking about it.]

The next day I brought it up with them again just to make entirely sure that they didn't really have a problem with it.  I told them both that if they had any questions, they could ask.  So we had a little conversation about it.  Then they started talking about the people in their classes who they thought were gay. Ah, 11 year olds.

Coming out to my brother was one of the sweetest ones. I told him a couple of years ago, I think he was 13.. [I'm 4 years older than him.]  A few months before, he had been going around talking about how gross gay people were and how it was wrong, so I was nervous about telling him.  I didn't know if he truly felt that way or if he was just parroting back what his classmates had said.

He would always ask me if me and my best guy friend from school were dating, and I'd always say no, and he'd always be confused.  So finally one afternoon he was like "Is he gay?" and I said, nope, he's not gay.  He peered at me and said "are YOU gay?" and I hadn't been planning to tell him so soon, so I said "maaaaybe.." he gaped at me and said "really?!" and I said "yeah."  He asked again if I was telling the truth, etc.  He thought about it for a minute and then, I swear to god, he asked "So does this mean I'll have a sister in law instead of a brother in law?" ^____^  I gave him the biggest hug, lol.

Ooh, and then I came out to said best guy friend.  End of senior year, while we were working on a big project.  We were watching the gay channel on TV and a movie about a little mtf girl was on.  He mentioned how he felt bad for 'them,' because he knew 'they can't help it.'  It felt like a perfect moment, so I told him.  What do you know?  He then came out to me. It was fantastic.  We were both equally shocked.

Sorry this was so rambly, I wrote it as I thought it. XD

[phantom_heart]

I love how open everyone can be. I haven't told my grandparents who are like my parents anything...they are way to stuck in there ways. They think being gay is a faze. They have family members who are gay and my sister is gay yet no mater what we both say they think she wants attention. I didnt relies i liked women..or at least i never aknoleged it till Adrian came out to me. So i guess that makes me Bi ^_^

I did however tell my mom whos more like a friend. All she said was "can you handel this?" I said "I dunno but i have to be i love him/her"