Another Hard Blow To Handle

[Julie Marie]

I just got off the phone with my daughter. She's getting married in June. I was shocked because she's only known this guy a few months. I was supportive but cautious. I asked the usual things like are you sure.

We talked a bit more and I mentioned walking her down the aisle.  I've pictured doing this from the day she was born.  This means the world to me.  That's my place.  I raised her and I did a pretty good job.  It's my job to give her away.

That's when it happened.  She asked my step son to walk her down the aisle because she couldn't handle her TS father doing it.  Of all the blows I've endured because I'm TS I think this was the worst. Right now I just want to cry my eyes out but I know that will solve nothing. I have to deal with the pain.  

If she doesn't want me to walk her down the aisle I don't know if I can attend her wedding. It would hurt too much seeing someone else take my place. She knows I have to work for two more years and the only way I can go to work is in male mode so if I can do it for work I can do it for a day and I'd do that for her in a heartbeat. But she never even considered me. There's another hole in my heart. I don't know how many more I can take.

Of all the pain I've endured being TS the worst has come from my kids.  Their mother won't stand up to them and tell them this treatment of me is wrong.  She instead consoles them, like they are the only ones suffering.  That's why it's so easy for them to stab me in the heart.  They can't see I'm suffering too.

I know life can't always be peaches and cream.  I also know I've paid a heavy price for being TS and it looks like it's not over.

I'm sorry for dumping.  I'm here alone trying to deal with this but nothing seems to help.

[Annwyn]

There's nothing wrong with crying.
Sometime the best thing to do for us transsexuals is to just... forget.

[HelenW]

Oh that's so hard, Julie!  So very hard!

I hope she comes to her senses before the wedding takes place - you deserve to be there no matter what you look like.

[BrandiOK]

Thats terrible Julie....maybe let it go for a couple days or so then talk to her again.  I think saying exactly what you said here would be the perfect words in your next conversation with her.  She can certainly change her mind and allow you to take your place at her side.  Give her another try....if she still chooses to have someone else walk her down the aisle then that's something she will have to live with also.  Hopefully someday your children will come around.

[Hazumu]

Julie, I'm saddened to hear the rejection you've been dealt.

Why do the predjudices have to come out in wedding ceremonies (a rhetorical question...)  I just note that they do.

Here in Sacramento, a trans-couple are getting married next month.  The bride is being brought to the altar by her mother (who, of course, accepts her) because her father is still stuck in 'denial'...

I realize the above is probably little or no comfort to you right now, but I do hope that in some way it helps;

Karen

[stephanie_craxford]

I just got off the phone with my daughter. She's getting married in June. I was shocked because she's only known this guy a few months. I was supportive but cautious. I asked the usual things like are you sure.

We talked a bit more and I mentioned walking her down the aisle.  I've pictured doing this from the day she was born.  This means the world to me.  That's my place.  I raised her and I did a pretty good job.  It's my job to give her away.

That's when it happened.  She asked my step son to walk her down the aisle because she couldn't handle her TS father doing it.  Of all the blows I've endured because I'm TS I think this was the worst. Right now I just want to cry my eyes out but I know that will solve nothing. I have to deal with the pain.  

If she doesn't want me to walk her down the aisle I don't know if I can attend her wedding. It would hurt too much seeing someone else take my place. She knows I have to work for two more years and the only way I can go to work is in male mode so if I can do it for work I can do it for a day and I'd do that for her in a heartbeat. But she never even considered me. There's another hole in my heart. I don't know how many more I can take.

Of all the pain I've endured being TS the worst has come from my kids.  Their mother won't stand up to them and tell them this treatment of me is wrong.  She instead consoles them, like they are the only ones suffering.  That's why it's so easy for them to stab me in the heart.  They can't see I'm suffering too.

I know life can't always be peaches and cream.  I also know I've paid a heavy price for being TS and it looks like it's not over.

I'm sorry for dumping.  I'm here alone trying to deal with this but nothing seems to help.

Julie, first off you never, ever have to say sorry for "dumping", that's what we're here for, so get that right out of your head.

Secondly I can relate to what you are going through, as can several others I know of at Susan's.  It is certainly one of the cruelest things that we have to endure when our children turn their back on us.  The only hope that we have is that it's not a permanent reaction.  I suffered as you are now, but I realize knowing that doesn't lessen the pain.  I was fortunate that I was able to walk my daughter down the isle, and that was the last time I was ever in male clothing, and it was the last time I saw her for over a year.

I was so scared I would loose her forever but it didn't happen.  Just like those here told me "all she needed was time, and she will come around", and she did.  Your situation is much different, being seemingly shut out from the most important day of her life is tragic to say the least.  I have no idea how close you and your daughter are, but it seems she has taken your TS'ism very hard, and who could blame her, I know that I've never blamed anyone but me, as it's all a part of the consequences we risk occurring.  But as much as it pains me to say, the fact is that there isn't a whole lot that you can do about it except that to continually let her know that you love her, support her and that you will always be there for her.  The words are cheap I know and they roll off the tongue very easily, but I think that they are important enough for you to keep reminding her of them.

