Alright boys, lay it on me.

[kisschittybangbang]

gor a while now, I've been dabbling in writing ideas for a book with an FTM guy as a main character. (technically its a seriies of books dealing with the trans community as a whole, but I digress) I don't want to misrepresent

SOOOOO big favor. I need your help. I'm asking you guys to send me your stories over PM and maybe even posting some things on here every so often. My first one, which is a pretty wide topic is

Explain how it feels to be dysphoric.

Why that one?
Since I've never gone through something so complex as transitioning, I don't know how it feels. I'm not in your shoes. I won't ever be, BUT that doesn't mean I can't give you all a voice through my works.

It seems a little sad that I can't find much writing about being trans out there. I don't like it. Imma change it!

so please help? Again, if you dont mind, PM me your stories and post here about dysphoria for now.

[sneakersjay]

It's not so much different from women who obsess over how they hate the bump on their nose, or those who think their thighs are too fat, or like anorexics who always think they're too fat even when they're thin.  But rather than just it being a particular part that you don't like, it's the constant 'my body is wrong' harping on you all the time.  For some their chest is worst; having lumps where they should have pecs; for others it's that nasty period and the anger and getting physically ill when it shows up, it's being called ma'am and the label doesn't fit, it's knowing you're male but the world sees and treats you like you're female.


Jay

[Jamie-o]

There was a really great thread about this a couple months ago.  Now if I could just remember where it was, I'd provide a link.

[kisschittybangbang]

see I know what dysphoria is and WHY but I want descriptions! You know? I mean I've witnessed it and I know its different for everyone, but Its like wow. I'm just an outsider bystander. you know?

[Teknoir]

(Keep in mind I only speak for myself, it is different for everyone).

Rage. Isolation. Frustration. Disgust.

There are the sort of strong emotions one can face when coming to terms with it all.

Rage at the ability of one's own body to refuse to progress along a path you will it to. Rage at society for not taking you seriously, for demanding you are something you are not, for expecting you to be something you cannot be.

Isolation from your peer groups. Men don't see them as one of you - you are constantly excluded. Women expect you to be one of them, but no matter how much you try you cannot feel the part - and for this you are viewed as a failure of a person.

After a time, you feel like you are alone, on the edges of society unable to find a place to be yourself. While you may find solace with other people of your kind, you are always aware that society as a whole thinks you are a mistake of nature, immoral (for a reason you cannot fathom) freak that should be irradicated.

Frustration at the misunderstandings of others, the restrictions of society and again, at one's own physical form.

But the inverse is also true - we get to feel great hope, joy and freedom the likes of which are difficult to describe.

Knowing you don't have to live your life as something you are not. Knowing you can shape your own future. Working towards it. The kinship with your situational brothers.

Nothing can compare to the freedom that can only come with living outside the bounds of society (even if you've gone stealth, you've still lived through it), and having the guts to challenge the restrictions it can impose. You get to see just how pointless and arbitrary those boundries really are. "Normal" becomes a laughable narrow hoax that NOBODY EVER fits into, but they sure do a fine job deluding and repressing themselves.

We look inside and face the void. We ask the hard questions. Some of us don't make it through, those of us that do come back self assured, strong, grounded, and with an unbreakable resolve.


How's that?

[Radar]

Rage at the ability of one's own body to refuse to progress along a path you will it to. Rage at society for not taking you seriously, for demanding you are something you are not, for expecting you to be something you cannot be.

Isolation from your peer groups. Men don't see them as one of you - you are constantly excluded. Women expect you to be one of them, but no matter how much you try you cannot feel the part - and for this you are viewed as a failure of a person.

What he said.

There are many times I don't even feel human.

[michael]

it's gonna take some thinking stuff out at home but i can try and help, i'll post back or pm you next week?

[Dominic]

Explain how it feels to be dysphoric.

Okay, I know that I'm not often the most articulate person in the world, but here goes:

For me, dysphoria started with embarassment. Mixed in with shame and disgust, but the embarassment was big.

Breasts started growing and people started noticing - mostly my mother, who immediately took me out shopping for a bra, which was quite possibly the most mortifying thing ever. I was often ashamed enough about my chest to wear baggy sweatshirts during the summer.

Eventually, the embarassment grew into hatred. I hated my chest. I would fantasize vividly about puncturing the lumps with a knife and letting whatever was inside drain out. (I had thought that they were like fleshy balloons full of milk or something...after I learned otherwise the fantasy changed slightly to account for that - a large syringe to suck out the fatty tissue replaced the knife.)(side note: I entertained these thoughts almost constantly from age 11 to 14, and after that they only occasionally struck. An understanding of the top surgery procedures existed helped ease my mind.)

Dysphoria feels like wishing for breast cancer, because even if you know that's a terrible thing, at least then they would remove the damn things.

Dysphoria is when the teachers tell you all about the "wonders" of puberty, and you feel in your gut that these things will not happen to you. You believe it as absolute, capital-t Truth. When it happens anyway you feel sick and disgusted and betrayed. And confused, because there's something happening to you that you know shouldn't be, and therefore can't be.

This has gone on for a bit longer than I expected...I hope it helps you though.

EDIT:

Sorry, just remembered something else - the anger and mental turmoil of knowing that something is wrong, but not being able to figure out just what.

Not having a word for dysphoria or an understanding of what is happening and why is the worst part. You're furious at yourself, at everyone else because something is wrong and nobody seems to notice or care. People tell you that you'll get over it, it's just a phase. "Everyone feels that way sometimes." This is just The Way Things Are, and there's nothing you can do to change it.

