Coming Out...Again?

[Cade]

Over the past few years, I've been coming out to people. Mostly those I date. But in November I finally came out to my mother. She was not pleased. She has very strong views on the LGBT community and we argue about it often. But I had reached the point where I was sick of presenting myself as someone I was not. A few weeks after that horrible conversation, I came out to my father. Who also didn't take it well. He continually told me it was connected to my odd interest in sex. Which isn't true. I came out to my siblings a day later. My brother berated me, but my sister understood and even said it made sense. She could always see that I was thinking about it.

I had moved away, but because of a situation I ended up returning home for a short time and to watch the house while my parents are in Hawaii. I returned to a home where I was immediately forced back into being someone I didn't want to be. My mother kept saying it was silly that I even brought it up and that it was a phase. Since I plan on starting T soon, I've decided  that I need to talk to them about it again. Really explain myself. Usually when I talk to my parents I freeze up because I don't have a good relationship with them, but this time I plan on not letting them interrupt me and getting all of this off of my chest.

I'm just wondering what's the best way to go about this? I'm thinking about writing down everything I want to say incase I freeze up, then I'd have something to go to which will help me.

I don't know. I'm scared. Any help would be appreciated.

[IsabelleStPierre]

Greetings,

There is no easy way to come out to those in our life and there is also no right or wrong way to come out. I personally do better with the written word and my family is spread out around the globe so for me I came out to my family via letters. I also included copies of "True Selvse" with the letter.

I am including a copy of the letter I sent to my father...

I wish you the best of luck in this.

Peace and love,
Isabelle


Thursday, June 28, 2007

Dear Dad,

What I have to tell you isn't something that is easy for me to talk about. I do hope that you waited until July 8th to open this, if not it doesn't really change anything. I wanted to put all of this down in a letter to make sure I cover everything I need to say and I just seem to think better in writing.

As you already know I had been suffering from a serious round of depression earlier this year, which was coupled with all my health problems too. This is not the first time in my life I have suffered serious depression, which sadly has been a re-occurring theme in my life. What I have also hidden from the family is the multiple attempts at suicide I have had over the years (three actual attempts and thoughts of it with scary frequency).

Since a very young age I have always felt I was different somehow and in high school I finally started to understand a bit more about my problem. I have basically led a life in seclusion from people, building walls to keep people out and from discovering my true self. The problem is this has caused me lots of problems throughout life and not been healthy both physically and mentally.

I have struggled with this for years and this past year I sought therapy for about the 20th time to help address my problems. I didn't stick with the therapy for too long because I wasn't ready at that time to face everything. This past October I made the conscious decision that if life is to continue I first and foremost need to be honest with myself. In the envelope that says 'Open me second' is an essay named 'My life is a lie' which explains some of what I've been going through. This past December I determined that it was time to deal with my problems and feelings and I've been working on my problems with my therapist for the past 6 months.

I have finally come to accept myself and feel it is time to tell the rest of the family of my struggles. The root of my struggles is that I am a transsexual. I have known I am transsexual since I was a teen or younger, but have kept it suppressed and hidden from the world and those around me. I am sure you already know what the definition of transsexual is, but for reference I have included it here:

a person who strongly identifies with the opposite sex and may seek to live as a member of this sex especially by undergoing surgery and hormone therapy to obtain the necessary physical appearance (as by changing the external sex organs)

I would like to take a moment to say this isn't anyone's fault and according to the current theories is a natural occurrence of nature. The belief is that there are genetic/hormonal causes for transsexualism and has nothing to do with one's upbringing in anyway. If you have questions I am more than willing to talk with you about this and you can also call my therapist who can also help explain things in detail.

So, just what does all of this mean? And just where am I going with all of this? My goal is that at some time in the near future I intend to start living as a women as a precursor to getting SRS (sexual reassignment surgery). I have been on hormone therapy since the beginning of this year and the affects are finally becoming noticeable.

