I am confused- plz help

[ranjana]

hello everybody. I am new to this site. I am 19 yrs. - 18 yrs and 10 months.I was born with male anatomy. In my childhood i just loved girls clothes and wanted to be like one- obvioulsy didnt realise then. By the age of 13-14 I started masturbating and unkonwingly all my fantasies revolved around me either being like a girl or being in the company of girls and joking and talking to them as a girl- it used to make me come and the sexual act was never necessary to make me cum. When i came to know how the sexual act was done then again unknowingly my fantsies revolved around the fact that i am having sex with guys- most of the times the guys used to be blacks and rough ones. at the age of 16 or so i started having fantasies of having sex with girls as a girl- lesbian sex. now my fantasy sometimes is having threesome sex with a guy and a girl also being there while the girl treats me as girl. if all this had been fantasy i would not have bothered much. but i have sex only with guys and during sex i always want to be treated as a woman. incidentally the guys with whom till date i have sex are all dark skinned. I am an Indian and so dark skinned guys r referred as blacks. I love sucking cocks and being done in the ass. I havenever myself (been dominant with) a guy or girl. I have no desire to <not allowed> a girl or guy. the sex with guys is not satisfying because i wanna be treated as girl and i cant tell them that. whenever they touch my penis it gets flaccid. In fact i 'perhaps' hate it and wish it was not there. one of my desires is- and this is not fantasy- to have lesbain sex with a woman. In pvt- when i am alone at home i like to dress as a girl. I use the clothes of my elder sister- she is 21. I desire to do household works wearing female clothings- but i cant. what am I? Am i really trangender and a woman from inside or just weird pervert male? and yes while i was asking this question i secretly desired that the answer may be I am a woman. Am I confused?
If I am a woman how should i come out to my family- my family consistes of me, mom and my elder sister. Dad died when i was 2 yrs. old. I am a shy type and feel embarrassed to tell them abt myself. I have not yet told them about me because 1. I am not sure, 2. I feel shy and embarrassed and 3. India is a conservative society and it may create problems for my family. How should i go about it? Anyone can help?






Edited to remove profanity --- See TOS, Rule 11 --- Nichole

[K8]

Welcome, Ranjana.

First off, I think you need to find a counselor or therapist.  It will help you to talk to someone who is trained to listen to what you are saying.  I don't know if you are a weird pervert, but many of us with GID have felt that way at times.  It is normal for many of us here to relate to others in a gender different from our body's.  With counselling, you can begin to sort these things out.

Coming out to your family is a whole different issue.  For me, I would work on sorting out my feelings through counselling before trying to talk to my family.  I think that when you finally come out to your family you want to be more sure of who and what you are.  Probably they will be confused by it, and it won't help if you are really confused, too.

Good luck.  There are many on this site who have walked in your shoes.

- Kate

[NicholeW.]

Hello, Ranjana,

Welcome to Susan's.

Thanks for your introduction and K8 gave you some good advice, except perhaps for things being a bit different in India than in Western societies. But I am fairly certain that there are help orgs that may be able to lend you and ear and helping hand.

Please be sure to read the TOS and follow the rules at all times. There's also a lot of info available to members in our Reference Library and Wiki.

The Chatroom can be a great place to get to know others like you.

It's nice to have you part of our Forum and hope you continue to post and participate.

All the best,

Nichole

[gennee]

Hi Ranjana and welcome. I experienced some of the things you do now. When I first got the urge to put on a skirt, I thought I was weird and strange. I was in my mid fifties. Now I know that I was trying to bust out of my shell and I live how I was meant to. No Ranjana, you are not weird or a pervert. I would seek some counseling to help you sort out your feelings.

Gennee

[Wendy C]

Hi, you made a good first step in finding Susans and seeking answers. I would agree with Kate that you need to see a gender Therapist, preferably one who is sympathetic to gender Identity issues. In the mean time now that you are here, there is a wealth of knowledge and people that I'm sure you will identify with here. Don't be afraid to ask questions, I think it safe to say you are not the first that feels as you do. Hugs

~Wendy~