Introduction, and a question about transitioning, RLE, and privacy concerns

[Interconnected]

Hi everyone! 

This is my first post on this site and therefore an introduction of sorts, but I'll refrain from going into too much detail about my background and instead get to the point of my post. 

Anyway, I consider myself to be transgendered (MTF), but I'm not sure at this point just how far I am to the side of that spectrum.  After lots and lots (and lots) of contemplation, I've decided that it would be a very valuable experience for me to spend a period of time living 24/7 as a woman.  My random thoughts about this are:

1.  The arbitrary period of time I've come up with is about a month, which should be long enough to give me a decent little dose of what day-to-day life is like for a female and hopefully cut through any pink fog that might currently be enveloping me. 

2.  As I would like to use this as a way to learn more about myself without destroying my career, I plan to do this in-between jobs.  However, in the interest of realism, I am hoping to work during this period of time in some capacity that is separate from my current career.  I think volunteering someplace would be great, or perhaps finding a company that accepted my situation and allowed me to work as a woman while being on their books as a male.   

3.  I would like to start seeing a therapist beforehand and am wondering, based on what I've read from others' experiences, if it might be beneficial to see if I can start hormones a month (or two?) prior to this mini-RLE.  The idea here is to see if I can experience some of the mental effects of the hormones without (hopefully) undergoing any irreversible physical / physiological changes from them. 

4.  I will likely laser the hair on my face beforehand, since it will make it much easier to deal with makeup, etc. on a daily basis while 24/7.

The idea here is that, when my mini-RLE is complete, I should have a much better understanding of myself and where I may want to go with all this.  My questions (finally):

1.  Any thoughts on my plan?  Good idea?  Dangerous?  Unrealistic? 
2.  And my big question:  Is there a way I can see a therapist and perhaps even start hormones without having any of this put in my permanent medical record?  My assumption is that I'd have to be willing to incur most or all therapy and endo costs out of my own pocket (which I would be okay with), but am wondering if even that would be enough.  Here in the U.S. it seems almost impossible now to even talk to a doctor without giving your social security number first, and this is something I am *very* uncomfortable doing given the overall lack of security and privacy of data nowadays. 

Amy

[tekla]

It sounds like a plan.

But, it takes a long time to go through the laser deal, so you should start now and be ready in a year or so.  And its expensive.

I'm sure that you can see a therapist and pay the fee upfront and not have it be on any record.  It might take a while before they will write a referral to a medical doctor who would write a script for hormones however.

And, its always good to do something real, a job, or volunteer or some such.

[Nero]

What Tekla said. And in most cases, if your therapist follows the SOC, you're looking at about 3 months before they'll allow hormones.

[Cindy]

Hi
It's a workable plan, and if you are young go for it. Laser and electro take time, don't know how hairy you are . Do you present ok? Nothing wrong if you don't. If you can get a job as fem. One it's a job. two it helps pay the bills. Three you are RLE.
Good Luck Honey
And welcome
Cindy

[Renate]

Hmm.. That all seems a bit strange to me personally. You seem to be viewing this as a test.

• Starting hormones but trying to avoid permanent physical effects.
• Embarking on RLE with a pre-determined time limit, or with any limit at all.

To me, it isn't "real life" unless it's real and not a vacation.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Amy,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2230 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another Sister.

And be sure to check out

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Janet

[K8]

Welcome to Susan's, Amy. 

It is scary to start on this process, but I think living full time is toward the end of it rather than a trial run in the beginning.  If you aren't even willing to have your therapy on record, I wonder if you've come to terms with being TG in your own mind.  To me, that's the first, vital step - accepting who and what you are.

What about friends, family, acquaintances, the gal at the coffee shop where you get your espresso every morning?

From a practical standpoint, you will probably need quite a few laser treatments before you'll see enough of a difference to make it worthwhile.  As for hormones, I've been on hormones for two months and haven't noticed any mental changes from the E but noticed a huge change after only three days on the anti-androgen.  If you're only concerned about a one-month test run, you won't need estrogen.

If you want to essentially cross-dress for a month, go for it.  And maybe that will help you decide what you want to do.  But to make the transition and live full time involves an awful lot more than what you see in the mirror.

Good luck on your journey, wherever it may take you.

