Hello, my name is Stephanie,
I turn 45 this year and will try to condense as much of my disaster of a life here as I can without boring any and all who read this.
I did not realize something was different with me until I was 16. Since then I have come to realize that I should have known much earlier since I had always liked to play with the neighborhood girls, dolls, etc... But that is hindsight. At 16, during one of the times I had run away from home I had dressed female and spent those entire 2 weeks as Stephanie. It was a great time, though the living on the streets, being a runaway, and all that comes with that was still a distraction. I look back on this time and wonder why I have made so many bad decisions since then.
I come from a broken family. My father got custody of me when I was 4 after my mothers boyfriend drown me in the bathtub. My father is a very macho type and me being his first born son, much was expected of me. I did not live up to his expectations I am sure. He is an alcoholic and beat the crap out of me at least once a week. During my school years I had a few friends up to Junior High. After that I had maybe 1 at a time for short periods of time. Not fitting in anywhere I was a loner.
During the '80s I attempted suicide 6 times. The first attempt was successful - died twice in the trauma ward, but was shocked back to life each time. Two days in a coma, then 2 years in a mental hospital. All other attempts, though well researched, all ended up with me waking up a day or 2 later. I joined the Army to try to 'cleanse' myself, but that was a disaster and after 3 years they discharged me. I also spent 3 years in the CA Youth Authority because of a stolen car. During much of this time I was separated from the general population because I did not fit in. (Not because of overt actions or dressing on my part as some might think. Basically for my own protection because I was a bit 'off' and did not fit in with everyone else.)
The '90s I spent waiting tables, travelling between CA, OR and NE. I had climbed into a bottle since I had ruled suicide as futile and decided I would just wait until I died. So much of this decade is a blur to me. I had married in 1990 for 4 months. Then again in 1996 for 6 months. In 1998 I married my third and current wife. Up to 1998 I really have nothing to say about my life except that I think I flushed 8 years of my life down the toilet.
From 1998 until 2008 I tried really hard to be a man and all that entails. I actually have had a steady address, I changed professions from restaurant related to truck driving in 2006. I have 3 step children who seem to love me, as I definitely do them. I have climbed out of the bottle for the most part - I still drink when I am at home, but nothing compared to before.
Last year I came clean with my wife and since then we have been discussing the past, and trying to figure out what to do about the future. She accepts me as Stephanie though she admits it is not easy. She wants to be supportive and hopefully we will stay together during the entire adventure. Currently I drive truck OTR 25-35 days at a time and am at home 4-5 days before going back out. My clothes are mostly female. I have been taking herbal hormones since last August with what I would consider limited results. I have finally qualified for medical insurance and want to look for a doctor though I am clueless exactly how to go about that. Oh, and I have been scouring the web for help. Found a bunch of perv sites, but nothing until now. I sure hope I have found the right place.
This is getting a bit long and I apologize. I will be here as often as I can, which basically means whenever I can find a truck stop with internet.
Have a great day everyone, and thank you.
Stephanie
