Today, I was at work, and looking out into the mall and all the girls going about their business in their summer clothes, and it hit me like never before. I started feeling really depressed, upset about the differences between my body and theirs, and the different kind of life experience they've had just by being women.
Even though I've identified as transgendered for years, it's always been sort of a nagging feeling, I'd even go as far as to say it was probably a way to get some attention in high school, this was the first time where I just... realized that my life as a male isn't going towards anything I'd ever consider to be good, and that being so afraid of telling anybody is really holding me back. It's like my whole life, and my whole identity have been built specifically to keep a secret, and the only thing I have to lose from revealing it is that same fake identity. Yet, my rational knowledge of the situation doesn't transfer into action. But I guess the emotional factor confuses things.... my rational thoughts are an attempt for my rational brain to deal with my emotional brain's need to be something other than what is physically true, and I think I have another part of my rational brain telling me that people aren't going to be happy with who I am, and that... that sucks. I might not like my parents, but I'm pretty sure they're providing for me in a lot of ways and I think I'd feel bad if I basically crushed their dreams of a successful son and grandkids. I can't even imagine my grandparents finding out, that'd be the absolute worst. Then there's my friends, I'm like... throwing them into "accepting" "Unaccepting for bigoted reasons" "Unaccepting for trust reasons" and "Could go either way" piles. Stressful as hell.
Today was the first time I can remember being really, really upset about my gender. As a little kid it was idle curiosity, as a pre-teen it was imagination, as a teen it was a reason to be angsty, and now it's like... pow. This sucks.
That's my little rant I guess.
