I'm here, but I don't like it or want to be.

[AngelChild]

I'm here because I'm trying to find a way to deal with who I am. I Don't want to be TG, I just... am. It's painful. I don#t have a lot of self respect, and I despair a lot of the time. I've just finished my first year of a computer science degree in a university in england. I've had a fairly comfortable upbringing,I'm good academically but had a seriously lacking social life. Every relationship I've ever tried to get into I've failed at, and having TG feelings means I'm reluctant to even try with people. I feel unloved, and unable to open up to people.

I wish the internet were the real world. At least that way gender woudln't matter. I know I'm being negative but I simply can't see any bright side. I feel bad about that because, as I said, I should have everything going for me, but I spend a good proportion of my life feeling in despair and out of luck. And since I Feel bad about feeling bad I just bottle it up. I feel like a freak, I Was bullied for being fat anf ugly when I was younger. Now I look back, I Wasn't that fat at all. But now I am, because I've always believed I was. I went a single sex school for 7 years.

I love my parents and all my friends and family, but I simply don't feel close to anyone and it's killing me off inside. And I don't know what to do, who the hell I am, or how to cope. I also acknowledge that I'm the only person who can truly do anything to change myself, but I need support and friendship to do it. I'm scared of looking even worse, and becoming friendless, if I actually did transition or anything. I feel so lonely.

I'm sorry .

[beth]

hello AngelChild,

               you have no reason to be sorry, you have done nothing wrong, you are just trying to live your life. i understand you feeling lonely, i felt like that for so very many years. i have found that discussing things here helps so much. Everyone here is so nice and supportive and many have experiences exactly like our own.

                i love the name you picked for yourself, AngelChild is a beautiful name. it seems to fit you. i know life has been hard for you so far but it will get lots better soon. tell us about yourself and read about us and lets become friends.


love

beth

[4years]

Hello AngelChild and very pleasant welcome to Susan's most wonderful Place


Despair is a beast I'm on a first name basis with, but all in life is not bleak, nor is it hopeless.

If it means anything to you you've already progressed further in your formal education than I managed to do. As for social life, or lack there of rather, as I see it there is plenty of time later for such things, for now I suggest concentrating on yourself. You know, realizing that you can't fight being TG and must make the best of it is a very important first step. So so many of us tried to fight it, we have all failed. The self always wins . Know that love is out there and that not all are so shallow as to judge on looks alone, and I'd like to comment at 19 you will probably transition wonderfully if you choose to go that route. It takes time and effort (and money, lots of) but not only is it possible it is probable. We're not lost causes you see

You do have a lot going for you, you know, you already know you must do something, let me emphasize that, YOU must do something, and you already know that. That is another very important step.

As for looks, I know what you mean, but I look at it this way; I do not look like I should, it's almost as if I look at a stranger when I look in the mirror; That reflection is NOT ME. It's a reflection that hurts to look at. It's a reflection that gives me resolve. Even if everything I can do (which is a fair amount) turns out wilted and I end up worse than I am, at least I have honestly tried, and at least it will be ME without any pretenses without any pretending without any hiding. I don't know what will happen, but I must do something.

As for loneliness... that is something I know all to well and it is not something I wish to remember.
I will just say that honest friends are out there, but sometimes you have to look and sometimes you have to give them a chance.

You are welcome here AngelChild and I think you will find your are among kindred spirits here.
Please stay awhile and feel free to join in on the conversations

[Terri-Gene]

  'I Don't want to be TG, I just... am. It's painful."

Straight out of my own book Angel.  There was a time when I hated it so much and went so far to make it not so that I created mental problems as bad or worse then those directly associated with growing up as Transgendered. I'm still digging out of that mental mad house after years of full and total female identification.  No, if it is real and you have the strength to hold it at bay for long periods of time, then you are just kidding yourself, In the end, it is not a fight that can be won or even fought to a standstill and come out sane and whole against.  To do over again?  I'd simply make total surrender, despite any and all consiquence or risk at the time, it would actually have been easier and happier then the decades fight to prove it wasn't so and having to surrender in the end anyway with all the damage of resistance.
You can't fight yourself Angel, as in that respect there can be no winner, only a loser.

[Cassandra]

Hi AngelChild, and welcome,

As the others have already said we all share very similar stories. I wish I had confronted myself when I was 19, could of saved myself a lot of self hatred. I descended into a world of drugs and alchohol. I seemed alright to those around me but that was just a clever facade. Went to school got a job even married. Ultimately the self won out. The self will win every time, there is no denying it. I lived on that river for a very long time.

Despair no more you have hope now. You have taken the first step. Everyone here at Susan's will be here to listen, support and help were we can. Good Journey and god speed.

