Feeling forsaken by God.

[samantha1976ts]

   Lately things have been going in a smaear for me and I have been so on egde. I have been yelling at my hurtful to my mother,words I have said over the last few days. Also I have been feeling like everything is closing in on me and trapping me to where I can't get out.And the thing is I am feeling so lost and confused inside and hating everthing about life, I know Im wrong for the things I have been doing and I am not mad at my mother, uncle, or family.
  I just feel like nothing is going as I had planned and it's all making me hate waking up in the morning just to be me a guy.I have been trying so hard to deal with th efact that its a slow process to transition, but if it wasn't for God i woud'nt be a male. I been pretty much religous my whole life and at times i have wondered whats the reason for being here if im so unhappy with who Iam. when Jesus was on the cross he said during his final hours or so FATHER WHY HAVE YOU FROESAKEN ME? to me that means have forgotten me or left me alone.Im not sure but i feel like he has done it to me,and has lsft this confusion to me. I am a strong minded person and have the will to continue this life but at times over tha last few days i have felt so alone and tired dealing with this crisis I live in.

I am not suicidal nor have the guts to do it.. I infact wonder about it sometimes, but i want to overcome these feelings and let go of the hate and anger i feel for God right now.
Why do i feel this way right now? FORESAKEN by God why doesn't he help me or comfort me?
Im just so tired and lost..
I just wanted to vent it here and let it out thank you for reading it.

[Kimberly]

Sleepy words from a child... (ok, granted, depending on your point of view)
Trust me, you are not forsaken. I realize my words have such little meaning, nor can I offer "proof" (how do you physically prove the immaterial? Well, never mind that.), so for what little my bare words are worth.

I just feel like nothing is going as I had planned

It. NEVER. Does.
Simply. An perhaps at some point in your life you might look back and find reason to it. I have; My life has been .. well, perfect. Exquisitely perfect. Hurts like heck, but ^*shrug* pain is pain, I've had worse. An this is what I needed. Not the pain so much, but the rest. 'Course some of it just rotten chance of course, but that is the way life works. 'course, I am just going on like some madwoman I realize so I will desist.

but if it wasn't for God i woud'nt be a male.

Tip from the inside tract, I chose this life. Yes, chose to be transsexual (to the surprise of I think two but might have been only one; The data is a bit hazy, heh, and I am asleep). Now, of course I really do not know if how things are for me are they way they are for you, but I certainly know CHOICE of what we live is at least an option to some, and frankly I've always thought everyone but ^*shrug*.

i feel like he has done it to me,and has lsft this confusion to me.

^{*soft smile, gentle hug*} Take it from a girl whom has been down some very dark paths. Never far. ... The old little saying about walking with "GOD" on a beach and for a time there is only one set of footsteps, and that is when "He" carried "you" ... it's sort of like that I think. ...

I am a strong minded person and have the will to continue this life but at times over tha last few days i have felt so alone and tired dealing with this crisis I live in.

That in itself is a lesson you know. An...

I am a strong minded person and have the will to continue

That may well have something to do with...

by God why doesn't he help me or comfort me?

To explain that thought, At a guess I will say simply because you won't let them. At least that was certainly the situation in my case. Is, in ways but I digress. An yes, I said them, "GOD" cares, and so do others as best I know.


^*HUG* Don't take it all too hard I suggest. While it is truly hard to see at times I admit, it really does seem quite remarkable to say the least.

Just sand in the wind...

[mina.magpie]

Sweetie, I'm not a follower of the same god as you, but if I may offer an outside perspective:

The main reason why being trans is a curse is because of the society we live in, because of the prejudices and misconceptions we learned from family, from friends, from our community as we grew up. Being trans simply is. Like being a left handed or red haired simply is. Yet, up until fairly recently, left-handed people were still discriminated against because society thought that they were somehow touched by the devil. That's not God sweetie, it's society. There's more truth than most people think in the saying that Hell is Other People.

Often, when I was at my lowest, when I was hurting and angry and sad, I sometimes would not even hear my mom or dad speaking to me, or if they did, I would misinterpret their words or intentions, and see bad things where there weren't any. I may not believe in the God of the bible, but I do believe in the divine, in a higher spiritual good, and perhaps sweetie, it's been there all the time, trying to show you the good things, trying to help you and comfort you, only, you've not been receptive to it yet.

Let go of the anger and resentment sweetie. The people who judge and hate do so because they are themselves angry and fearful. Don't let that same fear and anger eat you up from the inside as it has them.

Mina.

