I was just thinking back to my first time coming out to others.
I had lived a life of pushing my feelings under a carpet. I tried to make others happy by trying to present a person that fit in or at least wasnt what I thought was negative.
It came to the point were I felt extreme sadness, head aches, and almost alien to a standard male (as well as female) roles, gender (the inner soul belief), as well as the expressions (outward presentation). I found myself a few times sitting down, watching others walk by, or talk while myself I just wanted to be or do something or somewhere else. I knew all my efforts to create this person (all those years) meant nothing, accomplished nothing, and was a total waste of time.
When you read stories, watch movies, and talk to others, gender variations isnt your most common topic talked about. In fact, It seemed to be one of the most hidden, least talked about topics on earth. Or so it seemed, living in a time when books and tv limited my total available knowledge.
So knowing I felt different and didnt know why, I had created a whole messy construct of fears, disbeliefs, lies, hurt, and confusion.
I think the day I started to decide to 'live', was the best day of my life, despite a few changes in friend and relative relationship. At least it was no longer a lie created to try 'saving' a non existent place in their lives. But with this decision, I had (and still have) to try finding the correct me: unbound by lies, no inner sadness, truth, and a feeling of being complete. And try to put into order and action my life, unwind those lies, overcome those fears, belief in the truth, balance hurt with self confidence, build new honest relationships, and help clear my confusion.
I knew I wasnt male. I also knew I wasnt quite female. But my soul doesnt know those two genders. It only knows that truth acts and is many things. Many things that lie in either gender. Like my therapists says "You only know what you are. Dont let other things tie you down." And to "take a piece from here and there which makes you feel more complete." And "Dont be afraid to hurt others, when its your soul thats on the line".
Time to turn desires into actions. At ALL costs...