One other thing, every one I have ever known who is or was fat never lost weight as long as they obsessed over it. Those who did not obsess all lost weight and are a proper weight to this day. Simply follow a good reasonbale regimine of diet and exercise and you will loose all the weight you wish. It must be done gradually 1 ounce at a time. Good Luck and don't get discouraged.

Cassie

[Debtv]

Hi AngelChild,

Yep, I use to hate being tg too. Sadly I lived too many years in denial...till I was 38. Denial sucks and made me very uptight with myself. I know for me, that my tg desires grew with my age. Evenually I had to come to terms with it.

In my view....you are lucky and have an opportunity to not waist as many years of your life...as I did in mine. I can tell you this...with access to susans...you will not be totaly lonely as I was at your age.

As my sisters have already said to you....welcome to susans!
Love
DebTV

[cjbutterfly]

Angelchild....here you're talking to people who know where you are right now, we've all probably been through something like what you are going through. Feelings of worthlessness, duality, of dying on the inside, yes I bet we've all had all or some of those at one time, or another.

And if you think any of us would consciously choose to be TG...anyway the good thing is that you are here, among friends, peeps all around the world who know where you're coming from, and can we tell you that it's going to be all right in the morning, can you take two aspirins and make it go away, I wish, along with a few others I bet.

->-bleeped-<-ism is an illness, one that is mal understood, and because of a certain attitude in society, and in Government, in the NHS, we find ourselves struggling to get out from 'under the carpet' where they like to sweep us.

Am I scaring you

'pologies if I am, but in these forums you can be you, and we know that for you, perhaps, this may well be the only place where you can be you, you can tell us anything hon, and besides the other 2 billion odd who have Internet access, we won't tell a soul honest.

Hang in there Hon, we don't need any more 'statistics' I know it'll be hard but you'll get through it , after all I did,  and if I can anybody can, believe me.

[Shelley]

Hi Angelchild,

This is a lovelyplace where you can be yourself with people who have or are experiencing what you are going through. The people here are more real than most of the people you meet in your daily life. The annominity of being here means we can open up more of ourselves than anywhere else and have no fears.

This is one place where you can sit back and relax and be your true self without fear of ridicule or judgement. I agree with the others it does help to share what you are going through but it also helps to share the experience of the others by participating in these forums and in the chatrooms. It certainly has for me. You may, as I did, also find the Wiki a very valuable source of info.

Good Luck Angelchild hope to see you around here a lot.

[AngelChild]

The more I read stories on this site, the more scared I am. I'm utterly petrified of being left alone in the world by everyone and everything. Then I think I must be overreacting and bottle it up. But I do feel like I've been left behind and ignored by people a lot in my life.

Until about age 11 I was absolutely fine, I was happy with my friends, I played football a lot, it was enjoyable, I had a really close friend I did everything with and life was great. I have a few memories of that time of dressing in my mother's clothes and praying and wishing that I would be a girl, but I don't know if those are just things I remember now because I want to or if I really did feel them. Anyway, it didn't hurt at all then. I remember very specifically I used to jump through the icey trails form car exhausts and hope I'd come out a little girl on the other side. I have fantasies about being a little schoolgirl with one of those red and white chequered dresses. Anyway, life was alright until me and my family moved when I was about 10/11.

The school I went into was a bit hellish because I didn't know anyone, and I was teased for being fat and ugly. I think I spent a lot of my 11th birthday in the toilets crying :/. I doubt it really was that bad but it certainly felt that way. I was very good academically though, especially at maths, so I passed the entrance exam for secondary schools quite easily (in some places we have grammar schools - basically they just skim the best students from the area). I was invited to join one of the best schools where i live so i accepted, mostly to get away from the percieved bullying. I almost didn't because it was a single sex school, but I did. I don't really regret it that much, it's a good school.

After that one year (I'd by this point completely lost any hope of seriously playing football with anyone seriously - I'd also dropped out of the scouts because of continual bullying, again about weight) I didn't really make any close friends again except online.

I can't really continue this story right now, but I want too, it just hurts too much. Suffice to say that I spent most of my time at school working and doing well academically rather than going out and making friends, mostly because I believed (and still do) that people don't and won't like me, and I can't open up to them. I have very little contact with girls, and I honestly doubt it any genetic girl would or could ever accept me. Even though logically there must be people that can. I feel cut up and torn inside, even though by most measures people would do abything to be me. I appear to be an extrovert and have lots of friends, and able to listen to people and cheer them up. But I have no-one like me to help myself.

I think I'm gonna go cry now .