[Janet_Girl]

Hey Hon,

I also am not of your religous views, I am a pagan.  But it was once told to me, in a fit of angry, "God doesn't make mistakes".  I thought that is was meant to hurt me, but I began to think of about it, and now I would have to agree.  God made us this way for a reason.  We don't know why or what, but trust in your God and He will lead you were He wants you.

I have forgotten that as of late, but it is time to let Her Guide my life.  The Goddess has a plan for me, and I need to let her.

Janet

[vanna]

All gods help them who help themselves,
its good to keep remembering that.

[Rachael]

God does not help people, he facilitates them to help themselves. If you look hard enough, you will find the right path awaits you hon.

[SomeMTF]

Your God conception is obviously different than mine. The conservative Christian talking about God who helps only selfhish people. And sometimes everything has it reasons is a dirty lie. Sometimes would also be mature just say: We really do not know.

[Ms Jessica]

There's some good advice in the other posts here.  I'll try not to say all the same things, but I especially liked:
"There's more truth than most people think in the saying that Hell is Other People."

There was a story someone had related to me a while ago--
A person died and went to heaven.  They were being shown around by St. Peter (or whoever) and sitting around on the grass is a collection of Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, Atheists, Pagans, pretty much everyone.  The people all live together in peace and harmony.  As the tour continues, the person arrives at a huge wall, and it looks like there's a huge community that's been fenced in.  When asked about it, St. Peter explains that "it's the fundamentalists.  They can't enjoy heaven if they know there are other people here, too." 
The point of the story, and some of the other posts here is basically to realize that God hasn't forsaken you, the misery that many of us feel is not rejection by God but rejection by society where we aren't normative.  That doesn't make us wrong, just.... different. 

As one Christian to another, I've felt the same way; I wonder why I am the way I am.  It may be that there is some purpose to a person being trans.  Maybe God intends us to be activists within our communities and churches, to help our fellow Christians to not be hateful or judgmental towards people like us.  Or maybe being trans has as much to do with God as the color of your eyes, or your hair.  I doubt that God intentionally gives people debilitating and life-shortening diseases like Cystic Fibrosis, but I don't think that equates to God being ignorant of any suffering. 

I'm not sure what purpose, if any, there is for any of us being trans.  I do believe that God sees us, and knows us, and knowing I'm not alone is at least some small comfort (to me anyway).  Jesus said, "not one sparrow falls to the ground without your Father knowing" and goes on to say that we "are of greater value than many sparrows".  Like I said, I'm not sure what the deal is, but I don't believe that we are alone, ignored or hated. 

And one other thing, though I don't know you that well, so I'm not sure what your situation is.  A therapist is always a great person to talk to about your spiritual difficulties.  Or a priest.  Maybe you're seeing someone already.  Great.  If not, I would suggest that you get yourself in to see someone.  If you're worried about being able to pay for it, look around online, try to find out what kind of options are available to you in your area-- schools tend to have counselors available for any student with problems, many employers have EAP programs to provide you with help if you need someone to talk to.  Those are generally short term solutions, but it's better than nothing.  Some communities have enough trans people, or a sizeable LGBT community to warrant some kind of center or organization.  There might be group meetings, or a staff psychologist that you could meet with.  These things are all very helpful. 

[gennee]

I would like to ask how old are you, Samantha? Sounds like you are young so I understand what you are experienceing. God hasn't forsaken you. As Janet says, society reacts to transgender in hurtful ways.

As far as things not going the way you planned, welcome to the club. Life's journey is not straight and narrow but has many twists and turns. This can be all for the better. A suggestion: write down what you feel when you feel stressed out.  I read the following words from a devtional a couple of weeks ago that has blessed me. I pray it will bless you.

     Our lives are journeys that often detour us to places we least expect. But that's all
     right. Journeys rarely go as planned. Having a guide is better than making it alone.
     Thanks be to God who endures with us, and the Lord Christ who, if asked, travels with
     us wherever we go.
                                          ~from the Devotional Day by Day, January 7, 2009.    

Gennee

[Sephirah]

   Lately things have been going in a smaear for me and I have been so on egde. I have been yelling at my hurtful to my mother,words I have said over the last few days. Also I have been feeling like everything is closing in on me and trapping me to where I can't get out.And the thing is I am feeling so lost and confused inside and hating everthing about life, I know Im wrong for the things I have been doing and I am not mad at my mother, uncle, or family.
  I just feel like nothing is going as I had planned and it's all making me hate waking up in the morning just to be me a guy.I have been trying so hard to deal with th efact that its a slow process to transition, but if it wasn't for God i woud'nt be a male. I been pretty much religous my whole life and at times i have wondered whats the reason for being here if im so unhappy with who Iam. when Jesus was on the cross he said during his final hours or so FATHER WHY HAVE YOU FROESAKEN ME? to me that means have forgotten me or left me alone.Im not sure but i feel like he has done it to me,and has lsft this confusion to me. I am a strong minded person and have the will to continue this life but at times over tha last few days i have felt so alone and tired dealing with this crisis I live in.

