Question about the authenticity of my gender.

[Katrina]

Hello ,


I have been going around and getting opinions from various sources and trying to understand how to determine ones gender honestly and accurately, so please forgive me if this post seems redundant. I just really need to clearify my thoughts. I think that now is a good time to do that since I have been absorbing research, personal experiences and trying to understand who I truly am within myself. I appreciate anyone taking there time out to read this. I just need to vent and make sure that what I say from my thoughts within is accurate. Without diving much into the past, I will introduce to you briefly of who I am and what I feel inside. I apologies if this message gets to large. My female name is Katrina, and I have felt different from others around me ever since I was a child. I couldn't place it, I just knew I felt out of place and distant. Besides me being a strong introvert (INFP) I am also not your 'typical' male. I felt misrable in P.E. classes where I had to be rough in physical activites like sports, and competition. I especially hated the showers and the thought of being naked with all of the boys. I felt ashamed of my body, and I had always thought of my nipples being that of breasts that would be exposed. I felt naked even if I was shirtless. I was also ridiculed for playing with the girls. I would love to jump rope and play hop-scotch. Girls were more nurturing and less rough like the boys. I always liked to imagine and play school with the nighbour girls. I did have some boys that were friends though. I just hated to play sports!  My dad always tries to make me a MAN and I always resented that. I admit though that I give in sometimes and 'play the role' (like I have with other people) just to make him/them happy and to avoid conficts for the time being until I get a place of my own, which I hope is VERY soon. Coming from a family that is founded on strong 'Christian' values, I know that chances of being myself and accepted is slim to nil without having 'The Book' thrown at me or taken to the pastor or the  religious counselor. Which has happened many times, when I thought I was simply Gay or Bi before I even knew what being Transgendered means. Believe me it hurts so much! So much feelings and my true self has been hidden and locked away in my heart, protected from firing darts that may punture the very fibre of whom I am. Everyday that passes by, I feel more and more depressed and have occasional anxieties to the point that I loose my appatitie and feel physicly sick. Somedays things become so unbearable that I doubt I will live the next day. I long so much to be the girl  really am. I feel so free when I am in womens clothes, I feel me and it is like I can fly. The feelings go away and I wish I could go out to be that girl. I have before, but all I have gotten was the usual unkind, cold stares, scoffs, and verbal threats from people driving in cars. Since then, I have been scared sh*tless to be out like that again. It is very sad, that people have to be so blinded, so violent, and so uneducated. The only place where I can really be free is dressing as my true gender while I am on the air at my local college radio station. Believe me, besides my love with radio, I look forward to doing my shows even more becauase it gives me an additional protection to be myself behind the mic! I have my own radio station I set up that covers 15 miles, I try to mix in some gay/trans music and programming, like this way out, gendertalk, and trans musicians. It is another medium that I can have an outlet. Anyway, that is pretty much what I have to say, except I think I might be transgendered because having a penis doesn't really bother me that badly.. it is something I can live with and it is something I can live without also. I wouldn't mind taking hormones.. I have thought about that deeply, but I am scared of the risks, like blood clots, and other health effects. The sergery especially scares me. I want to live, and be productive and make dreams come true. It would be sad to cut my life short. If it comes to the point where I feel more suicidal than usual, then I will consider surgery, until then I will wait and just try to be who I am. Let me know what you think. I value everypones opinions. Thanks so much!

Much Hugs and Respect always,

Katrina   

[BrandiOK]

Well.....I'm not sure how old you are.  Without knowing that I'm pretty limited to any kind of advice.  However, I can say this and it's a standard answer that I give always.  Find a therapist who is experienced in gender identity issues.  Without knowing some background giving any specific advice is difficult so I'll throw out some general stuff for now.

First of all...don't worry about surgery.  That's something that can be considered later or not even considered at all.  Your happiness and what you want for your life is what matters.  Male or female genitals won't change who you are. 

You can be female and still have "male" genitals if you choose.  There is no checklist that outlines the things that make us female.  The differences between us all are what makes us special.  You find what works for you and use it. 

