How do I deal with it?

[nkcookies]

I told my mother about how I don't feel comfortable as a girl...I don't know if she thought I was serious(despite the fact that I was crying for an hour straight about it...) The reason I say that is..day after day, she'll rub my hair and say, "Aw..my pretty little girl." Man...and if she calls me Kellarina one more time(it comes from my first name and ballerina mixed together), I'm going to flip.
To make things way, way worse...the story about the "pregnant man"...my dad saw it and said, "It doesn't matter what he does, he will never truly be a man." I cried...My dad isn't typically that way. He just...doesn't get it...or even know about me.

How do I deal with it? What do I tell them? What do I tell my brother, my cousins, my aunts and uncles? Man..I'm crying thinking about it. There is a HUGH part of my family that is...>_> really, really Christian..I'm fine with their beliefs, but I KNOW if I ever came out to them, they would tell me to never call them again. I mean, I've been sort of excommunicated from the family for dressing like a "punk boy." That's just for dressing like a boy. Ha, I can't even imagine telling them. Though, I can't live in the closet forever...My family is so important to me, and there is a huge part of me that is battling over......do I even go through with any of this or do I shove it aside and ignore it? I can't ignore it though, I know I can't. After the last time I posted here, I tried to ignore it. I tried to be a "good daughter." I put on makeup and a dress...I felt like throwing up....My depression got worse. So, I know I can't ignore it.

It isn't just my family I'm having problems with. The main problems I'm having are with myself. When I look in the mirror, I cry...When I wake up and see my breasts, I just want to die. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and confused.

My parents have always told me since I was little that...no matter what, they would love me. They always tell me that. But how do I know if it's true? How do I know my dad won't hate me? My dad is the most important person in my life...I've been more of a son to him than my older brother.

I'm so tired of being alone on this. I realize it's very selfish of me to talk so much about myself, but please, if you can help me at all...How do I deal with this? What do I do? What do I say? Who do I talk to?

I'm sorry, I ramble. Thank you for listening though. Have a wonderful day everyone!!!!!

[Rhye]

Hey, you're not alone, and you're never gonna be alone. Wherever this takes you, you'll have someone to identify with. Here or elsewhere. 

I'm not yet 18 (soon) and I noticed something wrong when I was 16. I'd been feeling uncomfortable with girl-ness for a couple years previously, maybe since I was 14-15. While I've acknowledged my problem to myself, I've decided not to tell anyone until after I've moved out and really have a hold on my own life. That way I'm not at home and I won't be on the streets if somebody takes it the wrong way. Maybe your family isn't that bad, but either way, you want to seriously evaluate where you want to take this and when. Are you wanting to transition to male? Are you going to do this asap, or after you're independent? What sorta trans resources do you have in your area?

Welcome to Susan's, send me a PM if you need someone to talk to anytime. Sometimes you can't be the "good daughter" forever.

[nkcookies]

Thank you for replying!

I want to transition to male. Though to what extent still confuses me slightly...
It's something I want to do soon, but it's not like I want to wake up tomorrow and be completely bound up and telling everyone I'm a guy. It's really confusing for me to talk about...this is really the first time I've discussed any of it.

As far as trans resources, I have none that I know of. I live 2 hours south of Atlanta, smack in the heart of central Georgia...thankfully I live in a military/Air Force city, so there are a lot of people who are open minded from around the world here, but there are still tons of Christians who aren't as accepting of...well, anyone in the GLBT community. Not the best place to be for this sort of thing. >_< Can't drive though, so I can't go to Atlanta...(-.-)'

[Jay]

You say that you have tried to talk to your mother.. maybe she was just trying to make you feel better the next day by calling you her pretty little girl. Maybe you just need to come out properly to her, talk to her in depth about how you feel. It is hard coming out to family/friends but we all have to do it sometime. I am guessing that you are quite young. 

To make things way, way worse...the story about the "pregnant man"...my dad saw it and said, "It doesn't matter what he does, he will never truly be a man."

My father is just as small minded as this, as well. And probably never see me as a man but he hasn't said that he hates the fact that I am changing. Just thinks I am going to regret it.

Can't you write a letter to your parents and tell them how you feel? Sometimes its an easier option rather than telling them face to face.

Jay

[Cindy]

Hi Bro

I agree with Jay that a well written letter pouring out your heart sometimes hits the target. I think your Dad is being typical of insulated male behaviour, he is equating maleness with testicles and of course he is wrong. Could always ask him if Lance Armstrong is male , 'cos he doesn't have testes. Lots of XY don't. He probably doesn't think gay males are male. Your Mum may be patronising in thinking you are going through a "stage". I told my parents I was female when I was 13, it didn't go down well. Both of my parents thought I was going through teenage boy stuff ( yer like teenage boys wear dresses around the house, put on make up etc); it was just the opposite I was desperate for teenage girl stuff. And it never went away.
Keep trying and my heart goes out to you.

Love and Hugs
An older sister
Cindy James

[kody2011]

hey, it'll be okay...I'm in the exact same boat right now. Talk it over with anyone that's willing to listen. Or just write down everything that goes through your head. It doesn't really solve anything, but it does help. Just remember to keep your chin up and don't give in. It may take some time, but you'll get through it.