Sometimes I feel cheated

[Nero]

About to go through the name change got me thinking. A fleeting thought crossed my mind, about how happy my dad would be to finally be able to carry on the family name with a son. But of course, it's not to be. I have no children. I will never have any children. When I was a kid, I always assumed I would. Dreamed about having all these sons. But it never hit me how that would have to come about.

In my youth, I was always careful not to get pregnant, but still in the back of my mind I thought I would have offspring. But when I actually thought about it, I knew I could never go through with it. It just really wasn't an option.
Now I realize the family name will die with me (pretty much, it's a pretty rare name. everyone in the country with it is related to me) and I'll have no legacy. No nothing.
And all because the only way really was no way at all. It might as well have been a death sentence. I certainly feared it more than death. And I knew it would kill me. Why did nature burden me with such a horrible dilemma? The only way to reproduce was to murder my soul. Sacrifice my very own soul for my offspring. It was not happening. No sons, no daughters, no legacy. No nothing. For all eternity.

Oh boo hoo, poor me. Yeah, it's ridiculous enough to whine about I suppose. I've long dealt with it. But sometimes it's depresses.

Disclaimer: these are my own regrets and depressions, my own failings and weaknesses - ymmv

[sd]

What of your mothers family name. What of your mothers family name.
It seems men are often extremely concerned about passing on the family name, but women are not supposed to care. Seems a bit sexist if you ask me. And yes, I know the reasons behind this, just trying to show how ridiculous the whole thing is.


Anyhow Nero, even if you had never come out as trans and had kids, odds are the kids would bear the fathers last name. Your fathers family name died when he had all females (the male tends to decide the sex of the child). It's his fault, or his parents. 

[Nero]

Les! You always got to view everything from a feminist perspective but I still love you anyway. 

But yeah, that's just another way I was cheated. I should've been born the first born son not first born daughter. Not that we're in the dark ages or anything, but still...
My instincts were to have a bunch of strong sons and later be this awesome grandfather. Not to die alone and unmourned.

[sd]

I'm no so sure about feminist considering some of my views would get me berated by them. Just trying to show you it from another perspective.

[Natasha]

you have 2 choices:

1. go cry in some corner about 'what could've been'

2.  make the best of your life

so what's gonna be?

[Miniar]

or 3. adopt

[Nero]

I don't think we can adopt, can we? Least doubt it's very likely in the US.
Post Merge: June 07, 2009, 04:10:53 PM
Not having any seed to sow is depressing. And now I'm at the age where it's hitting me I'm never going to have a family. And it's depressing. There aren't any real options. Egg freezing isn't very reliable and has limited shelf life, not to mention the method to get em is pretty horrific.

[sd]

Single parents can adopt, though men have a harder time.
Being trans may make it more difficult.

If you do it privately though, it would probably be much easier.

[Alyx.]

You can still look forward to being an awesome uncle though, right?

And you could adopt a son! Raise him in all the ways of manhood.

[Alyssa M.]

you have 2 choices:

1. go cry in some corner about 'what could've been'

2.  make the best of your life

so what's gonna be?

It seems to me that option 1 is often a prerequisite for option 2.

Nero, I completely understand your frustration and sense of loss. It's something that everybody who for whatever reason can't have biological children feels at some point or another. You are now facing that loss, and it's hard, one of the many hard things in transition. It's perfectly reasonable to mourn this loss. And then you can move on.

[K8]

you have 2 choices:

1. go cry in some corner about 'what could've been'

2.  make the best of your life

so what's gonna be?

Nero, I completely understand your frustration and sense of loss. It's something that everybody who for whatever reason can't have biological children feels at some point or another. You are now facing that loss, and it's hard, one of the many hard things in transition. It's perfectly reasonable to mourn this loss. And then you can move on.

As we go through life we accumulate regrets.  It's just part of living.  You can wallow in them or you can move on.  Or, as Alyssa says, you can wallow in them a little before moving on but move on regardless.

My father was interested in genealogy.  My mother would discount it, but then she had given up her family name when she married.  And, her mother had been adopted.  The whole thing of the eldest son of the eldest son and all that is cool but so what?

Isn't it odd how these extraneous things whack us?

*hugs* to you Nero.

- Kate

[Janet_Girl]

Adoption would be the best way to go if you truly want a family.  Or settle down with a woman who has small children and adopt them.

I won't be having any more children in my life unless my SO has them or I get to see my grand babies.  I have 10 so far.

Janet

[Mister]

Yes, we can adopt.  My buddy's six weeks away from getting a kid.  I spent all weekend painting, assembling a crib, etc.  It's a long process and he had to disclose his status (it would've come up on a livescan anyway), but it's possible.

[myles]

Adoption is definitely an option . My partner's family name has now only been carried on through adoption. It's funny she and her brother both have kids though adoption and there kids all happen to be Asian so all of a sudden the family name which was Irish is now Asian. They  (she and her brother) were both the last of the clan..
Cheers,
Myles

[Cindy]

Hi Nero
Yes it's one of those things. I fought with it a bit, I'm the only "male" from a long family. As far as testes go the ones that were inflicted on me are sterile. But probably due to trauma. I married and we were unable to "beget" ,love that term ,:laugh:. My sisters in laws are both sterile. So we have three family names dying out. And I'm unable to carry a child .

You can adopt in many ways. Either physically adopting or helping out a family that has struggles. Both will give you children who love you. Maybe not advance the family name but, life is to live and love.

Just thoughts

Cindy

[Sandy]

Many of us have that regret.

I would have joy beyond measure to feel a life growing inside me.  Even more if by some miracle of science or religion it could be from my darling husband, Pat.  There are many women who cannot conceive, I happen to be one of them.  But my desire to be a mother is still there nevertheless.  I deal with it and life goes on.  I have been given so many gifts and blessings in my life, I really can't look too despondently on this one thing that I can never have.

She and I have talked at length about adopting but even though we could if we worked at it hard enough (same sex parenting is almost mainstream stuff now) we both feel that it would not be in the child's best interest considering we would be well into our seventies when our child would graduate from high school.  We both feel that it would be selfish of us to do that.

So we dote on our granddaughters.  The oldest, at four, has spent most of her life with so many grandmas but few grandpas, and she doesn't seem to miss it one bit.  Also she sees the two of us loving each other openly and without embarrassment and thinks that is the way of the world.

I don't know what part of the world you hail from, Nero.  So I don't know what would be involved with adoption, it may be difficult.  And no, you can never pass along your DNA once you have your hysto and you won't get any testes to make up for that.  But is THAT what is important?  Your name, beliefs, and memories can be passed down to a child (or children!) who would otherwise have no background.

What greater gift can you give the world than that?

-Sandy

[DarkLady]

Personally I am just happy that noboby gets my genes. (In case they really matter very much.)
Before writing the second recomendation towards SRS the therapist informed that I can never get biological children after the operation. (Perhaps I looked so stupid.)