- Kate

[Sandy]

Amy:

Welcome to Susan's!  Your plan does sound ambitious but doable if you have the dedication for it.

It seems well thought out.  If you decide to actually permanently change your gender, you will spend virtually all of your time in society so learning how to deal with being a woman in society it an excellent introduction.  Especially if you decide to work/volunteer in an area that while may know of your history will still accept and interact with you as a woman.  Also the whole issue of getting up, getting ready, going to "work", is all part of interacting with society.

This is a very bold move on your part and I wish you all the best.

There are very practical matters involved.  As others have stated, starting therapy now is probably a good thing.  This will start a relationship with a therapist who can give you pointers on how to go through your test.  General recommendations for cross hormone therapy from therapists is approximately 2 to 3 months minimum. Also most physicians will not recommend cross hormone therapy without a therapists recommendation and a complete blood workup.  Please do not self medicate.

Your ideas seem sound.  If you were able to start cross hormone therapy, you would not see any appreciable physical change in the few weeks you specify for your test, however you would notice some mental changes.  Obviously loss of libido and erection/climax will be initially affected, but you may also notice changes in mood.  If you decide to stop your hormone regimen within the first eight months or so you should not have any irreversible changes but, of course, your physician will be the best person to discuss this with.

Hair removal of any permanent sort will take a great investment in time (and money), so you may have to do some significant makeup/beard cover initially.  This isn't as big a deal as you might think.  There are women who have to deal with this on a regular basis (hirsuteness) and there is thicker foundation that can help.  Also stage makeup is a perfect way to initially hide a beard shadow, check out Ben Nye stage makeup for pointers.

Keep us posted on your progress, Amy!  Especially that first day.  You can do this.  Believe it!

-Sandy

[tekla]

That all seems a bit strange to me personally. You seem to be viewing this as a test.

Well, back in the day it was set up as just that, a real life test.  A test to make sure that its what you really wanted, and that the price you were going to pay was not going to be too much.  The price is steep, make sure it's what you really want, that its going to make you what you feel you must be, need to be, should be.

It used to be required BEFORE any real treatments were prescribed under the old SoC, but it seems to have gone by the wayside.  For a lot of people who could go either way its a good way to find out if doing it is going to make the huge difference you seek, or if its just going to be a different way to go about getting the same crap.

[lisagurl]

I think that you have unreasonable expectations. It is not something that you can test without ramifications.

[Interconnected]

Wow - how cool to get so many well-though-out replies so quickly.  Thanks!  I have to run to work shortly but will respond to what you all wrote later today. 

For now, though, I'll just quickly say that my purpose for setting up this little test for myself is to try and gauge how well I can handle having to present in public on a regular basis.  My reasoning for including hormones in there is that, if possible, I would like to reduce all male sexual libido beforehand to minimize any potential "pink fog" from affecting the results.  If I fail this test, I can go back to my "regular" life without having had to completely disrupt my life (not to mention the lives of others). 

There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever about whether I'm transgendered; the challenge for me is to try and figure out what I should do about it -- without permanently altering my life and the lives of those around me.

Other random information about me:  I'm in my 30's, single w/ no kids, live in the Bay Area, and am gainfully employed.

Edited to add:  I don't look at this as a substitute for a true RLT; I look at this as a way to help figure out whether I even want to attempt a RLT.   

[Kyla]

Wow - how cool to get so many well-though-out replies so quickly.  Thanks!  I have to run to work shortly but will respond to what you all wrote later today. 

For now, though, I'll just quickly say that my purpose for setting up this little test for myself is to try and gauge how well I can handle having to present in public on a regular basis.  My reasoning for including hormones in there is that, if possible, I would like to reduce all male sexual libido beforehand to minimize any potential "pink fog" from affecting the results.  If I fail this test, I can go back to my "regular" life without having had to completely disrupt my life (not to mention the lives of others). 

There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever about whether I'm transgendered; the challenge for me is to try and figure out what I should do about it -- without permanently altering my life and the lives of those around me.

Other random information about me:  I'm in my 30's, single w/ no kids, live in the Bay Area, and am gainfully employed.

Edited to add:  I don't look at this as a substitute for a true RLT; I look at this as a way to help figure out whether I even want to attempt a RLT.   