It can be a cold, heartless world out there for TG people of any kind.  Things can be overwhelming and scary.  Our lives, by thier very nature, are subject to a lot of heartache.  That's where places like this forum come in.  We are all different in our own ways but we are bound by a common thread whose strength keeps us all from unraveling.  No matter what you are feeling I imagine there is someone here who has experienced the same things and can give you the specific advice you may need.

You aren't so different as you may think Katrina.....spend some time with us and you will see that.  The diversity of this group is truly amazing. 

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello ,


... until then I will wait and just try to be who I am. Let me know what you think. I value everypones opinions. Thanks so much!

Much Hugs and Respect always,

Katrina   

Hello Katrina, and welcome to Susan's.

Ok here is another opinion   Before you should consider any of the issues you mentioned such as HRT, SRS etc. you should/need to find out who and what you are.  Very cliche I know but really you are talking about options that are routinely pursued by TS's, are you TS?  The fact that your penis doesn't bother you may be an indicator that you are not, let me emphasize the "may be".

Since we all need to start somewhere therapy would be a good next step, as Brandi mentioned, to help sort out your issues, and may be provide some answers to what is running through your mind.  I also need to as why you "wouldn't mind taking hormones", I ask this because you say it casually enough as though you were talking about trying a new food what do want from them.  While HRT and surgery have their risks, this shouldn't be the issue that's on your mind as these can be dealt with later.

Yep therapy, but also explore this site and ask questions, seek advice, and above all keep an open mind about what you learn and discover.

Welcome to Susan's, you are among friends.

Steph

[Katrina]

         Hi Brandi,

         Thanks for your reply. Just hearing some words of support helps alot, even if you don't have much to say. I really appreciate that, thanks! *hugs* I am 30 years old just to let you know, so I do have options thankfully! I am looking for a job like the world is about to end.. hehe It will be so nice to have my own space and not having to worry about what I will reveal.
         Anyway, I thought I should let you know that you look really nice in your picture. I should someday show you a picture of me. I hope people treat you with respect where you live. I know it can be a VERY cruel world, unfortunatly. Oh, one more thing before I go, do you have any suggestions on how make a realisted appearing breasts? My idea is to get a bra maybe B or C cup sized since I am only under 130 lbs. and fill it with toilet paper to make them pop out. *laughes* Sorry I didn'y know how to ask it any better THanks again for your time.

          -- Katrina

[amberwish]

katrina hi.  spend much time here exploring all the info and helping people you will find you are not alone.  the people here are extremely loving and caring. also very knowledgable.  enjoy susans to its fullest.

  hugs and    amber

[Hazumu]

Katrina;

I can't answer everything, but 'the surgery' as you refer to it, maybe I can offer some insights.

Kate Bornstein in her book Gender Outlaw said, "I don't hate my penis -- I hate what it's done to me."  That pretty much sums it up for me, I realized when I read it.  It, in and of itself, is not disgusting to me.  But what it caused society to do to me is what is disgusting to me.

I have a trans friend who decided that she didn't need surgery.  She's perfectly happy with that decision, and very comfortable with herself.  We get together from time to time for dinner.

Me?  I plan on having SRS.  I want no constant reminder my male past.

Each person must choose their own path.  You must choose yours -- no one else can do it for you.

I hope this helps you;

Karen

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Katrina,
The quick and easy way to fillout breast is to use some socks. I also have used nursing pads. You need to use maybe 3 or 4 in each cup. Also you can use bird seed in plastic bag.
Me I got some Silicone Breast Enhancers (You can google for them) and some nice pushup bras with air pads inside.
When I put them on I go from a AA to a C.

Jillieann

[Buffy]

Hi Katrina,

I have read your story a few times now and can relate to much of what you have written, there are lots of similarities with my own life.

I am now 4 years post op and have been through FFF (Feminizing Facial Surgery), SRS and BA (Breast Augmentation) and for the last 6 years have fully integrated into society as a woman.

There is no doubt that I had GID (Gender Identity Disorder or Dysphoria), I had many of the feelings you describe in your post.. I was a very introverted guy, who hated their body BUT more importantly hated my life and the daily struggle to live and work in a masculine, macho role I just couldn't handle.

I gave up a very sucessful life, marriage, children and lost a great deal alone the way in terms of family and friends... to find inner peace and happiness.