I honestly don't see any way forward that doesn't involve a lot more pain, and I'm still suffering heavily from the rejections I've experienced when I have actively sought a life companion. And I hide it from everyone because it seems like the safest option. And I know it isn't something I should hide. I'm very bad at being told I'm not good at something, because I feel I should be perfect and anything less isn't acceptable. And yet it still isn't good enough. I'm not loveable unless I love myself, and unless someone loves me, I don't feel I Can see enough good sides to myself to ever love my body. I love my soul, I'm a very compassionate person, but I can't release other people's problems from my hurt, let alone my own. Counselling didn't help much. I don't feel understood.

I'm ranting randomly. I once had a relationship with a girl who lived across the atlantic. That's perhaps my only real girlfriend. We never met, we drifted apart, the lack of physical contact really screwed my head up. I need a hug

I also don't know if I can ever trust anyone enough to truly let them support me.  :-[

I'm only 19, but I feel both really young and immature and wise beyond my years at the same time. And I believe in a loving God, but I don't know if the church will ever be able to accept me. If God made me, then he made me the way I am. I have very little faith as well. I'm not really in a christian background. I'm desparate for love from somewhere but I Can't open up enough to let people in in order to truly love who I am.

I feel bad for even posting this, I shouldn't feel this bad, I have no right to -.-

[Bobbi]

Hey,

I'm a UK resident too and i know what u mean with some of what u say. Altho im going the opposite way to u i had some of the same problems. Let me explain, im 21 and 6"2, i was born a woman but i've always felt a guy. So u can imagine at school i used to try and hide, i never showed what i felt and kept to myself. But at 6"2 and being female it was hard. I began not to care, people could say what they liked, i lived in my own world, even my school work slipped because i started to stop caring. As for relationships, there weren't any i wouldn't get close enough to anyone.

So i would come home and hide in my computer, on here i was able to hit and be popular and have what i felt was a normal character (i.e male). But there will come a time in everyones life where their doing something they don't want to be and suddenly just stop, Like the worm that turned so to speak. Thats what happened with me, one day i woke up and i couldn't lie anymore and i've never looked back since.

Between everyone on the forums there is a wealth of knowledge and support. The people on these forums seem really loverly and have been very welcoming to me.

Bobbi

[4years]

Some of the stories are definitely scary there is no doubt about that, but ultimately our struggles make us stronger, which is fortunate I suppose, given that to be transgendered you need to be strong. An besides, I don't think you can ever really be sure who will or will not accept you, sometimes the most unlikely people can become your best friend. From what I know of life I think that you will only be alone if you wish to be.

Left behind and ignored is, I think, quite likely. Transgender issues are not well enough understood; The vast majority cannot understand what it is like. The TG youth develops differently yet we are treated the same as any other of our birth sex.

Life companion... I can relate to that search. I was searching for such a friend since 3rd or 4th grade. (somewhere around age 6-7ish). I found such a friend at 29. That span was an eternity of hurt and loneliness.


I think you are on the right path AngelChild. *HUG* Hang in there!

[beth]

                        some friendships may be strained or die when we transition. transition will also suprise us with new found friendships. the tg community is full of wonderful people who will be loyal friends to us always. you will not be alone AngelChild. i believe when we are allowed to be ourselves and happier we will attract more people as true friends. when you can be honest with your friends and they stand by you, then you know the friendships are true and you can begin to trust people more.

                        i have always struggled with my weight and starting to be myself has helped me. my body is just starting to change to match me so i am begining to like it rather than dispise it and that helps.

                        you have tried hating and ignoring your transgenderedness and it seems you are not really happy. maybe it's time to try embracing it and try to be yourself more, you may find it makes a difference.  i hope you can talk to a therapist experienced with TG and be honest about your feelings. i have found this to be a great help. i know you will find happiness and peace in your life.

beth

[AngelChild]

I don't really hate myself for being TG, it's a part of who I am. I do hate all the frustration that comes from the feelings though. I have a tendency to bottle everything up and pretend it's all fine, which means I don't deal with things well. I gues the first couple of posts here were just an expression of feelings I've never really been able to express in an evnironment where people understand them. I guess I need a lot of hugs .

I'm... not always this depressed, but I think there's a lot of emotion and feelings inside me which I haven't even begun to express, and so I can't deal with it rationally until I can. I guess I've always wanted a sister, heh. Just to be held. I'm far too willing to push people who want to help away, in case they actually can help, because it's scarey and I don't want to show myself to people.

[4years]

Needing hugs is ok

I suggest finding a method to let out every once in a while; bottling it up generally isn't the best option usually.

Funny you should mention wanting a sister. (I posted on that subject previously)


I think ultimately you'll want to find someone (or group of someones, as you prefer) who you can feel at ease with. I imagine one can go the distance with nothing but themselves, but I don't think I'd like to do that, and I am one who can manage quite well with me, myself, and I alone.

When in doubt, baby steps!