Another one bites the dust

[Arch]

Well, my relationship is over after two decades. One big reason I couldn't face transition years ago was that I was scared of losing my partner. And now I have.

I have to face some ugly truths. I've become way too dependent on him, both emotionally and financially. And I'm terrified. With this breakup, my entire life is completely up in the air--or will be this summer when we go our separate ways.

The economy sucks. I'm almost certainly out of a job and haven't the first idea of how to look for a new one, nor do I have the emotional energy right now to deal with the problem. I haven't finished my degree. I will probably have to give up my health insurance, at least temporarily. I will have to find a new place to live, and I don't know how I can afford it. I will probably have to leave my cats behind. I have no family to rely on and never really have, so no help there. Because I cut myself off from the world for so long, I have few friends. The people in my head cut me off months ago, so I don't even have them to rely on. I probably need to be in therapy for at least another year--my therapist is my lifeline--but now I'm worried that I won't be able to afford it on my own. My transition has barely started, and I have no real experience living as a guy; I have tremendous anxiety about that. Soon I will be alone, partnerless and without emotional support, for the first time since I was a teenager. Only now I will be looking for gay male partners who don't mind a pudgy, geeky, middle-aged, still-androgynous guy with no male equipment. I have only the vaguest idea of how to meet new people.

I was actually glad when my partner broke up with me. No more wondering, no more worrying about what he's going to decide. But I have the flu today, so I'm feeling pretty shaky and messed up and depressed. Or maybe the reality of my future is just starting to hit me.

I know it's all up to me, but really, does EVERYthing have to be completely destabilized all at the same time? I can usually deal with one big change or one big uncertainty at a time. Not three or four or half a dozen.

I've never been that strong. I've struggled with depression for most of my life. Much of the time, it was all I could do just to live, just to get through the day. Yesterday I was thinking that I'm in for one hell of an adventure. But today...today, I don't know if I have it in me to see this through.

[Ellieka]

Hi Arch,

I'm sorry your going through this when your not feeling too good to begin with. I'm going through the same thing with my wife of 2 years. While its not as long as yours I know how you feel. Starting over is hard with the way times are right now.

I don't have much in the line of advise but your welcome to Pm or IM me if you need to unload.

(hugs)

-Cami

[Jamie-o]

I'm really sorry all this is happening to you, Arch.  Especially all at once.    I wish I could offer you some good advise.  But all I can do is offer you a great big bear hug.  *practically squeezes the breath out of Arch* 

[Cindy]

Sorry to hear this Arch,
I wish I could do something, I think we all know the pain, just wish I had a way of helping.
Hold in there dude, there are lots of us that love you.

Cindy

[Teknoir]

You're standing up and facing transition rather than rolling over and giving up - you're stronger than you give yourself credit for

My situation was similar about 6 months ago. We ran a business together for 2 years, relationship for 8. He left me with about 25c in change, my computers, my tools, and I lived in the back of my car for a few days until I could find a couch to crash on (he tried to take that too, but it was registered in my name... sucker ). We had been together since we were 17. I'm ashamed to say, but I was dependant on him for everything. So much so I, much like yourself, suffered from depression and spent a long time on quite strong meds.

I know it's not the same, but you'll always have people here willing to listen and help with emotional support where they can. You're not alone... there are others out there doing the same thing as you - it's a big planet .

Here's a little thought process that kept me going -

Two options - Life you don't like, or the "mystery box".  You're opening the mystery box.
There is no way the contents of the mystery box can be worse than your current situation.
You may have lost everything... but in real terms, mostly lost burdens preventing you from being happy.

The unknown is intimidating. Living life as yourself for the first time is also intimidating. Hell, rejoining the world after cutting yourself off from it is downright scary.... but hang in there. It can be done. You're in shock from a HUGE change in life. That's normal. I spent several weeks as a couch zombie after my breakup, and I didn't even like the guy! It'll take some time to adapt - but that doesn't make you weak, it means you're normal.

On big adventures, your inventory may get raided from time to time. This is usually a plot device, and in the end you always get better stuff than you lost .

[Miniar]

*hugs* Sorry it had to end..

[PolarBear]

Big hug for ya, Arch.
Take everything one step at a time, you can get through this.


The big PolarBear

[Flameboy]

Hey Arch

I'm sorry to hear that's happened mate, but hang in there. You're strong - you must be to have got this far - and you can get there. You do have it in you to see this through, and although it's not the same, you have people here who will give you support and friendship. Take one day at a time, one step at a time, and be kind to yourself also.

I know I'm still pretty new here and you probably don't know me yet, but if there's anything I can do, or you want someone to chat to, drop me a PM.

Look after yourself mate.

[Arch]

Thanks for the support, folks. I wasn't feeling too strong yesterday--caught a 24-hour virus or something, and the decongestants I took laid me flat on my back. Insult to injury.