You said that she didn't even consider you to walk her down the isle, if that was the case maybe she didn't realize that it's something that you wanted to do.  You should ask her and let her know that you want to do it and that you would do it in male mode if you had to.  What do you have to loose.  Tell her that you want to be at the wedding and be the one to walk her down the isle, and maybe if you tell her this she will change her mind.  On the down side to this is the very real possibility that your daughter will tell you exactly why she doesn't want you to participate, just be prepared.

We can't force anyone to love us, like us, support us, agree with us, to stay by our side, it's a consequence that we all realize we face as a result of being TS.  Many can't suffer though this, many can, but that doesn't make our own individual hells easier to endure.

No matter how hurtful her actions are never give up on her, she is your daughter, and while there is breath in your body there is hope.

Steph

[Melissa]

Oh, I'm so sorry Julie.  That is a big blow.  Sometimes we don't realize what a hard life this is until things like this happen.  I would say exactly what Brandi said.  I think it's important that you express how you feel to her.  I really hope this can be resolved to your satisfaction by the time the wedding comes around.

*Hugs*

Melissa

[Jillieann Rose]

Julie,
I hurt for you dear.
I have a son who can't even talk to me.
He told his mother that he that he would rather punch me in the face than talk to me.
That doesn't help you but I does help to explain how i'm able to feel your pain.
Stephane is right

Julie, first off you never, ever have to say sorry for "dumping", that's what we're here for, so get that right out of your head.

When you need to dump away.

The advise you got about talking to your daughter is the same thing that I would have said. You need to be honest with her and share your feelings. It may help but no promises.

Just hang on Juile time does change things.
Hugs

Jillieann

[Elizabeth]

Julie,

I am so sorry this has happened to you.  Some people are so fearful of society's backlash, they want nothing to do with us.  I have a 23 year old daughter who has broken contact with me.  I too always imagined myself walking her down the aisle with tears rolling down my face, but I know that my fate will be the same as yours.

We can not change what others think, say or do and it's wasted effort to try.  Keep in mind that it is very doubtful she is doing this to hurt you, and indeed she may be very hurt by it.  What girl don't want her dad to walk her down the aisle? For her it may just be impossible.  The potential consequences may be just too high for her.  My brother told me he had to break off all contact with me because he didn't want people to think "I condone that sort of thing".

Unfortunately, people value what they feel society thinks of them more than the people they supposedly love.  I fully expect to miss my daughters wedding, whenever it happens.   I am sure I won't even be invited, much less take my place walking her down the aisle. Even though until the divorce, me and my daughter had always been pretty close. And to be honest with you, it's just ok with me.  Unless I could do it in a beautiful dress as the person I truly am, I would not want to do it anyway.

I know that seems very selfish, but I am tired of apologizing for being TS, I did not ask for and it's not my fault.  I am tired of being the one to take the blame for others peoples fear.  Hold your head high sis.  This is not your fault.  You did nothing wrong. You are still the loving father you have always been.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kimberly]

^*hug*
I am so sorry Julie.

I do not know what would be best to do but I think I would tell my daughter how I felt.

I am sorry.

[Sheila]

Julie, I'm so sorry for you. It was very insensitive of your daughter, but maybe she didn't know what you were doing. I can only try and think on the positive and think that she was OK with your TS and that it is OK. I would think that if you sat down and wrote your daughter a nice letter explaining what this all meant to you and how you have always wanted to walk her down the aisle. Tell her you are very sadden by her choice and that you will abide by her decision. It is hard, I know, I have had some pretty mean things done to me over the years by my son.
Big hugs to you, love Sheila

[Julie Marie]

I have a son who can't even talk to me.

I know the feeling.  I have two sons who I haven't heard their voices for over a year.  My daughter and I have been very close through all of this but now I get this.  It was really unexpected.

Thank you ladies for your encouraging words.  We all know our lives aren't easy and we hope for some things to work out but we don't always get our wish.  As for me I'll be okay.  I'm a fighter and I know how to survive even in the toughest environments.  I just didn't expect this from my daughter.  I really thought we were closer than that.

[cindianna_jones]

It's a tragedy Julie.  I sympathize with you.  I know, I've been there. And it hurts to the core. There sometimes isn't a good solution other to try to keep up your spirits and tell her you love her no matter what.  I would try to make sure you get to the wedding.  Be prepared to not be part of the wedding pictures.  Be upfront with your daughter and tell her what you want, but she'll be making those decisions.  You don't want to "ruin" her day for her.  Later on, someday, she'll come around.  It's sad to stand by the wayside like that, but it is what we have to do to maintain contact with our families.

