Hey everyone!
I'm Stephen, sometimes known as Stephanie in the electronic world... and I don't really classify myself as anything other than just general.. gender-bent.
I know I've had a certain fascination and jealousy of women since a very early age.. I can remember being 5 or 6 years old, and loving the way my cousin's one-piece bathing suits felt and looked one me... and it wasn't long before I was sneakin into Mom's room and dressing up in her clothes and pretending to be a girl in front of the mirror.
Eventually, puberty hits, and the hormone rollercoaster starts. Pretending to be the other gender starts becoming a sexual urge, as well as a certain emotional comfort level. And, as I'm sure others have felt, a certain source of guilt and shame. I just wanted to be normal. So I'd stop indulging in my girly times... trying to "fix" myself.
of course.. there's nothing "wrong" to fix...
it took me until the age of 22 to start becoming comfortable with myself.. and my certain level of gender-bentness. I found that my previous definitions of myself didn't fit. I knew I was't just a CD.. I mostly defined myself as TV... but as time went on and I came to new levels of understanding and acceptance of myself.... I came to realize that it went deeper.
now, I'm 23. and despite my levels of acceptance, I still have my inner arguements and clashes of ideas.
I like alot of things that are classically boy-things... action movies/games, martial arts, medieval weaponry (I just so happen to be a profession Renaissance Faire entertainer), girls (in the sexually-attracted sense), working with my male peers and gaining their approval, and I enjoy having a penis (how can you not like peeing wherever you want, even around corners?).
I also like girl-things. I like the way women's clothes look on me.. I like watching fashion shows, I like shopping, I love shoes, I like having my hair long (and silky-smooth and well conditioned). I like smelling like flowers or fruits (not those icky man-smells), I like boys (in that sexually-attracted way), I like chick-flicks, I like pampering myself.
There's more to it, too.. I'm not satisfied with my body.. never really have been. I want it to look more feminine.. I want hips and thighs and and good butt, I don't want my facial hair, I want a softer face, I want breasts...
but I wanna keep my penis... and I wanna be able to use it.
Sometimes.. the male side of me overwhelms, and pushes the female side back.. then it swings all yin-yang-like and the female side overwhelms and pushes the male back. I know I want to eventually pursue FFS... and I've done what little research I can on HRT on various internet sites... but there's very little information on the possibility of goign through HRT, but still keeping some sort of sexual function.
anyway.. now I feel like I'm rambling...
I guess to some it up, I'm just as confused as the next gurl...
anyway, hugs and kisses to you all. I'm just glad to finally be someplace I can talk to people who might just understand how I'm feeling