There is no standard template for transition, we all undertake a journey that may take us to the end or stop on the way where we become comfortable. I have friends who have not had surgery,but live sucessfully as women.

All the people on Susan's can offer is their experiences, the choice what to do has to be yours. There is lots of information here both in the forums and the wiki, use it to help start your journey, if that is your true path.

Yes the path is painful and at times soul destroying, you have to have determination, courage, pig headedness and develop a thick skin,what other people think or say has to be irrelevant at times. But as a person you grow and change, develop a sense of belonging, find a depth of strength you never had and I have become confident, totally relaxed and sociable.

If this is your true path, then it must start with medical help, counselloring and therapy, before you ever get to the path of hormones and starting to live as a woman.

Help can be found throughout this site...use it.

Buffy

[HelenW]

Hi, Katrina, and Welcome!

Your story has many similarities to mine, especially that we don't hate our penis (the other two things down there bother me a bit though ).  One thing I've learned reading these forums and other portions of this site, as well as researching this through the rest of the www, is that the actual history and roles that transgendered people play don't determine who they are - it's the other way around.  And that everyone's experience can be very different even though the same self-identification exists among us.  That's why a gender therapist would work with you to determine who you feel you are, not out of what you do but from your deepest inner sense.  All the other stuff flows from that identity.

I'm not sure if I will ever have sexual reassignment surgery but I'm going to try hormones as soon as my endocrinologist says I can.  The risks are there, as you well know, but the risks of doing nothing, I am certain for myself anyway, are worse.  But my decision has been assisted by a gender specialist who gave me a referral to the endo, along with a diagnosis, without which I would not get hormones anyway.

Please keep reading and learning but remember that all you can get from the www is general information and other people's experiences that may or may not dovetail with your own.  The only way you can get personal help in finding yourself is with the assistance of a gender specializing therapist.  I found mine by doing a GOOGLE search on "Gender Therapists Western New York" by the way.  I believe Susan's has links to lists of therapists that may help steer you in the right direction.

So my opinion is this:  your gender is what you say it is and a gender therapist can help you if you're confused about it.

Being perplexed is a common phenomenon amoung transgendered people from what I understand, it is certainly what I've experienced.  Keep searching yourself and find some good help and your confusion will ease.  In the meantime, keep reading and posting here at Susan's - I'll be looking forward to seeing more from you.  I got alot of good answers here and I'm sure that you will too.

again, WELCOME ! ! 
helen

PS - When I was younger I used water balloons but don't use cheap ones and fill them up only half way (and stay away from cats! Don't ask, long story  )

[Katrina]

Hello Steph,

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate any words for thought and direction. I am not rushing into HRT or SRS because I know I need to understand who I am more, which is why I turned to you guys, and also because of the health issues that are involved. I more than likely will go with the hormone treatment someday, as I want to have more of a feminine appearance. I know (from what I feel and have studied) that I fall more within the transgendered category. I know for certain that I don't have a fetish as I don't have a desire to wear female clothing for sexual reasons or for pleasure, rather it is because I feel I am more of a woman than a man.

Just to let you know, I am in theropy, although I am educating him more than he is me, it is helpful just to talk with someone. So I am seeking theropy at the moment. I need to seek out someone who specializes in the gender area though when I can get around. Until then it is better than nothing. The interent with communities like this certainly helps also!! Thanks for the warm welcome!!

- Katrina   

[Kendall]

Yes getting your true feelings down is essential. Head to the androgyne part of the forums and check if you feel anybit like whats written their.

Steph's point about how you feel about your penis probably is very important. Something that should be true and something you have known and felt all your life.

[sheila18]

