I'm trying to write a letter to my mom, and this is what came out...Please, give me feedback. I sort of ramble in it, so sorry for that.
Dear Mom,
I can't beat around the bush on this subject. I want to be a boy. I tried for a long time to think of some way to put it more easily, but there really is no way for me. Mom, you call me your little girl, but I can't begin to see myself as that. You always wanted a little girl who would let you dress her up, let you play with her hair, someone you could go shopping with, a child you could put makeup on. Have I ever been that? Have I ever been your daughter? I can't count how many times I'd be rough housing and you would say to me, "Stop being so rough...you need to be more feminine. You're a girl." I hated it when you'd say that. It wasn't because it hurt me in any way, but it just didn't feel right. For a long time, I've asked myself the question, "Who am I?" Mom, let me, for the first time, ask you that question. Who am I? Who have I been my whole life? Was I your daughter or your son? Please, try to really, honestly think about it. You know me better than anyone. So, please, help me not to be confused. I want to be a brother, not a sister. I want to be a son, not a daughter. If I ever have kids, I want to be a father, not a mother. I can't see myself in any other way. When I think about relationships, I see myself as a male. I feel sick, scared, confused when I try to view myself as a female. When I was younger, I'd see these guys in the movies, and I'd say to myself, "I wish I looked like him." It confused the hell out of me; sometimes it still does.
I remember the first time someone thought I was a boy online...I felt more comfortable in that position, in that role...the "gay guy friend." I loved it. I don't understand girl stuff, Mom. I can sympithize with period pains and certain other problems, but other than that, I'm really quite lost in the world of females. In fact, I only have 2 female friends(One of them might as well be a sterotypical teenage boy and the other is a sports nut who loves video games). It isn't because I don't like hanging out with certain girls, but most females say I'm weird. Most girls I went to school with said there was something odd about me. It's like there is an aura about me that is different from other people. All my ex's have come out as gay or bi to me. I remember asking one of my ex's why he decided I should be the first person he came out to. He said, "Because out of everyone I've met, you're the first person who I ever felt could understand. There is something that, from the first time we talked to each other, made me feel safe and comfortable with you. You are the person who made me feel like it's okay to really be me." Hearing that confused me. I did understand, but I just didn't know why.
Mom, I'm a gay guy in a girl's body and it's okay to be me. No matter what anyone says, I love who I am as a person, and I need to start being who I am on the outside. I can't go around pretending like nothing about me is different. The reason I went by Nicky at school was because I was trying to cling to the last little bit of me that saw myself as the female I hated. I thought, if I act enough like a girl and enforce the female role, I can become a better daughter. It failed. Oh, man, that plan crashed and burned. Mom, please let me be me. Please love me no matter who I choose to be, and Mom, I choose to be Nick not Nicky.
I love you, Mom. You know I always will.
Nick