Having the intrinsic feeling that something is wrong and being told that...that what you feel doesn't matter, that it's normal even though "normal" girls seem to be quite fine with their bodies...it's terrifying and soul-crushingly hopeless all at once.

...okay, I think that's all I have for now...

[Radar]

Breasts started growing and people started noticing - mostly my mother, who immediately took me out shopping for a bra, which was quite possibly the most mortifying thing ever.

My grandmother did that. The memory still bothers me to this day. I didn't start maturing until 13-14- which pretty much every girl I knew started sooner- so I thought I lucked out for awhile. Sadly, not. I too have always been embarrassed about my breast. I don't like wearing clothes that exposes them some and I'd be embarrassed if someone was looking at them. And not that kind of embarrassment.

Reading everyone's experiences makes me feel alot better knowing I'm not the only one. As a teenager we didn't have the internet and people really didn't understand these things as much as they do now, so I had no support. I'm glad the internet's here to help the younger guys not feel as alone.

[kisschittybangbang]

Reading everyone's experiences makes me feel alot better knowing I'm not the only one. As a teenager we didn't have the internet and people really didn't understand these things as much as they do now, so I had no support. I'm glad the internet's here to help the younger guys not feel as alone.

and that right there is WHY i want to write my series. I want the internet to not be the only source out there. and it really seems to be in alot of areas like my own.

@dominick and taknoir:
Thanks sooo much, you both have put it into such perspective for me. Its extremely appreciated on my end and I'd love for you to send me your stories.

PM or email is alright.

kisschittybangbang@gmail.com

[Teknoir]

My story, eh? Which bits? Background or current situation?

Glad to help where I can. We get such a bad rap in the media, anything that can break down the barriers of misunderstanding between us and the "mainstream", I'm all for it.

Well, I'm not all that far in transition. Lack of funding means I'm unable to see a shrink, get T, or legally change my name at the moment (sucky job market). I present as male in public, and I'm out to the few people that will listen (I don't go out of my way to bring it up). People I already know aren't yet using male pronouns towards me, but I'm not going to start correcting them until I'm on T (I figure it's a good time). I use neutral or slightly male references to refer to myself in front of others as both a hint of what the deal is, and so they have a little time to get used to it before I go pronoun nazi.

And some background...

I'm 25, and I'm from Australia. I could be described as a linux nerd with a touch of backyard mechanic thrown in .

I grew up in a major industrial city with very little in the way of alternative people or resources. I had things such as "freak", "move to Sydney" and eggs hurled at me from moving cars pretty much from the age of 12 onwards.

Always knew something was up, just took me a while to figure it out. There was never a time in my life I identified as female - at least internally. I was always the odd one out, no friends until I was 13 - so I hung out with a crowd of machines growing up instead .

Tried to change the name I went by at 14 (to a short, gender neutral version of my first name) but that didn't go well. After 6 months I gave up on it. I didn't know why I felt like doing it at the time, but looking back it's obvious.

When I was 16 or so, I was planning to leave the city when I hit 18 and do the whole SRS deal (I didn't know it didn't quite work like that at the time).

However, this went by the wayside when I met someone at 17, and we moved to Sydney together. I promised I wouldn't seek treatment, and tried to live as a female for 8 years (yeah, big regret). Ended up suicidal, on meds, etc. Gave up on my dreams, lost my self identity. Almost ended up in a padded room towards the end.

Eventually we split on bad terms (was good, but then they went kinda nuts. Split because I couldn't handle living as a female).

And that's where I am today . Broke as hell, lost everything except my cars, my tools, my computers and my fish (they tried to use them as pawns while I was between homes... the lads deserve better than that) - but screw it - I'm happy and for the first time in years, I'm med free and sane .

Sorry if that was a bit long. Feel free to ask any further questions.

[Silver]

It's that nature has played a cruel joke on you and that finally having realized the magnitude of it arouses a lot of anger. Anger, frustration, disgust, angst, all that good stuff. Hitting female puberty is the worst. Falling physically behind. The sudden rush of estrogen clouds your mind and smothers any determination. You are smaller and weaker than feel you should be. You're a handicap.

Most problems can be fixed. If you are ignorant, you can read. If you're to weak or too slow, you can train. But there's nothing you can do about female puberty. Your hips become cumbersome and slow you down (running's never quite as good as it used to be.) Breasts cannot be stopped. And you are weaker. You can train, but you'll always be one step behind.

People don't see you how they should. They don't see you as a man, you're always a little girl. This isn't about sexism, but what man wants to be identified as a little girl? You are not yourself, and every passing day it seems to worsen. Everyday you're not doing something about it. Add to that that nobody will understand. Everybody thinks you're ridiculous if you try to tell them, so you must harbor it. MTFs I'm sure are treated as if they have mental disorders. FTMs are seen as women who need to be put in their place, or having another passing phase (it's common for women to hate being women.) Or simply looked upon as a threat. We're not threats. We just want our gender and then to go along with our daily lives as productively as any other group.

That's about all the angst I have to offer. Good luck with the book.
SilverFang

[milliontoone]

what silverfang said.  for an ftm transexual being on t takes all the pain away that's why there are those with a hetero/ right wing/ fundamentalist viewpont that are extreely determined more of us will not get our hands on vital information that might explain why we feel the way we do, that might opn our eyes.  I spent the best part of 27 years in hell because of lack of information.  I am angry because of the years I spent suffering when I need nothave but ultimately those years will ake me more of a man so I am not too worried.  My biggest concern now is raising trans awareness so that others like me need not suffer for want of information.
Peace and love to you all...