Kattrina:
Wow atta a girl!  i love it! yes you have enough confidence and acumen to reallize that you are providing an invaluable learning opprtunity to your therapist. To be fair that is great because hopefully he will be better prepared to help the next trannie that steps into his/her office.
  I agree with pretty much of what has been said. I identify with your feelings of freedom and nostalgia for those moments when your outing went well.
  It took me time to aquire the skills to pass enough that  passers by would not notice that I was not a "real woman".  It gets better I asure you just use common sense.
  The thing here that matters (in your question I think) at this stage of your life is that you know that you are not a deviant, that you do not owe an explanation nor reasons as to why you do what you do and feel the way you do as related to having the unmanufactured knowledge that you are a girl. Do the girls in your campus offer reasons and expalnations as to why they bought make up and thongs? No.
All the learning and all the philosophy in  the world will not change your urges to be what God created you to be, only affect you response to guilt/ or  pride. I believe God made no mistakes with you or I.
  I have discovered that for us male born females there is a learning process just like there is a learning process to be a Naturalized citizen, that has been my experience since am both. Sooner or later we become one in every sense of the word.
Is great that you use your drive for constructive goals(radio station), for that I say ( and probably many others here also) am proud that you are my sister.
Keep your chin up,
& love no matter what, sheila18

[Katrina]

Hello, I just want to thank everyone for the warm welcome! It is so nice to have a lot of positive feedback and words to reflect on. I am sure I will be here more often when I can. I don't have internet at home, so my responses may take awhile.
Karen, I have read Gender Outlaw, and it is a great book. Kate Bornstein is a wonderful author and I look forward to getting her new book! I was fortunate enough to have just found a LGBT library that has some Trans books. I have even learned of a trans support group on campus I am looking into, I hope it is still active, if not I am sure the gay community will welcome me, hopefully! Again I really appreciate you guys opening your heart to me and sharing your stories with me. It helps and I admit to sharing a tear of joy just being able to relate. I know that I (WE) are not (what the world may describe us as) freaks, child molesters, perverts, guys in woman's clothes, etc.
Thanks Sheila18, Helen W., and Buffy, for the positive and supportive words. I have got done with my radio show yesterday and it felt great being in full as a woman! The BOD and one DJ after me was wondering what was up with the 'New Look' I came out to the DJ and he was cool with it, although a little shocked. The BOD questioned my hair and I just kind of gave him a smart response. I went out on campus last night and dressed in full. That is pretty much my highlight. I am planning on going in dressed in full at my nearby coffee shop. Maybe write down some thoughts and some poems just to relax and be myself. I just need to figure out how to but a bra on so I don't look so flat LOL. Thanks Jillieann for the helpful advice in how to make great breast! I will try that once I get on the bra (thanks to my mom for that one.. hehe) Shhh!
Wickham, Thanks for the suggestion to look at the Androgyne section, I will take a look at that site. I am still questioning my gender, thus far it is more female than male. That's why I feel that I might be more transgender or possibly transsexual, respectively. I notice that when I am with my male friends, they act like dogs wanting to hump everyones legs, I an the other hand look at girls or guys with respect and beauty. I notice the eyes and the nice clothes rather than drool at everything (laughs). I just want romance and I hate to lust and hook up as they say. I am not saying that every guys are that way, but is seems like that. I just happen to have control over my male hormones. I am still seriously considering taking female hormones when I feel I am ready. Again having a male body bugs me.
Well, I hope I didn't leave anyone out. Again thanks so much for the arm responses and greetings! I hope to be back here soon.

With respect and love always,

Katrina

Posted on: September 06, 2006, 05:43:23 PMOne last thing... here is a link to my very first ever blog if you ever want to stop by and say hi.

http://katrina-radiolife.blogspot.com/

I hope to have more coming soon. I am very limited on income right now, but I hope to make the site grow more as I get a full-time job. In the mean-time all I can offer is a world of words from my heart to any trans-person out there

With respect to everyone,

Katrina

[Julie Marie]

Katrina, I can't answer your questions because we are all different.  But we can gain insight about ourselves by studying the experiences of others.  I know I've learned more from reading, hearing and seeing what other's have experienced than from all the psychoanalytical things combined (therapy, books, etc.)

What I found out about myself is I couldn't answer the question you are asking until I rid myself of denial.  I grew up in a very conservative environment.  Criticism was heard far more often than praise.  I lived in mortal fear that if I ever told anyone how I truly felt inside I would be ostracized.  So I packed that part of me deep inside, so deep it would be almost inaccessable.

I have known all my life I wanted to be a girl.  There has never been a moment I didn't.  But I'd never admit that to anyone.  Little by little I supressed my real self until it was complete.  Julie was only a memory.  I had convinced myself I was fine.  Without realizing it I had begun a slow descent into darkness.  I became less sociable.  I started drinking a bit more when at social events.  I felt out of place.  I began to feel resentment towards those I knew and loved, that they could make me repress my real self. 

