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Joke time

Started by Wenz1, May 14, 2009, 09:55:16 PM

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Wenz1

 :D OK this is joke time .So post a joke (keep them 2% clean LOL )


:D The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. 

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.



She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?' The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only afig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the otherway,' said the nun.




So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well,now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'






'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,'said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig  leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
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Janet_Girl

Thanks for the coffee on my monitor, Wenz.

Lights out, Kalua and cream plz.

Janet
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Wenz1

 Couldnt resist this one     :D :D :D :D
They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.

His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu!
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Janet_Girl

Quote from: Wenz1 on May 14, 2009, 10:56:21 PM
Couldnt resist this one     :D :D :D :D
They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.

His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu!

Again with the coffee on the monitor.  ;D

But it is so true.

Janet
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Wenz1

 ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

Anyone for golf?
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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V M

Whatcha eatin'?

I'm eatin' chocolates

Where'd ya get it?

A doggy dropped it
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
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Wenz1

Quote from: Virginia Marie on May 15, 2009, 03:09:12 AM
Whatcha eatin'?

I'm eatin' chocolates

Where'd ya get it?

A doggy dropped it



:icon_help:  Just put me off chocolates for the rest of my life Yeck  >:(


Post Merge: May 15, 2009, 03:33:28 AM

Last night my sister and I were talking and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine   :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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V M

A salesman was going door to door selling "Smart Pills" and doing quite well.
While at one door, the man of the house asked if he could try a sample before buying.
The salesman agreed and returned a few days later
"Well, what do ya think?" The salesman asked
"Well  :eusa_think: I followed the directions and washed the pills down with water. But I think these pills taste like bunny poo"
"See? Your getting smarter already"  :icon_biggrin: said the salesman
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
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Jay

Quote from: Wenz1 on May 14, 2009, 10:56:21 PM
Couldnt resist this one     :D :D :D :D
They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.

His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu!

I am loving your jokes Wenz! ;D

Jay



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Wenz1

Quote from: Jay on May 15, 2009, 03:48:35 AM
I am loving your jokes Wenz! ;D

Jay

:-* :-* :-* Thank you  Jay  :icon_bunch:

Post Merge: May 15, 2009, 02:59:43 AM

:D :D :D :D    Paddy and Murphy were in Iraq.
Murphy stands on a landmine and screams "Paddy I've lost my legs"
Paddy looks & says "you lying fker they're over there.

Post Merge: May 15, 2009, 04:01:06 AM

:P :P :P All Smiles

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."
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