Dazed and Confused

[charis]

Hello.

Always a little difficult to know how to begin these. I'm from Northern England - don't want to be more precise than that at this stage - and at the moment I'm a bit of a mess. I'll try to make this not too disjointed a ramble!

I had a crisis at a friend about a month ago, which has lead me to investigate and try to figure out what, or even if, I am. So I can't give you a label, but feel free to assign me one What intrigues me is, I thought I was alone but I actually fit what's almost a stereotype that is: the person who thought they were a girl when little, but was told pretty clearly "no you're nor, you have to live like a boy cos that's what you are."  In my case it was getting caught reading girls' magazines during wet playtime was the final straw for my teachers; they stationed a boy to make sure I couldn't get hold of girls toys etc. from then on. Lots of mockery, beatings and even the girls wouldn't play with me after that. School became pretty hideous, I guess a lot of you have been there.

I read about behavioural psychology at some point, about age 12 I think. I told myself that I'd just learnt the wrong behavioural patterns - as an "intelligent" human being, rather than the animals on which the studies were conducted, I should be able to change that. So I built myself a boy, and made it "strong" and basically a little horror. Crying at home in bed over how nasty I was to "fit in". Again, I now know I'm far from the only one.

Sometime in my 20s I decided to die. That is, the girl. Can't exist, let the boy get on with it. You know what comes next :/ depression, self-harm, suicide attempts. Somewhere inside the girl didn't die, it can't without all of it dying. Which I try to make sure isn't an option, but some days, well y'know.

So. About a month ago it all blew up, and the boy didn't come back when I put it all together again. And I don't know what I am or where I'm going, or if. My current mindset can be described as "wild oscillations" and I'm pretty scared.

Well, that's enough about me for now. You seem a great bunch, so I'll be around trying to figure out what to do now. And hopefully I can help someone too. I don't want anyone to end up like me. I'd like everyone to have a big dose of love, it's about the one thing I have plenty of.

[kody2011]

Hi Charlotte!!! I'm so glad that you found us! Hope that we can all help you out!!!

[Stephanie2664]

Hi Charlotte,

I am very new here also and I am glad to have found this place, and I am sure you will be too.  Everyone seems so friendly.  I have just begun finding the information I had come to think was unfindable but that I desperately needed/wanted here and it has lifted my spirits greatly.

I can completely relate to your story, being told your a boy - deal with it, etc...  The depression, the suicidal thoughts (actions for me though), etc...  It is good to know you have stuck through it and have survived to continue in this adventure.  I hope you find all you need here, as I hope to, and I feel we have both found a safe, friendly and supportive group of people here.

Welcome.   

Stephanie

[charis]

Thanks for the welcome, people.

One of the things that truly appeals to me about this site is, it caters for all and is strict on that. I can honestly see myself ending up anywhere between a weekend cross dresser, and fully transitioning. It's just quite astonishing. If I hadn't have decided, as I say, in my 20s to "leave girlish things behind" (well, to try to) that was when the internet was becoming. If I'd have just left it a few more years maybe I'd have found something like this then, and a lot less damage would have occurred! Don't try to ignore it people, it doesn't "just go away".

On that note, thinking back to childhood, does anyone else have the same horror I do about the phrase "it's just a phase {s}he's going through" ?

Anyway. Regrets are fine to acknowledge, but we'll not be self-pitying, will we?

*hugs* for all that want them

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Charlotte,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2230 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks
  

Janet

[K8]

Hi Charlotte.  Welcome to Susan's.

As you are aware, your story is not that different from a lot of ours here.  I grew up in a different time and a different place, but our stories are very similar. 

When I was little I thought I should be a girl, but it was obvoius I wasn't.  With much struggle I became a successful boy.  I was a crossdresser for too many years and thought that was all I was.  Finally, with the help of therapy and friends, I am finding the woman I was meant to be.  I've never been happier.

Good luck finding Stephanie.

*hugs*
Kate

[Robyn]

And Kate hit the main point:  Therapy/counseling

Finding a gender counselor through your NHS is probably the most important thing you can do to help YOU decide who you are - crossdresser, transsexual, androgyne... - and what to do about it.

Robyn

Oh,,,, and come on into Chat sometime.  We have a fair number of boyz and grlz from the UK and the Queen's colonies.

[Cindy]

Hi Charlotte

Yes Iwas told it was a phase I was going through by my father. "It's just a phase because you don't have a girl friend" UHHH. I wanted a boyfriend.

Cindy

[Feever]

Hiya Charlotte.

You are not alone.  All of us here are in some way like you.  Like you, I preferred girl stuff as a child.  I was insulated from that to some degree since I was one of 6 boys.  There were no girls in the neighborhood, and my brothers and I spent most of our childhood with another family of 5 boys.  Needless to say I wasnt able to express myself well, and was frequently the butt of jokes.  I remember being teased because I dont like normal boy things like sports, and was frequently called gay.

So, you are not the only one, and we are here for you.

Look around Susan's.  There is a lot of information here, but even more than that, there is understanding and compassion.  Take a little time and see whats here, but dont forget the most important thing:

You have to live within your own skin.  If that means making your skin match your mind, then so be it.  You have tried to match your mind to your skin, and you see where that got you.  Dont rush into any decisions, seek a gender counselor, and keep your significant others involved if you do choose to transition. 

Welcome to Susan's!!

[Lori]

Hi and welcome. I believe you are in dire need of a therapist/counselor/psychologist. Hopefully one that deals with LGBT issues or Gender issues.

Being a transsexual, transvestite, transgender anything is a self diagnosed issue. A good therapist can help  confirm your diagnosis. Nobody here is qualified to tell you. We can only say we had similarities growing up or we feel a certain way.

Best thing to do is study and read and try to find others like yourself. Once that pandora's box is open, be careful. You seem pretty cautious so far, but I'll warn you when you tell people it will change how they look at you forever. There is no taking it back. So you want to be very sure of your diagnosis.

Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Maebh]

Thanks for the welcome, people.

One of the things that truly appeals to me about this site is, it caters for all and is strict on that. I can honestly see myself ending up anywhere between a weekend cross dresser, and fully transitioning. It's just quite astonishing. If I hadn't have decided, as I say, in my 20s to "leave girlish things behind" (well, to try to) that was when the internet was becoming. If I'd have just left it a few more years maybe I'd have found something like this then, and a lot less damage would have occurred! Don't try to ignore it people, it doesn't "just go away".

On that note, thinking back to childhood, does anyone else have the same horror I do about the phrase "it's just a phase {s}he's going through" ?

Anyway. Regrets are fine to acknowledge, but we'll not be self-pitying, will we?

*hugs* for all that want them

Faílte Charlotte.
Yes this is a good site. Make sure to read the rules.
Have you heard of the Butterfly Group in Belfast? If ever you want more info send me a message and I could get you the way to contact them.
Yes you are right, because some parts of some others stories, feeling and experience sound similar to yours you don't have to jump and stick a label on yourself. We are all unique and different and so are you. Still it is nice and reassuring to find out you are not alone. It also helps to be able to share and explore in a safe and respectful environment.

Go n-éirí do bhóthar leat
All the best on your voyage of self discovery and realisation.

Hope, Love, Light and Respect.
Maebh