my wife discovers my secret

[gata123pr]

  hello to all

A few years ago while going to a internal crisis you know (why me why do i have to be this way y hate myself etc etc) i wrote a later to my wife explaining her everything about the way i feel and for how long, well a very detailed later of the real me, now this was a way to just get it out of my chest i was not going to give to her well last month i went to puerto rico because my uncle past away(we leave in florida). while i was on there she was looking for something on my work truck and she ran in to the later she could no believe her eyes she did not said anything to me until i got back home she showed me the later and i went in shock i could not talk to her like for an hour i was thinking  so many excuses to come up whit but nothing came to me so i had to admit it then she started to cry and ask me a bunch of questions and i had to answer every single one of them she even found all my clothes my make up wigs everything at this point i am thinking that my marriage is over but it did not turn that way she said that she is not angry whit me and is not going to run away from me she wants to help me
know the problem is that she thinks that with therapy my problem can be solved but is not that way i know therapy won fix me and make me a man
i dont know what to do i dont want to lose her but she make very clear she supports me but if i want to change the marriage will be over

[tekla]

Damn good reason to tell the truth to begin with so you don't have to deal with that stuff later then, eh?

[placeholdername]

How does saying that help gata's situation?


@gata123pr:  My suggestion would be this, start seeing a gender therapist.  Your wife's statement that she will leave you if you transition may or may not be her final answer -- you can imagine she was probably very shocked at the time.  Seeing a therapist will help you figure out how best to handle this.  We don't know your whole life story, and even if we did, you're the one who has to decide what to do about it, no one else can tell you what the right thing to do is.

[Just Kate]

How does saying that help gata's situation?

Perhaps it doesn't help the OP but it might influence someone else reading this particular forum.

To the OP, she has the right to end the marriage should she choose, so it is incumbent upon you to now, more than ever, put your best foot forward and be the best husband you can be.  Should the worst happen and she decides to end it, you can go out with a clearer conscience knowing you did what you could.  Don't fall into the blame game - no one wins.

As to your feelings, do you feel you must transition and are thinking the marriage is already doomed?

[gata123pr]

i am already seen a teraphist
and i do feel i need to transition about my marriage y don't know i love my wife and kids and i feel i will be a bad person if i let my wife go just for me problems i don't think she deserve it
it may be better if i just learn how to leave with it you know at least they will be happy

[Just Kate]

Do you think you CAN live with it?  If you should choose to remain your birth sex, how would you make it?  Maybe if you choose not to transition, you can tell your wife why you chose not to and ask for her help to stay sane.  Maybe she can let you express yourself with her.

[gata123pr]

i don't know if i will be able to leave with it but for their happiness i have to try
and i know she will never let me express that way she is vary old school and she has make it very clear she will not allow it

right now i am away from home working and this is the only time i have to be my real self

[Just Kate]

Well perhaps there is an opportunity to at least continue to talk to her about it.  I mean, she found out all this stuff, and like you said, didn't end the marriage, in fact she wanted to help.  She can be a really big help, but she must allow you to be yourself, (even if you must do it as a male).  She might not allow expression that involves cross dressing, but having her know how you feel might all you to be more open and honest with her in general - and could improve your relationship and intimacy.  Give her a chance - but you know your wife's limits.  Hopefully though, this will provide a time of greater understanding as she comes to know the real you, the you that has been hidden for so long.

[tekla]

How does saying that help gata's situation

I would assume not at all.  But sometimes your purpose in life is to serve as an example to others. 

And therapy might work, but I doubt it.  Its not the life she wanted, nor the one she signed up for, and if you have some 'right' or 'need' to be happy, damn sure she does too.

[K8]

If you can talk with your wife about all this, openly and honestly, the two of you may be able to work things out.  Her finding the letter "accidentally" was not the best way, but what is done is done and everyone has to move on.  It can be very difficult to hide an essential part of who you are.  It can be very difficult to lose a relationship with someone you cherish.  I don't know that you need to see a gender therapist for now.  The issue seems to be your relationship with your wife and family.  Perhaps a family counselor might help.  Or maybe the issue is how you see yourself and what is it that you want.  I don't know, but I wish you well. 

I have been through the confusion.  With luck and work you can come out of the other side whole.

*hugs*
- Kate

[Mister]

Gata,

All these things take time to sort out and make sense of.  We all wish we had our answers overnight, but it doesn't necessarily work that way.  Also, please be wary of those who are attempting to sway your decision one way or the other-  This your life and yours alone.  Some have found happiness in transitioning and others have made their peace in dealing with their GID without changing a thing.  Transition shouldn't be a last resort or a path of action based on failure to cope with your body in it's present form, it should be an intentional act.

[sneakersjay]

A lot of us got married and had kids, trying to make the best of things, not truly knowing why we felt the way we did, not knowing the name of what our feelings were called, not knowing about transition.  We didn't get married in the hopes the feelings would go away (I didn't anyway), we didn't get married with any intent to deceive; in my case I was trying to make the best of the cards I was dealt, and tried very hard to fit the female mold.  All of my pics pre-transition are totally feminine -- I was not butch at all.

I'm lucky in my case my marriage dissolved well before I discovered that all those feelings and thoughts I'd had since childhood; that I was supposed to have been male from birth, made me a transsexual, and transition was a 'cure.'  I'm sure my marriage would have ended also, not when I came out, but as soon as decided to transition.

I feel for you.  But understand that if you try to fake it until you make it, you may not be successful (I know I wasn't!).  And what kind of example are you setting for your kids if you are not true to yourself, that you are denying who you are, which is a woman?  It's not easy, I know, which is where therapy comes in.

You're not alone.


Jay

[gata123pr]

A lot of us got married and had kids, trying to make the best of things, not truly knowing why we felt the way we did, not knowing the name of what our feelings were called, not knowing about transition.  We didn't get married in the hopes the feelings would go away (I didn't anyway), we didn't get married with any intent to deceive; in my case I was trying to make the best of the cards I was dealt, and tried very hard to fit the female mold.  All of my pics pre-transition are totally feminine -- I was not butch at all.

I'm lucky in my case my marriage dissolved well before I discovered that all those feelings and thoughts I'd had since childhood; that I was supposed to have been male from birth, made me a transsexual, and transition was a 'cure.'  I'm sure my marriage would have ended also, not when I came out, but as soon as decided to transition.

I feel for you.  But understand that if you try to fake it until you make it, you may not be successful (I know I wasn't!).  And what kind of example are you setting for your kids if you are not true to yourself, that you are denying who you are, which is a woman?  It's not easy, I know, which is where therapy comes in.

You're not alone.


Jay

thanks jay

[Ms Jessica]

not all marriages end because one person transitions (although most of them do).  Your wife's initial feelings may change over time. 

Your desire to respect your commitment to your wife and children is very respectable, but you need to be realistic about GID and the impact it has on your life.  Some people can deal with it, and some people can't. 
I think Kate's suggestion about a family counselor is a good one.  Deciding to transition or not is a big deal, and maybe you need to at least talk to someone with your wife.  That might help you decide with her what the best road is and how you can all be happy.