I seem to be in the same boat as you, I have no started doing much of anything to further my progression to the other side of the gender spectrum, albeit I'm a bit younger than you (22). However, I know I'm a female inside a male body, and I don't really care how I go about achieving it, but I will be female some day.

I'm not sure what exactly having libido is like, because I've never really been sexually attracted to anything (females, males, rocks, etc...). I'm pretty sure you are the only one who knows what is best for you, and what exactly you need to do. If you think this is the best method to approach the issue, than this is what you should do.

Just my two cents, which amounts to a lot less these days

[Dawn D.]

Amy,

I suppose if a "mini-RLT" is what you need to do, you probably live in one of the best locals to try it. That being said, it is only from my pespective on what life is visualized as in the Bay Area. I have heard though, that people there too can have their extreme prejudices. Sooo, please be careful when out and about.

As for hormones, again be careful and make sure that if you do start them, you see a qualified doctor first. They are of course a very powerful drug and can have very dire consequences. I assume all of this you have researched and are already aware of.

The only concern that I have with your plan is this:

 

Edited to add:  I don't look at this as a substitute for a true RLT; I look at this as a way to help figure out whether I even want to attempt a RLT.

It's quite possible that you may be setting yourself up for failure before you really even start. Please don't take this as me being judgmental, I'm not. Your success and everyone else's in their RLT is what I truely hope to see happen. The level of RLT you propose to engage in is, to me, one in which a person might want to have had some time out in the world on shorter excursions first in order to "hone or refine" themselves. To see what they might need to work on or at to help them succeed better and gain confidence in yourself first. You will have set backs. Having one in a "trial" RLT may cause you to cancel the whole thought all together. And, the issue that causes you to cancel RLT may only be a very minor one at that. Something you could, with time adjust yourself too and deal with, had you only been on a, say, weekend outing? This would, to me, be a very sad thing to see happen to someone who really would otherwise quite possibly make it work. It's a lot of time and a lot of money to invest as well as personal emotional costs to put at risk.

I considered something similar to what you have presented here about three years ago. I thank my wife and my therapist for talking me out of doing just that. I am quite certain I would have failed. I can see now I did not have the confidence nor certainty needed in order to succeed at that time.

I can, without even one doubt, tell you RLT for me will be successful now simply because I waited until I was really ready for it. I've only begun mine a little over a month ago, however, things just couldn't possibly be better! Well, ok, they could, I know this surgeon........................... 

Again, this is only my opinion and you have to follow your heart. Good luck to you, Amy. I wish the best if you proceed.


Dawn

[K8]

The level of RLT you propose to engage in is, to me, one in which a person might want to have had some time out in the world on shorter excursions first in order to "hone or refine" themselves. To see what they might need to work on or at to help them succeed better and gain confidence in yourself first. You will have set backs. Having one in a "trial" RLT may cause you to cancel the whole thought all together. And, the issue that causes you to cancel RLT may only be a very minor one at that. Something you could, with time adjust yourself too and deal with, had you only been on a, say, weekend outing?

I agree with Dawn.  Try an evening, then a weekend, then...  Changing your presentation to the world takes practice.  Small steps lead to larger steps.

Good luck.

- Kate

[Sandy]

Wow - how cool to get so many well-though-out replies so quickly.  Thanks!  I have to run to work shortly but will respond to what you all wrote later today. 

For now, though, I'll just quickly say that my purpose for setting up this little test for myself is to try and gauge how well I can handle having to present in public on a regular basis.  My reasoning for including hormones in there is that, if possible, I would like to reduce all male sexual libido beforehand to minimize any potential "pink fog" from affecting the results.  If I fail this test, I can go back to my "regular" life without having had to completely disrupt my life (not to mention the lives of others). 

There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever about whether I'm transgendered; the challenge for me is to try and figure out what I should do about it -- without permanently altering my life and the lives of those around me.

Other random information about me:  I'm in my 30's, single w/ no kids, live in the Bay Area, and am gainfully employed.

Edited to add:  I don't look at this as a substitute for a true RLT; I look at this as a way to help figure out whether I even want to attempt a RLT.   