I've been pretty positive about this breakup, on the whole. I mean, I was expecting it, so my main worries have been twofold--emotional support (he hasn't really been giving me any lately, so that wouldn't be much different) and financial support (given my current emotional state, job prospects, and educational status, I figure I'll need financial assistance from him for a few years).

But something my partner said has me rather irked. I probably shouldn't post it here, but I don't think he comes to this site. He remarked, "At least I don't have to worry about alimony."

That's a pretty big assumption to make.

He talked about helping me out financially for a few months, that's all. I can keep my car, and I can take the lion's share of our liquid savings (what's left after top surgery). Any retirement money that is in my name is mine, of course. He would be willing to cover my rent for a few months. Then, kaput.

I'm sorry, but this really pisses me off. I know we have contributed unequally in terms of income; he makes much more than I do. But for several years, I was the big earner; he seems to forget that. I know that grad school and its aftermath have kept me in a low income bracket for a decade and that he has never really reaped the financial rewards of my going to grad school. I know that my emotional problems have prevented me from finishing my dissertation in a timely fashion. I know that he has put up with all of this. But we went into this relationship as partners. Nobody kept track of who was earning how much or who washed how many loads of laundry or who made more compromises. We have been partners.

The law in my state is pretty clear: we have certain financial obligations to each other if we split up. I don't plan to live a hand-to-mouth existence for the next few years, perhaps even wind up living in my car, just because of some rose-colored view he has that of course I'll be fine, just because he wants me to be. So in a month or so, I plan to suggest mediation so that we can decide what's fair and reasonable. I have no notion of taking him to the cleaners; but we're breaking up at a very bad time, and don't intend to let him guilt me into just taking whatever HE thinks is fair.

Not this little black duck.

I just hope he and I can arrive at a reasonable compromise that doesn't shaft one of us. And that I can make the most of what help he does give me--finish my degree once and for all and find a decent career-track job with a secure future. And live as the man I was born to be--after I figure out exactly how to do that. At the moment, I have no clue. That's only one of the many aspects of my life that are completely unknown and and unknowable right now.

I know I'll have tough times ahead, but today I'm feeling much more hopeful. Scared, yes, but also positive. I hope it keeps up.

[Lori]

"Things suck" always amplify when you are sick. I hope you are feeling better and things are looking up.

[PolarBear]

You sound a lot more positive today, that's good.
I hope you two can work it out so you can split up while still being friends, or at least with respect for each other.

Not much to add, seems like I have been struck with a flu-bug at the moment.


The PolarBear, he is having hot and cold flashes...

[Cindy]

Hi Arch
Good you are sounding better.
I'm not sure about the USA but in Aus a de facto relationship of more than one year, I think it's 12 months it may be 2yrs. Means a 50/50 split of everything including superannuation, property, goods etc.
And please don't get offended, I mean this in a legal way, he has been living with a bio female according to law. So any of the crazy anti gay laws would not qualify.

Love
Cindy

[Teknoir]

You're sounding much better Arch. That's good to hear. You'll get through this, and with each piece falling into place it will only get easier .

Cindy - You might find this interesting also being .au - From what I've heard the law may have recently changed so that a couple regardless of gender/s is considered defacto if they have been living together for a certain amount of time including trans (new in this revision I believe). Huzzah for progress! *waves .au flag*

Then again I haven't looked into it in detail, so it could just be proposed thing, or I could be talking out my ass again...

[Arch]

I was feeling overwhelmed again today and didn't know how I could possibly face my students and teach. I had ten minutes and decided to come to Susan's. I was going to post again when I realized that it would all be old news, all pitiful woe-is-me stuff...and then I got the brilliant (DUH!) idea of rereading these responses. So what if I've read them before? They're still positive and uplifting, and they respond to exactly the same problem that I was about to describe all over again.

You guys really cheered me up.

In five minutes, I'm going to leave my office, use the men's room (not the unisex bathroom), and walk over to my first class. I will teach, and I will get through the day. I hate to think of all of the grading that I still have left to do between now and Thursday, but one step at a time.

I can do this. I have to do this. The alternative is to just give up and die, and I'm sure not ready to do that.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and words. I really needed them today.

[Jeatyn]

I'm late to this thread but what you're going through is so similar to what I went through a year and a half ago I can't help but comment.

The relationship I came out of wasn't as long as yours, 7 years, which is still quite a long time. Financially screwed, lost my two cats. Lost my job shortly after. We always did everything together, even shopping for my own food felt really weird to me and made me feel I was in over my head. I never got anything from him, he kept everything, but I'm ok now. When you have to cope on your own you find ways to handle it and it makes you stronger in the end 

[Janet_Girl]

I know how you are feeling, Arch.  A 20 year relationship ended officially on the 19th.  And I have to pay her 1/2 of my wages as alimony.  Talk about being screwed.  If you were dependent on him and had legal relationship, then have him pay up.  You gave him two decades of your life, that is worth something.

