relationship issues

[Mighty Tofu]

Hey guys (and girls if any are reading),

I'm new on here so here's a little background info first: Right now I identify as bi-gendered, although what I notice is that I feel 100%  better about myself whenever I pass as a guy. Not quite sure what that means, I'm just taking my time when it comes to figuring myself out. I don't know if this makes much sense, but I don't ever really experience any horrible dysphoria, but I do find myself desiring to go on T as each day goes by. I crave a deeper voice, facial hair, and I want my hips to go away!

Enough about that, here's my current problem:

I have been dating this wonderful girl for about 2 years now. We were actually friends for about 2 years prior to our relationship, so when we met and when we started dating I identified as a butch lesbian. Although she doesn't label herself, she is pansexual for lack of a better term. She's always stating "I don't fall in love with someone's sex/gender representation, I fall in love with them as a PERSON". Sounds great, right?

One night I broke down and expressed the conflicts that I have with being born and read as female, told her about how in the last few months I have been thinking seriously about pursuing T, and that I would like her to use male adjectives (i.e. handsome instead of pretty, etc). I refuse to choose between female and male pronouns right now because frankly, like I said, I'm still confused (I wish the English language had some genderless pronouns besides it and they!). Anyway, her initial reaction was this look of horror followed by crying, holding me and exclaiming "I don't know who I fell in love with!" It sucked because I wanted to be there for her, but I also wanted to push her off me in anger for saying that. I mean, I'm still the same person inside. Basically I was told that she doesn't think she can handle this, that now I've become a stranger to her, and she doesn't know if she could stay with me if I ever transitioned.

That was about a few months ago, flash forward to now: She has rented a couple of documentaries on transgendered people and I've caught her youtubing stuff and reading articles. Intellectually, she knows there's nothing wrong with it and that I am still the same person on the inside. I thought we were making progress, but about a week ago she broke down again. I guess what I'm asking is, what's the best way to handle this? I understand she has to mourn the loss of the "old me", or whomever she thought the old me was, but I also get angry because I still think I'm the same, except with an increasing desire to be seen as male. I feel horrible because I want to be there for her, but I have enough to worry about in regards to how I view myself. Are there any resources I can direct her to? Anyone else have a similiar experience?

[Jamie-o]

Yeah, I've gone through some similar things with family members.  I know, it's a different dynamic, but there's that same internal conflict - wanting to be supportive and understanding, but at the same time feeling incredibly insulted, misunderstood, rejected, etc.  Now that I've started T and begun transition in earnest, I find it difficult to spend time with certain loved ones, knowing that every change that is cause for celebration for me, is cause for mourning for them.  And, while intellectually I understand their viewpoint, I don't really understand it.  To me it seems as if I'm becoming visible for the first time; That, as I transition, I will truly exist for the first time.  But they see it as me disappearing, and a stranger stepping in to take my place.  It's like fighting your way back from the fairy lands, only to discover that your family would just as soon keep the changeling that was left in your place.

Unfortunately, I don't have any good advice for you.  The only thing I can suggest is trying to keep the lines of communication open both directions.  Maybe you can try writing each other letters explaining your view points.  Sometimes it's easier to be completely honest, and to explain your feelings in writing than it is face to face. 

To be honest, while some relationships do survive transition, a lot more don't.  It's a major upheaval for both people in the relationship.  On the other hand, the fact that she has been making the effort on her own to gain more understanding, and the fact that she started out with enough gender-awareness to consider herself "pansexual", are good signs.  I wish you the best of luck. 

And by all means, any time you feel the need to rant and rave and ask a million questions, that's what we're here for.  Welcome to Susan's. 

[Ellieka]

Hi M.T.

   I have been right where you and your girlfriend are now. My spouse did not take my transition well at all and she said basically the same thing your girlfriend did when I told her. She felt betrayed by me even though I didn't try to mislead her. She married a man and got a woman and even though she is a very open minded and accepting person this was still more then she could absorb in one setting.

   She still has trouble using the proper pronouns even seven months after telling her that I had to transition but she is still with me for now.

   My biggest mistake was firstly not being honest with myself. It took me 32 years to admit to myself that I was in fact a woman not just a deviant. This lead to my second biggest mistake in that when I finally came to grips with it and told her I started moving way to fast. I just over 2 months I went form living as a male to living full time as a female and that has had detrimental effects on our marriage.

  So, my advise wold be to take it as slow as you can and give her time to adjust. Its like I have said many times, I have had thirty two years to come to terms with this and adjust while she has only had seven months. Give her time to sort it out but at the same time don't sugar coat it and lead her to believe you can be happy with less then what you know you need to do or how far you need to transition. If you tell her, for instance, that you would never want a phaloplasty just to keep her happy but inside you know that is something you need to have done it will only further destroy the relationship.

  Most of all just give her time and be prepared for the eventuality that she or yourself may not be able to stay in this relationship.

   I wish the best of luck to you and her and I hope it works out for you for the better.

[Radar]

Cami, alot of what you said I can relate to. It's taken 30+ years for me to have enough and work towards the real me. Since I'm attracted to women I know it won't work out for my husband and me. There's also no way I'll be able to stay in my house as a "roommate" because his mother would throw a sh*t fit (he's a momma's boy). Everyday I'm becoming more and more accepting of this and mentally preparing to move. I regret not doing this sooner because of the pain I'll cause him and his family, but I just can't fake it anymore.