Amy:

I have to admit that I was assuming that you had already tried some time being in public already.  An evening, a weekend, some period of time to gauge your actions and responses.

Let's not kid ourselves, hon, you will get read early on.  I got read (clocked) dozens of times.  It is part of the learning experience.  Fortunately I never experienced any violence, but I'm sure you know that it does happen so keep yourself safe.

If you are going to dive into the deep end of the pool, so to speak, just take your time and try not to get discouraged.

I still think that what you are planning is a wonderful, bold, experiment.  I get the feeling that you have given this a lot of thought.  If that is so then you've probably already anticipated many of the things already said by others.

Just don't let some minor events unduly influence your decision.  Once you complete your experiment, review everything that happened as objectively as possible.  Keep a diary if you can.  And post your experiences here.  We're here to encourage and support all our sisters and brothers here.

Best of luck, Amy!

-Sandy

[Interconnected]

Hi again to everyone,

I guess I should have given more background on myself before posting about the mini-RLE.    I've been dressing since I was very young and first started venturing out in public for daytime jaunts maybe 4 years ago.  (I went shopping with a couple GGs to several stores in a busy downtown area and then to a crowded area restaurant.)  Since then I've started going out more and more in an attempt to essentially add different experiences to my list.  Some of the things I've now done:

Busy, upscale restaurants
Pedicures in a crowded salon
Shopping in a mall on a weekend
Grocery shopping
Getting gas
Going to a play
Going to straight bars (felt safe because they were here in SF)

Spending days/afternoons/evenings as a woman has been wonderful, but the frustration of having to cut the experiments short in order to go back to work on Monday, etc. is one of the big drivers behind my wanting to try a mini-RLE.  The other glaring issue with the above list is that it doesn't include as much socialization as I'd like --  hence the desire for a longer stint as Amy that includes work/volunteering.

From many of the responses here it sounds like hormones during this time may be a challenge to work out beforehand from a logistics standpoint.  Either way, a good therapist will be a great place to start, as long as I can do so somewhat under the radar.  (Because I don't want a GID diagnosis in my permanant medical record unless or until I've decided that I'm going to pursue drastic changes to my life.) 

Amy

[tekla]

In SF everyone notices, but few care is pretty much what I've found. There are many things to do, places to get involved, groups that meet at the LGBTXYZ Center, political groups, social groups, hell, the Giants even have a couple of LGBT days. 

[Dawn D.]

Amy,

Well, from what I read of your latest post, it sounds like you're on track pretty good! I fully get how you feel now. I say go for it! Just do the right thing when it comes to taking hormones. OK?


Dawn

[Kathrin]

Is there a way I can see a therapist and perhaps even start hormones without having any of this put in my permanent medical record?  My assumption is that I'd have to be willing to incur most or all therapy and endo costs out of my own pocket (which I would be okay with), but am wondering if even that would be enough.  Here in the U.S. it seems almost impossible now to even talk to a doctor without giving your social security number first, and this is something I am *very* uncomfortable doing given the overall lack of security and privacy of data nowadays.

Well, there's not a single permanent medical record, per se.  That's one of the many advantages to unsocalized medicine - you have a choice in who you see.

That being said, practitioners do keep their own records.  These are protected by HIPAA from disclosure, with a few exceptions (disease control, threat to others, etc.)  The social security number is required for insurance, as is disclosure to the insurance company.  If you don't want the insurance company knowing, do not pay with insurance.

When you do the intake appointment, they will give you a lot of forms.  Much of it is optional, especially if you aren't using insurance - simply leave it blank.  You can tell them you are paying cash, and refuse to provide ID.  As for the SSN, you are not legally required to have one, so they have no way to truly require you to give them one.  If they do, you could like.  You can also lie about your name - just be prepared to pay cash (not debit) if you do.

On a practical note, if you have to lie to your therapist, you're doing something wrong.  "I won't tell you" is a very real, understandable response - especially for something like this.  I have worked with several therapists; all were willing to accommodate my privacy concerns.

[Mister]

If you're in the Bay Area, you need not follow SOC if you don't want to.  There are plenty of places you can start you transition with informed consent. 

Also, you may want to check out TGSF-- they have monthly dinners at the cathedral hill hotel, events and a bunch of really incredible bowlers.  www.tgsf.org