yes, i'm bitching. and i'm bitching on here, because i have no one else to really bitch to. fair warning, i may use words not becoming of a lady, but dammit it really reaaly pisses me off. and could be very long.
when my transistion first started, i thought everything would be great, and my wife and i would stay together. she told me she would try and stay with me, but she wasn't a lesbian. i tried to tell her, that she didn't have to identify as one. all i wanted was for her to stay with me and support me. i never asked her once to call me her wife. not effin once. she wouldn't tell people that i was her spouse or partner, and if she did on the phone they assumed her spouse was male, and she continued with that in the conversation using masculine pronouns. she says she tried to switch, but i never heard it once in my earshot. she wouldn't correct anybody else when they got it wrong either, said she didn't feel right. in my opinion, helping me correct family that i normally see or people i work with, is PART of supporting me, whether you feel right doing it or not. everybody elses actions confirms it. and if she couldn't tell people, i was her spouse she said husband and used masculine pronouns, just pretty much telling everyone i'm some kind of perv who runs around wearing women's clothes and she doesn't understand how devastating and life threatening these "mistakes" can be to someone like me. and if she couldn't tell people i was her partner, she told them i was her sister, especially at her work, when new people showed up, i didn't know how to effin act, cuz i didn't know what the hell she had told them. they wouldnt understand why she was outside passionately kissing her sister, it'd only weird them out. and when she told people the truth, she would go hide in the bathroom and cry, or sit in the corner and cry at work. but it's my fault she left. any time i tried to calmly correct her, she would get mad and bitch that i was doing nothing but bitching.
6 months ago, we separated and now are in the process of a dissolution of marriage, because she cheated on me. not just with any person. but a guy, i use to work with at least 5 days a week, in the SAME department. i was livid, as this guy has never shown me any respect at work or here in my own apartment. only AFTER she left did i ever hear her refer to me as she and her. her sister has only done it twice, when around me in ear shot.
it was nice, when we went to mcdonalds one day, and she asked my son, if Aunt Mekayla would get him some ketchup. i sat and listened and watched her facial expressions and my son's as well, he was hungry and tired. her face was a little taut with emotion at having to say such a thing and her speech was slow so that she would get it right. i felt so touched that she had used my name, my poor son sat there with a kinda confused look on his face, but asked me his question (he's only 3), and i got him what he wanted.
my ex blatantly refuses to use Mekayla as my name, she refuses to call me by it "cuz it's not legally my name." i feel that that's a load of crap, and think even after it's changed, she still won't do it and neither will her family because she refuses to correct them. in the beginning i tried to tell her and her sister, and even now i still try to tell them, that if you don't call me Mekayla and use she and her, neither will anyone else. she says she even corrects people now, but i only have her word for it. but i know damned well by other people's actions it's pretty much extremely too little way too late. i still have people at work coming and asking for me by my old name, and she blatantly refuses to correct her family when it comes to my name and pronouns. she uses my full legal name on applications whenever she fills one out, and i've repeatedly asked her to just use initials, but she won't. and yes, initials are legal if they are the same for those that want to get technical about it. that's what the old man at work filled out his application with and it's what's on the schedule board EVERY week, and ALL other paper work.
she also still uses "Mickie" and i've repeatedly asked her and told her to call me Mekayla, she blatantly refuses, cuz "she doesn't know what to call me." if she needs something, she calls me, hey or doesn't address me at all, and almost a year later, she still doesn't get that this hurts me and offends me very very deeply. and if i ignore her, she gets violently pissy with me.
*****i also forgot to add earlier, that when i had finally went to see the gyno to get my hormones, her sister came out to watch my kids so i could go by myself, when i got back i told her how it went, cuz it was quite goofy, but we got on the subject of dating because my ex was already seeing someone and i have been talking to girls online and my ex sees herself as my Supergirl or something and believes she needs to protect me(which would of been good had she helped with pronouns and other things from the start). anyway, the girls i talk to are lesbians some aren't, but most i get intimate with over the net are lez. that is my sexual orientation and my ex and her sister don't seem to understand it, especially her sister cuz she had the audacity to ask me if i tell them i'm a man, i had to really bite my tongue(hurt too) and keep myself from smacking her cuz that question just proved to me that she didn't get how serious my situation really is and that i identify as a lesbian woman and not a straight man. i don't put crap like i'm a pre-op or a non-op transsexual on my profile and then put my picture up, cuz around here a LOT of people get on the sites i go on, read my profile and are barely 50 miles away. so if they really had a problem with me, i would be an easy target, and everyone would pretty much say i had it coming to me.
this doesn't go to say if i did meet someone in real life, off the internet or otherwise, that i wouldn't be up front with them from the start, cuz if they don't want to get past knowing me for other than a sexual encounter then that is not the person for me and i am not for them. i believe a good relationship is important before any sexual encounter is even tackled with. if they love me for me, other things won't be a problem and they'll love me regardless of my flaws and whether or not i can get them fixed.
i dunno what to do anymore, it's driving me crazy and severely depressing me, that i'm shown such complete and utter disrepect for something so minor. a girl can only take so much.....
