I'm older, new to Susan's Place, and only out to myself for about six months. My spirituality is an important part of my life, so naturally how my gender situation relates to that is important as well. It's funny, but until I started reading the posts in this topic it never occurred to me that my experience of coming out to myself could have been much more difficult spiritually if it hadn't happened the way it did. My natural inclination would have been to have been very inhibited about "invading sacred womanspace." The Goddess led me here so gently.
I've embraced Paganism in some form or fashion since 1990. I consider myself Wiccan, although many people wouldn't; it was my first approach to giving some form to my Pagan spirituality, and my heart remains there. I think this is chiefly due to Scott Cunningham, to whom I will always be grateful. I think his book for the solitary practitioner is one of the best books ever published about this religion.
Despite the duotheism of Wicca, the God has never been an important part of my spiritual practice. I'm not sure why. I was a Christian for many years; but Christianity isn't particularly monotheistic
from my point of view. I do acknowledge him, but don't relate to him. The Goddess I know as Tana, who I first learned about in Raven Grimassi's book on Italian Witchcraft. She has been my goddess for about 20 years.
I've known since early adulthood that I was, as a woman I knew in college put it, "really in touch with my feminine side." A good friend in the Craft, who never breathed a hint of this to me when he was alive, told his wife in very emphatic terms that I was gay; she told me this after he died. And, when I was married, my wife and I would go for ritual to the house of a gay male couple, who once told me that I was the "gayest straight man" they had ever met; and they were very puzzled over it.
Prior to coming out to myself, I don't remember ever experiencing gender dysphoria
as gender dysphoria. (I
have experienced it since; it was terrifying.) I've since realized that it was there, and was extremely debilitating, but that it masqueraded as something else. However, that being said, about 10 years ago I had a very intense experience of gender
euphoria, though I didn't know that's what it was at the time. It was about this time that I admitted to myself that I would rather have been born female. I shared most, if not all, of this with my wife; and, without consulting me, she shared it with one of her friends, a transman. He suggested to her that I might be transgender, and she relayed the suggestion to me. I laughed it off. Not me. No, not me.
About a year after my divorce, I decided I wanted to explore this feminine side of mine, with the idea that bringing it to the surface and integrating it with the rest of my personality would make me a more whole, more complete person. Naturally, with a project like this, I asked Tana for her help; and she spoke to me -- not audibly (she's never done that) but in my mind. She said, "Are you sure? Because once done, it can't be undone." This told me that the consequences would be significant; but I really didn't see how that changed anything. Becoming a more complete person is why we're here in the first place, and I couldn't turn away from that. So, I said Yes.
I think it was a day or two later that I had a very strange experience. I was walking from my bedroom to the living room when I experienced a sort of disorientation; I lost my balance, a little. It quickly passed; but it was so unusual that I wondered if it might have had a spiritual cause. There were no follow-up consequences, however, and I set it aside.
Over the next days and weeks, I started doing things that I associated with femininity, or that helped me disassociate from my masculinity. Along with that, I began looking on the internet for material in this area that might be of help to me. Although I ran into transgender material, I did not consider it to be a possibility for me; indeed, while I believed at the time that the phenomenon was real, I believed that transitioning was, in principle, the wrong answer. I believed that we incarnate as we do intentionally, and I couldn't see why someone would intentionally incarnate in the wrong body; therefore, changing it surgically must be missing the point somehow.
Well, you can guess what happened from there. It wasn't too long before I began asking myself if I were transgender myself; and, the longer this went on, the more I hoped that I was. I even reached the point where, despite my thoughts on transitioning, I decided that, if I did find out I was a woman, I was going all the way.
I just couldn't
not do it.
When I reached the tentative conclusion that I was trans, I found a gender therapist (on the "Psychology Today" website) and sent her an email inquiry. I know how we can rationalize ourselves into getting what we want, and I wanted an informed, objective opinion. She answered my email and scheduled an introductory phone call. I had no idea how long a phone call this would be. How do you convey an accurate picture of yourself and your experiences relevant to your issue, and do it briefly? I spent some time trying to prepare for this; and, on the morning of the phone call, I was sitting in the parking lot of a grocery store, rehearsing the synopsis I was going to give her, when I had an epiphany. I suddenly just knew. "I'm a woman," I said out loud. "I'm a woman." And the next thing I knew, my rational mind rebelled against this. "How can this be? How can this be?" It was completely incongruous; yet, I knew it was true.
I see the gentle hand of the Lady all over this. The process for me was so sweet, so gentle; so much could have gone wrong or been much more difficult for me.
I don't know why my life has been as it has been. I do believe that things happen for a reason, that there is purpose and design in at least the major courses of our lives. I can't imagine why I've lived most of my life thinking I was male, only half-alive with my true self buried. But I don't indulge in resentment, probably because I'm so full of joy now. My heart is so full.
I hope it's obvious that, despite the length of this post about my coming out to myself, it's really a post about her, about the Lady. Other than the fact of our relationship itself, this is the greatest gift she has ever given me, the gift of my true self. I can't imagine a greater one, or more loving.