I am not suicidal nor have the guts to do it.. I infact wonder about it sometimes, but i want to overcome these feelings and let go of the hate and anger i feel for God right now.
Why do i feel this way right now? FORESAKEN by God why doesn't he help me or comfort me?
Im just so tired and lost..
I just wanted to vent it here and let it out thank you for reading it.

To suspend my personal beliefs for a moment, here are a few of my thoughts, such as they are:

For the sake of this, I'm going to adopt your viewpoint, okay? Now, something in your post immediately stands out to me:

it's all making me hate waking up in the morning just to be me a guy

And:

but if it wasn't for God i woud'nt be a male.

It seems to me that the very point of your post is that the above quotes are wrong. If you were male, a guy, then you wouldn't feel like that in the first place. The conflict arises because you have a male body but you are actually female, a girl.

So... on that issue, what is it you blame God for? For making you female or for giving you a male body? If you went to Heaven tomorrow, what would your spirit look like? Would it be the same as your body? Or would it be someone different? Who would you really be if you suddenly ascended to meet God.

When you can answer that question, ask yourself... if you are your female self when you meet God, then was it God who gave you the male body you have or did God give you your soul and allow your parents to do the rest while it got on with making more souls, the important parts that would eventually return to it?

Is that body everything you are? Is that pile of cells and nerves and bones the entire totality of the person you believe yourself to be? If you were to spend eternity in Heaven, which part of you would be there and which would be decomposing in the ground?

I guess it's about perspective, honey. Perhaps the point of life, from God's perspective, isn't how we live it, since by your beliefs that will be weighed up when it's over... perhaps it's simply that we do live it, explore ourselves and our relationship with other sentient beings... learn... feel... think... be.

[Ephilei]

   Lately things have been going in a smaear for me and I have been so on egde. I have been yelling at my hurtful to my mother,words I have said over the last few days. Also I have been feeling like everything is closing in on me and trapping me to where I can't get out.And the thing is I am feeling so lost and confused inside and hating everthing about life, I know Im wrong for the things I have been doing and I am not mad at my mother, uncle, or family.
  I just feel like nothing is going as I had planned and it's all making me hate waking up in the morning just to be me a guy.I have been trying so hard to deal with th efact that its a slow process to transition, but if it wasn't for God i woud'nt be a male. I been pretty much religous my whole life and at times i have wondered whats the reason for being here if im so unhappy with who Iam. when Jesus was on the cross he said during his final hours or so FATHER WHY HAVE YOU FROESAKEN ME? to me that means have forgotten me or left me alone.Im not sure but i feel like he has done it to me,and has lsft this confusion to me. I am a strong minded person and have the will to continue this life but at times over tha last few days i have felt so alone and tired dealing with this crisis I live in.

Hi Sam!

We've all been there. Life is hard. Dare I say it's the hardest thing you'll ever go thru! Do take the time to vent from time to time when you need it.

However, don't end with venting. I'm assuming you're Christian given the Jesus quote. Remember that our whole life is a process of growth and maturation. Sounds like you're doing that and that means getting and better - stronger, wiser, more humble, and closer to God. The only way those virtues can grow is by living a hard life. If life were a piece of cake, we'd all be fat, ignorant, and spoiled. I don't mean to belittle your feelings; they're extremely important. Just never forget the big picture.

[Vicky]

Samantha: More than once or twice over the years, I have felt exactly the same way.  Its a pretty bad feeling when God does not live up to MY expectations.  UH HUH!! Thats usually what I found was the underlying issue!!  It was still very terrible and it did put me into a couple of places that were close to finishing things MY way instead of God's.  (Not an actual suicide attemp, but a very negative attitude and risky behaviors.)

There is such a thing known as the "Black Night Of The Soul"  which is a very real feeling of separation from our spiritual centers, but it is primarily a time when we are, or at least have a chance of, getting rid of some baggage that is left over from periods of growth that we have not adjusted our minds and bodies to.  God is important enough in this time to be missed. 

