"Post-transition" stress and paranoya

[Pogotractor]

Does anyone get this?

I completely pass as a male. I have been working out more intensely for a little while and I already see some change. I have been on T for a bit over a year but I am confused about the result. And positively surprised. I had my mastectomy done about 8 weeks ago and my self esteem is going up so fast that it's frightening. I am thinking about being an enterpreneur since I can't get a job and so on. This world feels like it's my oyster. I feel like I look good and that I can do anything. Soon I will be legally male too and after that nothing is stopping me. I ended up being a good looking man.

I am almost 30 and I have been mentally ill and unable to do anything all my life but now things are going so well. It's actually frightening. I feel stupid for admitting it but I am afraid of things going well because I am so used to being a miserable blobfish creature. My life had never been this ok. There has always been something that's trying to drown me. I am paranoid. Competely paranoid under the surface. I am afraid that one day the farmacy won't have my T or somebody tells somebody else that I am trans or some stupid little thing that messes up my whole life happens. I am also constantly afraid of not passing as a male although I know I pass.

My transition is pretty much done for now. I have been focused on it for years. I should start my life now and I am exited but I am also frightened because I am not used to just having life without some serious stress. I make extra stress out of nothing. It's stupid.

[bobbisue]

   I am in a very different situation I am a 57 year old MTF I have always managed to fight the battles mostly alone right now things are coming together and yet I am feeling alone and isolated maybe its my mind saying things will fall apart again like they have before when things start to get good I dont know but I do empathize with you

    bobbisue

[SailorMars1994]

I can relate to some degree. For me, i was actually afriad to be happy as a woman because that would have just confirmed what I knew but wanted to bee in denial about, that I am a woman and can move on. I am in th eprocess now of trying to get ahold of people for GRS after years of waiting. But yes, since I have shredded the 'male'' away I have been seeing myself more able to reach and achieve my goals and now, I actually have a future !

[Pogotractor]

bobbisue, I feel kind of lonely too. In real life I am alone in this mess. I am stealth about being trans and about being mentally ill so my past doesn't exist or should not exist. It's like I just ran a marathon but I have to say I haven't done anything at all. I don't know. I feel like a freak, an alien creature. I am thinking about trying support groups once again. Maybe that could help you too.

SailorMars, It's great to actually have a future. It is. I also get being kind of afraid of yourself. I tried to live as girl and I spent a long time trying to suppress my masculinity and manhood. I still sometimes get moments of deep shame because I am so masculine just because I was raised to be a woman and a mother and so on and I was bullied so bad for being masculine. Me being happy like this is against my upbringing.

It's messed up when you can't even be happy without feeling bad for it.

I am also thinking about GRS. I haven't decided on it yet but it's time to make decisions.

[Jessica Lynne]

I get all this. Excuses don't hold water anymore. We can't blame others or circumstances on what's happening in our world. So it gets kind of scary. Cuz' now we have to show our character. And the only person we need to impress is ourselves, the toughest of taskmasters. I feel like I have to do something of note so as not to embarrass myself or reflect poorly on womankind or whatever kind of nonsense my Id grasps onto. I keep hoping all  the angst just passes, that it's part of transitioning. But I fear and am trying to rationalize that angst may in fact be a human condition and not a transitioning one. One thing for sure that my transitioning has done, it's lifted the veil and exposed me and and my life for what they are. Where I go from here seems an open book and though it's exhilarating, it's also terrifying. What else can we do but to keep on keeping on and addressing all his new stuff and new feelings as they wash over us?

[Roll]

I know I have a lot of these same feelings, though from a slightly different point in the timeline. I've spent so much time with anxiety and suffering from the fallout of my genetic anxiety mixed with what I now know were the gender issues. But in the past few months since dealing with this issue, I've been almost overwhelmingly excited and have had virtually no anxiety. It is a weird state for me, and I have this strange meta-anxiety that everything is going to come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks (it's not the same sort of stomach-churning-I'm-about-to-have-a-panic-attack feeling, but a much more general feeling of having to brace for the inevitable).

[Kylo]

Yes, when you've lived decades of life when nothing goes right you will be conditioned to be suspicious when things are "going well". Even might have difficulty enjoying it properly. But eventually this passes.

The pharmacy not having T is a very real consideration and is always a potential issue. I would say just stay prepared as possible by having several months' backup supply in case of problems. What else can we do.

[Jenntrans]

It ain't and won't ever be easy being trans. I know that sounds messed up but it is true. Even if Trans was totally accepted and we were accepted as MTF or FTM or nonbinary, it would still be hard as hell. Paranoia is usually in your own mind and that is my favorite song from Black Sabbath. Stress on the other hand is just a part of life and you will always have to deal with stress. You either make it positive or negative.

So a little about me? I always knew I was different. I had to change schools in the eighth grade when starting puberty. I could not take gym class or what we called PE because I had boobs. When I did change schools then I got to be F instead of M and only the admin knew it. I got busted when I was 13 wearing a training bra and panties when my mom and dad came home too early. That was a fiasco for sure. I told them that I am a girl and they told me no I wasn't. Then I explained a lot of >-bleeped-< to them and they kind of understood? Maybe, maybe not but at least they let me be. And they paid a lot of money changing schools from public to private so I thank them for that. And yes my real name is non gender pretty much.

Maybe a thousand years in the future being trans will not be so taboo. And even though now it is way easier than it was in my youth, it will never be easy. One reason is that and a quote from the movie Kindergarten Cop, "Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina". Sadly that is true to how society views people.

I challenge everyone to see in others deeper than what they person appears to be. It sounds like BS but you can never judge a person. Even hardcore Christians that think we are abominations . I know first hand.

People in general are inherently good liars. They may hate you in public but are sexually attracted to you in private. Hell they may even fall in love with you in private and can pass.

So stop feeling all the stress. Be the best man you can be and it isn't about bulk and muscles but psychology and how you treat a woman. If you can pass you are lucky.

Why so paranoid? I mean I don't do the deal on the first date and it takes me a while and then slowly tell them in my own way. But yeah. It will always be scary to tell someone and I have and some did not care and some said, "thanks but no thanks."

But this is for everyone young and old. It will never be easy to be trans because the hardest one that has to accept it is ourselves.

I hope a lot of this that I wrote makes sense.

[PurpleWolf]

I can relate to this too! Though I'm not exactly post-transition, I used to have this fear that if everything is going too well, it all soon comes crashing down...! But it's entirely in your head  . You need to learn to love yourself and be more compassionate towards yourself! You need to start believing that you are worth to have good things in life too. You are worth it. A little by little you can start to trust people and life again,  .

I used to be very suspicous towards everything... due to past life experiences... And still am to some degree,  . I was even a little suspicous about posting here a few days ago! But as good things start to happen, you'll learn and recondition yourself bit by bit to the feeling that things can go well, too! And it's an exhilarating and relieving feeling too!

Here's a quote: To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did

Change, even a good one, always causes some stress. So don't worry about it,  ! Just go with the flow.

After all, you are what you believe  .