I've given this post a lot of thought. I never used the word "hate" but I suppose that must be how I come across. A lot of people have pointed out how much of an effect the city I'm in has on me. It's extremely conservative and homophobic, and I've known several crossdressers to be outright arrested by the police! My point is that it's a very polarized environment. I've tried very hard to have female friends and when it works, it's wonderful...but starting out seems nearly impossible. Women seem to think my interest is totally in sex..which is the LAST thing I want! And I don't feel comfortable pretending to be a gay man. It's a role that totally does not fit. I'm not a man.
Women and girls have been very cruel to me. It gave me a pretty weird view, growing up. I had so many girls go out of their way to point and laugh at me, to tell me they'd cut their wrists before dating me...just out of the blue. It's been very hard to form a concept of a woman as caring or compassionate. I've seen most of them as strictly opportunistic and self-absorbed (which is partly true I guess).
I'm really trying to be realistic. I woke up today and sat on the bed and felt so totally female, in spite of everything. I though what a strange being I was to feel this way, to feel the absense of breasts on my chest and how everything about being female fit me except for this crazy body.
I don't want to ramble, but I wanted to get back to this post. I'm still very, very sick and there is no end in sight (no cure or particularly useful treatment) so my life is mostly consumed with just staying alive. But if I can function again, I won't be making any excuses for starting RLT. I need to breathe, my soul needs to breathe and RLT certainly is the first breath.
Thank you for your responses.
Kellianna
