Ever wake up screaming? I have, I have had a lot of events happen in the past month that made me reflect on who I am and my behavior in the past few years. My credibility is shot here for a good reason. I started on thoughts as a good person and was genuine, but over a short period I got very troubled and became an @sshole. My writing in the latter days of my presence here was perceived as whining, it was. I never before stepped outside myself to see inside how I was acting. I now know what people saw in me in my final days here, they saw correctly. (Other than one particular forum thread).
I became someone who I despise in others. I got to be an attention whore, I only cared about me me me, I became cocky and haughty, not to mention puffed up with pride. And to top it of I was a relentless whiner! I'm not even going to say I'm sorry or ask for forgiveness, I'll get to the reason why later.
I really am beginning to believe I am just mentally ill, or I see the world in a way I see as truth. The way I live my life now is a drastic change from a year ago. I do what I want.
But I keep in mind that others feel the same. I am no one, we are all one! I guess what I'm saying is, I leave people alone and don't whine when others see fit to criticize me. We all have faults, and that gives me comfort and the freedom to be free.
I'm back with my wife now, the reason my marriage almost failed because I was so far into myself I had no time to be head of the household. I came back to my wife because of some drastic mental events and awakenings that happened while I was away. I will always believe I am a girl, no one can take that from me. But while I was a way from my wife, I found that I was seeking women, women that I thought I could never have! I actually got these women! So what that did was improve my self confidence. But I began to fall for this special girl, she thinks exactly the same as me in every aspect! Perfect looks! Perfect body! I took her hand at her house and asked her to date me and she immediately said yes! I was pretty drunk by the way... I left her house about 2 in the morning and took my truck of roading, then when to my friends house whom I was living with and got in a fight.... (Which my @sshole self initiated)
I went running to my trusted uncle's house at 6 in the morning whining and sobbing about life and everything under the sun. I was really ready to commit suicide! I had the perfect girl wanting to go ahead and date me, yet I was ready to die! I kept telling my uncle that I"m just tired, I'm tired! I've lived my life and done everything I wanted, I'm just tired....
I proceeded to my grandmas house down the road a couple hours later only to find she wasn't home. So I walked through this small town and came across a church! Hey! I gotta hear this! I walked in and sat for about 20 minutes, finally I actually stood and said something about hypocrites! and walked out throwing the flyer at the lady who handed it to me....
I finally made it back to my grandma's house and she was home! She made me a couple of "BLT's" and I asked for a valume. She let me sleep the alcohol of as the hallucinations danced through my closed eyes from the alcohol and valumes.
It was then it dawned on me...
If I could ask a girl out and try to make it work despite me being a tsgirl, why can't I work it out at home?
Now the wheels of thought start turning and grinding showing me visions of what an @sshole I really am! How can a family unit function when the house is divided against each other due to the head of the household being in his/her room all day on the computer and being stubborn and puffed up with pride?!
There I sat thinking I know it all when I knew nothing! (I'm still guilty of that)
I expected the problems to work themselves out with out any help from me. I was a poor husband and became a lousy father.
But I feel my wife and daughter can be better! If I do my part, than things will fall inline.
If you had a husband like me that you stuck with, your moral would be shot and you would have no motivation such as my wife. But I feel that my temporarily leaving her was the right choice only because it offered me a different perspective on our marriage and gave me time to think on my own.
I always say I'm not coming back, but what I really mean is I'm not back 24/7 just once in a great while. I don't make a very good friend because I am far too critical of people. And another reason is I think I'm slipping away into mental ilness.
I am seeking help for real now, but no one can change my view of the world and the people in it. I am headstrong in my ways and believe that what I feel about a person that I meet to be true. (people have never proven me wrong)
I know when I'm comfortable around a person, even on a forum! When I'm uncomfortable, I'm always eventually right about that person!
Derek and Dave were people here on thoughts that created trouble. But I felt comfortable around them! It's a gut feeling, you can tell by people's writing.
I don't say I'm sorry because once people have an impression of you, that's it. You can't truly undo what's been done. I say this not out of pride, but out of strength; it just doesn't matter to me anymore whether people forgive me or like me. I truly don't care anymore. People here have a good reason to be mad at me, but keep in mind that I see the world in a different way than most do.
Google A.D.D. and creativity and do some research, I'm part of 5% of the population that thinks the way I do. 5% percent is a small margin, there is no doubt as to why I don't fit in anywhere or have to many so called friends. I see the world the way I see it. truth. Am I truly free more than most people can imagine,? or am I truly mentally ill? I cannot be assimilated to think and act as everyone else just to fit in, like I said; I do what I want.
Without my family I have no thing...
I have no compass to sail with...
That was one of the things I learned on the way.
