Possibly a redundant question....

[PolarBear]

If you're like many of us the feeling never goes away. Maybe we must accept that it is part of us, or go insane, which ever comes first.

I'm beginning to see the truth in this. Done a lot of soul searching the last couple of days (I've been ill, and with nothing to do but lie in bed... well, no distractions, right?)
Anyway, I've done a lot of soul searching the last couple of days and I'm now really beginning to accept my GID. Not only that, but I'm beginning to accept that I feel male and that I might be/could be happier living life as a male.

I should be able to start therapy in a month or so, been on the waiting list 4 months already. Things will probably become even more clear then, but yeah, something shifted in me and it ain't all bad.


PolarBear, still ill and home from work, but calmer in his mind.

[avmorgan]

I would describe the times when I am "okay" with being male as the times when I am coping well. I never had a problem with being male in the moment, but I cannot bear to be male in every moment. I built my whole male identity around doing, starting with the fact that I presented as male to make people I cared about happy (or to keep them from worrying about me, or worse, thinking I was damaged goods). There are some things I can do where it does not matter what I am, and there are things I do because they have to be done no matter how I feel about it.

There are a lot of things that can blind side me and turn me into a complete, paralyzed wreck. Being around girls can turn me upside down, it only takes a moment to see myself in a girl's shoes (so to speak) and as soon as I do, I am hit with the reminder of all the things I am denied because I am not female. At other times, being seen as a man by someone, anyone really, can tear me apart, because in that same instant I see myself through their eyes and what I see is not me. The same thing happens when I see my reflection or a photo. It does not matter much where I am or what I am doing, the feeling of not being me hits like a splash of ice water and suddenly I am fighting to assert my own identity in a situation where I really cannot assert myself.

There was a time when I thought of myself as an invisible girl with an autistic brother. I was always me, but no one ever noticed I existed, and I spent all my time protecting and taking care of my brother, keeping the world from noticing that he was not all there. Eventually, I realized he was the one who did not exist and trying to make it seem like he did was destroying me. In spite of that severe dissociation, the realization allowed me to see that the man I pretended to be for so long had always been a part of me, and in a lot of ways, I make a really great guy. I can be him for hours, days, even weeks if I have to, but the moment I stop acting, I am just me, lost, alone and unknown.

Being him gives me something to do to distract myself from the fact that nothing I can do can make up for what I've been through or for what I've been denied. But, I can only be him when I have the strength to endure reality. I'll be honest, it is much easier to pretend to be him, and be seen as a really great guy, than to try to be myself through him and be seen as a tragic, twisted and confused freak. I spent too much time learning how to read people, particularly men, to not understand instantly how people see me. I say that only to point out that I would find it easier to stay male, be the man I appear to be, and be thankful for the life I've got. It is easy to tell myself I am okay with this, that I've grown up and I am better off being the man I spent a life time learning how to be than I would be trying to become a woman who missed out on all the experiences she needed from life.

It sounds logical, but to be that man, I have to cease to be myself. It's not hard. It's like holding my breath... um... yeah, not really a good, long term solution. Why does the girl in you keep coming back? Well, she's telling you to "Breathe, Idiot! Breathe!" You can be anything you want to be, anything you can find in yourself, as long as you don't deny who you really are.

[Chrissty]

Hi findingreason,

I've been reading your recent posts with interest. As with others here, I have been experiencing similar symptoms to you and I have been trying to deal with it in therapy for the last 4 months.

Unlike most folk here, I saw therapy as a means to deal with my GID, rather than a way to get prescribed HRT. Whether I will be successful in this, still remains to be seen.

A year ago, I was starting to realise how deep my GID feelings went, and I was trying to understand why they had surfaced. I was convinced that I could fight them as I have done all my life both consciously, and subconsciously. Two things appear to have happened in the last year that make this tougher than I expected.

Firstly, I think my subconscious has stopped fighting and my female side has become dominant.

Secondly, my major driving force to fight the GID was a clear view of my future as a male, and the love of my family. My GID appears to have attacked this by making every day reality seem like a dream. It just seems like I am outside my body at times, watching my life go by. I have even found myself questioning whether I have the capacity for love these days.

So the net effect is I have ended up questioning everything I do and want, and nothing seems to give any satisfaction other than the ability to survive another day in the hope that my mind will clear. My will to fight seems weaker than ever, and while I have never seen myself as depressed, I do seem to be getting moments where the desire to continue living eludes me.

I really hope therapy will help you. I'm sure it will help you examine you feelings and motivations, but as has been said earlier in this topic; from what I am finding, such self analysis is more likely to lead to acceptance, than the alleviation of your feelings.

It's easier for a smoker to quit if that person isn't around tobacco or tobacco smoke.

I imagine it'd be easier to stop wanting to be a girl if you weren't around women.

Interesting that my GID is kicks-off more when I am with a group of guy's. With the guy's I end up feeling out of place, with the girls I just "blend" without thinking about it until afterwards.

Good Luck Honey 



Chrissty

[Vexing]

i get more depressed as the amount of daylight increases.

I get depressed as the amount of icecream decreases.

[Inanna]

I wonder if GID is different in some way for people who transition at different ages.  Maybe I'm thinking about it all wrong, but is it possible that younger transitioners experience a slightly more "continuous" type that develops early in childhood?  Or maybe it's just a difference of circumstances that allow people to transition at different ages.

I can't really recall being in 'question' over my gender beyond the onset of puberty... I wasn't a boy no matter if my parents insisted differently.  Had I been raised in an informative environment as a child rather than one that hid transsexualism, I probably would have transitioned as soon as I could acquire hormones by whatever nefarious means.  As it was, I was 20 when I did learn, and I jumped right into it with not a day passing.  And I don't think I would've hesitated even if I was aware of all the consequences down the road (which are now starting to spring up furiously one after the other).

Hmm...

From one study I saw the average age of transition was approximately 33.  I can't understand suppressing something like that for so long.  I feel a surge regret I missed the window of transitioning in my teens by only a year, for such a stupid reason as just not knowing.  Thanks Bible Belt!  Tens of thousands of hours of learning stuff in school, of which of I'll use little, and all it would have taken was a few seconds for someone to share with me the most important thing I'd ever know.  Sigh.... society's priorities seem really backwards.

[K8]

Or maybe it's just a difference of circumstances that allow people to transition at different ages.

Circumstances make a huge difference.  I grew up in the 40s and 50s.  Christine Jorgensen hit the papers in the 50s, but at the time there were two immutable, unchangeable sexes: male and female.  If you had a penis you were male and that was that.  Any deviation from that thinking - even if you just had a penis and were attracted to other people who had penises - you were marginalized, shunted to the side, open to police harrassment and arrest for just being you, a pariah.  Those were different times.

Admittedly, I was very naive, but all I knew was that I should be a girl and wasn't and there was no way to be a girl other than having my fairy godmother show up with her magic wand.  Since she never came around, I adapted.  As one's life builds - career, marriage, children, etc. - it gets harder to transition.  You also get used to dealing with the fact that you are different.  You repress what you can so that you can get on with your life.  You know something is wrong with you (in society's eyes) but aren't sure what, but you know for sure that it is not something to talk about or be open about.

As it was, I was 20 when I did learn, and I jumped right into it with not a day passing.  And I don't think I would've hesitated even if I was aware of all the consequences down the road (which are now starting to spring up furiously one after the other).

When I was 20 the word transexuallism didn't even exist.  Please don't judge us late-bloomers by the standards of today.  We grew up in a very different time.  We each proceed at our own pace given our individual history and needs.

End of rant.  I will now retire to the parlor if I can find my cane. 

- Kate