My best and love to you Julie.  Good luck doll.

Cindi

[amberwish]

julie the only thing i can think of to add is in your last sentence you said you are alone.  you are not alone you have everyone here with you at all times. just keep loving her.

hugs and    amber

[Buffy]

Hi Julie,

I was so sad when I read this the first time that I couldn't respond.

I have two sons who I have not seen or spoken to for 6 years now and that hurts, deeply.

So I share your pain with your sons and also with what your daughter has said.....I always live in hope though, my sons where young and soon the eldest will be 18 andcan have a mind of his own.

The fact your daughter doesn't want you to give her away is distressing yes, but doesn't mean she has stopped loving you.

Does time heal?.... I will see and so will you.

I hope it does.

Buffy

[tinkerbell]

I am so sorry Julie, but probably she hasn't had enough time to think about this.  June is still many months away, and  many things can happen until then.  So Keep your hopes up!  chin up and all of that!



tinkerbell

P.S.  Life is a PITA, isn't it?

[Mario]

Julie,
     I think it is very good of you to offer to "dress to make others comfortable" but does she know that you would dress as "dad" for her? This is the sort of thing I fear as my kids get older. When the day comes for a wedding, what do I do? What does a mom do? Will I want to be in that role but as a man? I think it will depend on how her friends react to me. If they are cool with me as me then fine, if not, then I guess I'm out. I feel so bad for you. It's this kind of stuff that is the hardest to deal with. Like now, since my daughter Mariah is in a diffferent high school where no one knows me atleast I can go watch her volleyball games, but if she was still where she was last year then I would not be able to go. She does not want me to approch her though after a game. Keep my distance you know. It is tough. If your daughter knows you will do that for her, than you should be the only choice.

                                        Marco

[sheila18]

Julie:
  This is the price we pay sad  yet true...Your daughter wedding is her wedding not yours also is her fiance's wedding and he may have his own ideas.
  The sooner that we can accept this the sooner we can move to the next stage, grand children.  I would gladly had given my daughters wedding thing ( by the way I gave my daughter away 4 years ago as a Dad) for the opportunity to have a relationship with my grand children.
I had to see that is wonderful that i have accepted my self as a Transexual that is my spiritual journey, however not my kids, even if  it affects them.
  Is so easy to carry the fight for our transgendered rights into the living room of our families that we forget that they love us even if they do not understand and stand against it for political and religious reasons. Where does it says that our kids have to be like us or do what we say no matter what?
Is it not enough that they still love us? that is a miracle for me that they  still love us.
  We have learned a lot a coping mechanisms and have endured a lot for this made us even stronger, we forget that our experiences and the benefits of it are not our children's
  Like strong words these may sound like, but really once we look at it is a relief and freedom to act properly
The freedom to be around  grand kids is a handsome reward for not playing part of the ceremony even  if it is for  THE ceremony.
Remember it was not personal on the part of your daughter and it was not about you.
  I think you have an amazing daughter that is strong enough to stand up for you and invite you to her wedding, you do not know what she has gone through for you. To me that invitation says that she has your back.
but there are others involved ...
I know that these words are prickly, yet I hope that in a place of inner silence they will help you see the bigger picture the picture of love even the unspoken love your kid is showing.

Believe it or not, with love and sympathy, Sheila18

[Julie_in_MT]

Julie,

The issues concerning your family concerning your transition is their problem,not your's.
It involves you,but it's not your issue, it's theirs.
I've been through it, I know it's hard to deal with.
((((HUGS))))

Julie

[Julie Marie]

Again, thank you all so much. It really means a lot to me to know you are there.

I went into a funk for a few days about this. I really didn't know what to do. I had thought of a lot of ways to handle this but nothing seemed right.

During my electrolysis session yesterday I told Suzanne. She commented on how we over emphasize (I'm not sure if that's the word she used) three things and marriage is one of them. It made sense. Then on the way home I thought about what is really happening here. I saw myself sitting on the side, the transsexual father, and people judging me or, for those who don't know, wondering why I'm not there by her side. But that's the ego speaking, not the me inside.

Today I was talking to my sister. She mentioned how my daughter freed me to be Julie and said something about wearing a tux. I couldn't wear a tux or even a suit. I cringe at the thought. It would be like covering myself with poison ivy. I'd be so uncomfortable! But the idea my daughter had freed me, I liked that.

That's when I realized I have crossed the line. I can't go back. I'd rather die. When I saw myself at the wedding as Julie, as me, a quiet peace came over me. I felt happy for her and very contented.

I doubt she'll want Julie there and that's okay. She's still young and doesn't have the personal strength to stand up on her own. But she will someday and I hope to help her do that.