Even worse though is the time that I once heard refered to as the "Long Grey Tea Time Of The Soul"  where nothing goes terribly wrong, and not much is super great either. (Great times DO tend to get further apart as you get older.)  Its during this time that we lose either a feeling of closeness or apartness from God, and tend to put God out as either a symbol of our community status, or put God into the closet as we would a dust catching antique statue.

As "T" folks, we do not have the convenient road map that most other people think they do. We have to do a little more trail blazing in a wilderness to find our way.  (Yeah Lent is coming soon.)  We don't think this, we know this!!  Somewhere I just heard a loud chuckle that just told me to get hiking, because if God is going to lead, well, it'll be interesting. 

   

[Anima]

Personally I often think that when we feel that God is far away, it is not because He has removed Himself from us, but that we have removed ourselves from Him. I often feel that it is when I get angry at God, or get the impression that He is bad in some way, or that He is unfair or that He simply don't care about me - it is times like that that He feels far away, and I don't think it is because He IS far away, but because I have closed my heart for Him, because I think that He is something that He is not. So since I don't like the image of Him that I have made up in my mind I kind of trow out the baby with the water. I think the truth is that God is love, he is just, he is light, and He do care about me. Even if I am less then a tiny dot in a endless universe, still He knows all my thoughts and everything I am and do, and He always care about me and want only to bring me peace and life.

Blessings

[RebeccaFog]

Ben Franklin said "God helps those who help themselves".
He should have added, "God forsakes those who forsake themselves".

As long as you have faith in yourself and don't give up on yourself, God won't give up on you either.

Think of the way you have been feeling as a side effect of an illness.  You feel a little lost and depressed, so you behave in ways that you normally would not.  Several helpful ways to get past these feelings are to exercise - exercise burns off excess energy and triggers endorphins in your brain.  Meditation helps by allowing you the time to empty your mind of the negative thoughts and feelings.  Sure, life isn't perfect, but there is no reason for you to suffer unnecessary baggage that comes with that.  Find some activities that you like to do that you don't get to do often.  This will help stimulate your mind and break the rut you may be in.

Take care of yourself.  That's the most important thing. Have faith that what you don't have going for you now, will be there for you in the future.


Peace

[Alicia Marie]

Samantha,
Don't feel alone. Many hate their lives every day. That doesn't mean that God forsook them.
When I get down I think about Job (whom I am not worthy to be compared to) and his problems.
Here is a man just trying to live righteously and he loses everything he has. To add to this his "friends" tell him he deserved worse than what he received because his sins were without end. Sorta sounds like the Christians around us.
Still in all, old Job kept his faith and never once blasphemied. He never cursed God for his problems even though that is what devil wanted.
I imagine one day we'll know why some are born one way and others another. Till them all we can do, regardless of what our problems may be, is to hang in there and continue to trust the Lord.
Alicia

[tekla]

Everytime someone tells me that god is love, I think of Job too.  End of discussion.

[Sigma Prime]

   Lately things have been going in a smaear for me and I have been so on egde. I have been yelling at my hurtful to my mother,words I have said over the last few days. Also I have been feeling like everything is closing in on me and trapping me to where I can't get out.And the thing is I am feeling so lost and confused inside and hating everthing about life, I know Im wrong for the things I have been doing and I am not mad at my mother, uncle, or family.

I have been in similar situations with my own parents. They will forgive you, but first YOU have to forgive them. Something in you motivated you to say those things; something brought OUT that anger in you. Try to find it in yourself to forgive them. For some people, it takes days, but this is rare. For a few unlucky others, it takes years; this is how it was for me. Forgiveness is a tedious, painful process either way. Remember this: the essence of forgiveness is patience and inner strength.

I am not suicidal nor have the guts to do it..

Balderdash. You are just too patient to opt for easy, quick solutions that DON'T actually help anything. I would sooner hire YOU to do a job than someone who MIGHT do the deed. You know why? You wouldn't cut corners or take short-cuts when doing that job. You might take a bit longer, but you would get it done RIGHT. If you built a house for me, I would live in it, secure in the knowledge that it would NOT come crashing down on my head in a stiff wind. I know that, if it wasn't done right, you wouldn't let me cross the threshold. THAT is the value of patience.

Why do i feel this way right now? FORESAKEN by God why doesn't he help me or comfort me?

Well, I don't believe that God exists, but examine yourself: you have had every reason in the world to give up on life. Fate has given you every justification for it that you need. Well, I have my own explanations, but think about this: what has held you back from that, all this time? Or who?

Personally, I think you just sell yourself short, and I think you are a stronger person than you realize. I think that is why you are alive right now. What is your explanation?