By the end of that ten years I didn't care if I lived or died.  Thankfully I followed my heart one day and let my true self free.  I lost a lot in the process.  I got divorced after 23+ years.  My sons stopped talking to me and recently my daughter told me she didn't want me to be a part of her wedding.  I've lost siblings and close friends too.  Even with all those losses I'd never go back to that life again.  I'd rather die.

You have be true to yourself, follow your heart.  The answers are within you.  You just need to get rid of all the junk that's covering them up.

[Katrina]

Hi,

First of all I forgot to mention in my first post of how nice it is to be called Katrina. It is a very nice feeling. Second of all, thanks for your nice words, they are diffenatly something I can ponder on. I appreaciate your insight, thanks! Your world is very simular to mine. I have pretty much grown up in a conservative environment. Much suppression and denial has come and gone throughout my life, it has been only recent that I have came to my senses to accept who I truly am.  Previous to that, I had drank heavily, now it is hardly any because now I actually care for myself instead of beating myself in the name of society for my so called "immoral behaviour"
I am really happy to hear that you didn't give up. The world is really tough and cruel and it especially makes me angry to see religious institutions and individuals try to "cure" us into thinking it's just our choice that we are this way. Not being ourselves (as you know) can create more tragedies than good. Which is sad to witness and be in, especially when families and siblings has to suffer because of the lies we were force fed. It's sick !
Anyway, I just felt I had to say that. Thanks again for your positive words. It has helped a lot, believe me. (hugs). Without you and outside support, I probly would be either gone or in a psych ward!

With love always,

Katrina.

[sheila18]

Katrina:
Authenticity ia the key word to all this debate.  We have been left in htis world to authenticate ourselves, yet there are many who refer to book and ancient ill translated comments of dubious translations to stand up in an Aphiteatrum and grand stand that they and only htey know the secret authenticative word,.
I wonder where they bought that box of cracker jack cause i did not get that with my decoder ring
love no matter what, sheila

[fusi]

Hi Katrina

i relate to a suprising amount of what you have said. i too am seeking that authentication. i think the only way is to see a therapist and get it all out.

<3

[sheila18]

the only thing thereapist did for me was to realize that i was their guinea pig.  And that if I was to play into their head games they would write prescriptions and aprove SRS process forms.

That old joke about their proffession is so accurate:
"How many thrapists does it take to change a light bulb?
  One, but only if the light bulb wants to."

The incredible thing about a forum like Susan's is that for the first time we have a functioning community a shared common experience and a chance to our Right of Choice. We are the future and the experts in trainning, there are no others, is a hard true  but there it is..
  we're it girls    woo hoo
sheila18

[taylor]

Katrina,

I have a couple of questions for you. First off I hope you don't mind me sending you a personal  message! I am wondering if you have access to a support group? What state are you in?? 

You state that you would like to better understand your identity and after doing 9 plus yrs of research on this very subject, ( my book just came out) I can tell you from a Sociological perspective,( not to mention all other real perspectives)  biological determination means very little other than a generalization.  There is no way for a person to have their sex identity determined by biological methods in a firm, heres the line and this is what you are manner, this has been battled for over 300 yrs of history with scientist all over the place!  I personally am Intersex ( I did transition about 16 yrs ago) and I was born with a ovary and testicle and other variances, but was forced to be a girl after birth, that went over like spilt milk! So I transitioned to the sex that I relate to and can live within for the sake of myself, and probably society too lol. As for genital surgery, many people do not define themselves by what is between the legs, so forget the old theories and guidelines that tell you that you must. It just does not work that way with a lot of people, you are NOT alone!!

I run a non profit organization for TS/IS communities, as well as being a Sociologist and an author. If I can be of any help to you just send me a message at anytime.  Susans is a great site for people to come to and you can find all kinds of info and support here!

Peace,

Taylor

[sheila18]

Katrina,

  biological determination means very little other than a generalization.  
Taylor

taylor:
  what a statement, i love it,    ...  what a 'jaws of death' concept  you got in that thinking tool statement, thank you ...
love no matter what, sheila18