At this point I will say I have never been as scared in my life as I am today. I am afraid I may lose my family and friends over this and possibly my career. The one thing I can say with certainty is that if I don't transition I won't be able to live with myself. That is how strongly I feel about this and how important it is that I accept my true self and stop living a lie.

The reason I asked for you to wait until July 8th to open this is because I have also sent similar packages to Mom and Laura. I came-out to Andie yesterday, so basically my entire family now knows. I am not sure how Andie will take this as I write this today, so I wanted to make sure the family heard about it from me and not through the grapevine as they say. This is important to me and I want to be the one to tell those in my life about this.

There are only a few others that know and they are transsexuals I met through a local support group. It has helped a lot to have others to talk to and I have found that I am not alone in the world as I have frequently felt.

I have adopted the feminine name of Isabelle and I am currently planning to have my name legally changed later this year as I transition to living as a woman full time. I understand that it may be difficult to accept all of this, and if you choose to continue calling me Jerry that is acceptable too, although I prefer Isabelle.

Just know that I love you and that my feelings towards you have not changed in any way what so ever. I know this may be difficult to accept and while I don't intend to hurt people I also know it may be inevitable. In the envelop marked 'Open me second' is an essay named 'My life is a lie', another essay on acceptance and a copy of a recent Newsweek article on gender. The item marked 'Open me last' is a book called 'True Selves' which I have found rather helpful and I hope you will to. I am sure you have questions, comments, concerns and a ton of other emotions running through you right now, but just know I am here to talk to you about this when you are ready.

Love,
Isabelle

[Nicky]

Well, you told them. I don't think you need to tell them again.

The focus will probably we on what you are doing - e.g. As we talked about before I am a transexual, my name is now going to be this, I'm transitioning etc... If they want more information they are welcome to ask, here are some reaources, I would really appreciate it if you could love and support me but regardless I'm doing this anyway becuase it is what I need to do.

How you approach this depends on what you want. Do you want support, do you want a better relationship, or are you after acceptance? Make sure you work that in.

You don't need their permission so in that sense you could just go ahead and transition and tell them it is non-negotiable (should probably emphasise anyway that it is not up for discussion).

I think it is ok too if you tell them about how when you talk to them you tend to freeze up because you don't have a good relationship with them and that it is hard for you to express to them what you want to say, as such you would appreciate if they could let you finish before replying.

[Arch]

I was kind of wondering why you feel the need to talk to them again. You've already told them, and you already have a poor relationship with them; why torture yourself?

But if you really want to talk to them, a letter works for lots of people. Some trans folks read the letter out loud to one or more family members, and some send the letter so they don't have to see the family.

[K8]

I agree.  You've already come out to them.  You might think about what you want.

When I started coming out to my friends, I would find a place where I could think things through without being disturbed.  I would picture what I would say and what their response might be.  I would run through various scenarios, always trying to picture positive responses.  When I got comfortable coming out "in my head" I was much better to articulate it when I came out for real.  It helped me to practice before plunging in.

It may take them time to come around.  Or they may never come around.  It's up to you to decide how you want to deal with either of those outcomes.

Good luck!
- Kate

[Lacey Lynne]

Cade, while your situation is a challenging one, it is hardly an impossible one.  Like others have said here, writing either a letter or sending an e-mail may very well be the way to go for you.  I know it worked for me.  I sent a letter to my mom.  I sent e-mails to my two best friends whom I've know for a l-o-o-o-ng time. 

By writing, you get a chance to really think about what you want to say, how you want to say it and to change it around before you send it, if you think you can say something in a better way. 

Finally, while I did not do it, others here suggest sending a copy of the book "True Selves" along with your letters and/or e-mails.  Great idea.  That's the best book I've ever seen that simply and clearly talks about the transsexual condition.  Brown & Rounsley, the authors, specifically wrote it in plain language so that anybody could understand it.

Only thing I can say is, "Keep the faith, bro."  Take it a day at a time.  Believe that you can work things out, and you will be able to.  Hope it all works out for you.  Hugs!