Emotionally you are stronger than you think.  You can and will make it through this.  And someday somewhere someone will walk into your life and make you happy.  I believe that because I have to, I also am alone now.  I don't socialize much, because of work and school. but someone will come into my life.  Hell they may already be in it, I just don't know it yet.

There are jobs out there, but they just don't pay well.  And you do have your education as a plus.

You will be alright, Big guy.  I have faith.  Many hugs, Hon.

Janet

[Arch]

THANKS for all the vibes, folks.

This has been the weirdest weekend. My partner has been out of town since Sunday morning. We definitely need a break from each other. I had a top surgery consult on Friday; and for some reason, I was completely stressed about it. I guess I have a lot riding on it. I've been trying to catch up on my grading--only two weeks of term left, plus finals week. And I've been setting up my Facebook profile and reconnecting with people from work/school and the trans community.

Sounds innocuous, but I had the bright idea of searching for my brother's best friend from high school, and I actually found him. Shot off a message before I could really have second thoughts...and then started thinking, "Damn, what if he is still friends with my brother? What if my brother is on Facebook? Do I want to look him up after cutting him off twenty years ago?"

Good question. I needed a drink to deal with that particular issue.

The old friend got back to me after a day and a half. I screwed up my courage, had some more booze, and came out to him in a long message. Then I really started chewing my fingernails.

A day later, he got back to me. He was completely positive and asked me if I wanted him to run interference between me and my brother. I have yet to write back--I'm swamped with grading that I couldn't deal with while I was waiting for a reply--but I think I'm going to say yes. It looks like I might reconnect with my brother soon after two decades...I think I can trust him.

It's a little overwhelming.

Then, this evening, I got a message from an old friend whom I had just added to my Facebook friends list. We haven't really talked in years, but she is friends with my now-ex-partner. Long story short, yesterday her husband went berserk, threatened suicide, got the shotgun, and tried to shoot her. He is now in police custody. Miraculously, he missed, and she is unharmed. She also wants a divorce.

This is a lot for her to take. She had just moved to a new state and was jobless when her teenage daughter died in a freak car accident. Now my friend has a job, but her husband snaps and her marriage is over.

I spent a couple of hours grappling with all of this and then got down to grading. I'm handling it. And I'm feeling lucky. I might have to educate my partner about his legal obligations to me (and mine to him, I suspect); but our breakup is completely amicable, and we will likely stay good friends. School is almost over, so I won't have that to deal with soon. I just heard news that my current job is not as endangered as I was originally led to believe--it still doesn't look good, but it looked worse a week ago. And if I decide to go with this cosmetic surgeon an hour away from home, I can have top surgery in late July.

I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did a couple of weeks ago. I still have a lot to deal with, but I'm trying not to think about everything all at once. I'm focusing on little milestones, two or three weeks at a time. I can manage that.

Top surgery plans. The end of term. Jury duty. Dealing with my partner and the breakup. With any luck, top surgery next, and I can change my sex legally. By then, I should have some idea of whether I'm losing my job. I can heal while I look for a place to live. I should be able to move out three weeks before classes start. If I'm not teaching this fall, I can work on my dissertation for a couple of months while I prepare for the local job market. If I'm teaching part time this fall, I can look for a spring adjuncting job here in town--that will also look good on my CV. If I'm teaching full time in the fall, that means I have a full-year contract and am set until June 2010.

So I'm practicing granularity--breaking the big, scary change in my life into small, manageable chunks. I'm always telling my students to do this; now I'm trying to practice what I preach.

Hm. Maybe I should take this approach to the booze, too. One sip at a time...hahaha.

[Dennis]

I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did a couple of weeks ago. I still have a lot to deal with, but I'm trying not to think about everything all at once. I'm focusing on little milestones, two or three weeks at a time. I can manage that.

That's the way to do it. It can seem like a lot dealing with the end of a relationship and all these changes in your life, but if you focus on the next goal, you'll get through it. Just think, on those top-stressor lists, you're covering off most of the top ten, except for death of someone close (and it seems like that was a pretty close call for your friend). If you can get through this, you can get through anything.

And you and your partner might want to look into a lawyer-mediator if he needs educating on the topic of spousal support.

Dennis

[tekla]

Be advised though, if he was working so you could get higher degrees, Masters, and Doctorate, you could end up owing him a percentage of your future earnings. 

If you can find a way to make a split without a financial support deal (a simple property split) you'll be better off in the long run then if you have to enter into some support aspects, where his lawyer can (and I'm sure would) bring up his contribution to your degrees.  Sometimes monetary assessments can be calculated on the expected lifetime earnings value of the degree no matter if you find work at that level or not.  Moreover, if he gets testy about not wanting to pay, this can all get dragged out into the open, your GID, your drinking, your spending 8K on top surgery (which a good lawyer, in open court can make look very bad, and irresponsible on your part without much effort).

All most all divorces look nice and agreeable until money and kids get put in the picture, then its blood on the tracks.