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Did it ever just hit you?

Started by Jester, June 04, 2009, 08:03:30 PM

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Jester

Today, I was at work, and looking out into the mall and all the girls going about their business in their summer clothes, and it hit me like never before.  I started feeling really depressed, upset about the differences between my body and theirs, and the different kind of life experience they've had just by being women.

Even though I've identified as transgendered for years, it's always been sort of a nagging feeling, I'd even go as far as to say it was probably a way to get some attention in high school, this was the first time where I just... realized that my life as a male isn't going towards anything I'd ever consider to be good, and that being so afraid of telling anybody is really holding me back.  It's like my whole life, and my whole identity have been built specifically to keep a secret, and the only thing I have to lose from revealing it is that same fake identity.  Yet, my rational knowledge of the situation doesn't transfer into action.  But I guess the emotional factor confuses things.... my rational thoughts are an attempt for my rational brain to deal with my emotional brain's need to be something other than what is physically true, and I think I have another part of my rational brain telling me that people aren't going to be happy with who I am, and that... that sucks.  I might not like my parents, but I'm pretty sure they're providing for me in a lot of ways and I think I'd feel bad if I basically crushed their dreams of a successful son and grandkids.  I can't even imagine my grandparents finding out, that'd be the absolute worst.  Then there's my friends, I'm like... throwing them into "accepting" "Unaccepting for bigoted reasons" "Unaccepting for trust reasons" and "Could go either way" piles.  Stressful as hell.

Today was the first time I can remember being really, really upset about my gender.  As a little kid it was idle curiosity, as a pre-teen it was imagination, as a teen it was a reason to be angsty, and now it's like... pow.  This sucks.

That's my little rant I guess.
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Nero

Quote[...]my life as a male isn't going towards anything I'd ever consider to be good[...]

Hi Jester.

This really stands out at me. This was one huge factor in my decision to transition. When I looked at my future as a woman, I saw only a dead end.
When I looked at it as a man, I saw an open road.
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.
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nathan

Quote from: Nero on June 04, 2009, 08:13:48 PMWhen I looked at it as a man, I saw an open road.

Yep. Well, except opposite. :)  I've been lucky in that I've got a twin brother (who is married to a wonderful woman) to dole out grandkids.  Not as much guilt there, i suppose.
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Jester

I have a brother.  Nobody expects very much from him.
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sd

I'm not sure what to say, except welcome to the club. :icon_hug:
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chrysalis

Hi. I really feel for you. I honestly have felt the same way about a lot of things you've posted and as I'm sure you know from living with it all these years, those feelings pass. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and even better there is a way out.

The way out isn't easy or always fun. in fact you can lose friends and it's often pretty scary but you feel a lot better each step you take. I'd encourage you to keep exploring your feelings and what it is you want out of life. You're taking a lot of courageous steps right now. Sometimes it takes people their whole life to get where you are, so treasure that.

I know you can make it through this, you seem like a strong person. Know that Susan's, and the T community in general will always be here for you. You are not alone.
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Eva Marie

Yes, definitely. Even more so lately. I might even have to trade in my androgyne card for a different one :o

I've also got a tendency to engage in certain self destructive behaviors and recently I just linked those tendencies together with my GID. Now I know why i do that stuff, and hopefully it'll be easier to control it going forward.

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xsocialworker

Wear a skirt to work and if they threaten you, sue them under Hopkins v. Price Waterhouse.  Of course , you need a plan to be unemployed if that happens that you lose (and to deal with your family.) You need to decide if it's worth it. You could get legal advice first. Why daydream when you can sue the whole pack. Or just take a vacation to another city and try to live as the type of girl you want to be and see if it works. then you can begin to plan on how and where to transition based on your feelings. Without knowing what you look like now, nor where you live (local laws and attitudes), it is hard to say more

I had the same feelings and I finally acted on them. I think I waited to long. Fortunately I live in a state and climate where older women(GG's) can dress younger than their age and nobody cares. It's a tropical and superficial culture. A 60 something woman in a sundress with an unnatural tan is real common. So is the Emmy Lou Harris look. If you really want this , don't wait until you are Fifty.
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Feever

Jester, I have been feeling like that a lot lately.  It seems to be getting worse too.
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PinkSunshine

Jester, it is perfectly healthy to feel that way. After all, you are who you are! Your parents love you because they gave birth to you. If they care for you, it doesn't matter what 'dream' they might have had. Parents have a funny way of supporting you whatever path you may choose. Having said that, it is not an easy thing to deal with! Neither is watching all those girls in the mall. Trust me, I know! The important thing to keep in mind is that you have to be yourself. It is ok to be selfless, but there does come a time when you have to start taking care of yourself. You will feel much better, be more confident, and be less stressed when you do! Also, keep in mind that you don't have to rush into anything. Take your time, get a feel for what your family and friends might think. If you can, you can probe them with questions like "did you hear about the new gay marriage bill they just passed?" Leave it at that, and most people will tell you what they think.

Oh and remember, the rest of us are here to help! Group hug!  :)
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stacyB

Until this year I thought transitioning was an impossibility, a dream that only others could pursue. Then it hit me... that moment when all the reasons I accumulated in my head hadnt changed, they just no longer seemed to matter. I realized that my life as male was a dead end, and that living as the woman was the only option left to find peace.

Ive started coming out to people, but I havent tackled the really big hurdles yet... work (including my business partner), my family and friends.. most of all my teenage son. I also come from a strict religous background, and although I no longer feel confined by that I will be heading headlong into the storm when I tell them...

Quote from: JesterToday was the first time I can remember being really, really upset about my gender. 
...
and now it's like... pow.  This sucks.

I dont know that its so much that I am upset at my birth gender as I am finally at peace with my decision to correct my birth defect. I twisted over this for so long, but now the need outweighs the fear. Each step Ive taken just seems so right... Ive never felt so sure about where I need to go. I have no idea the people in my life will react... the only thing I can say is they know something is wrong for me the way I have been.

Yeah, its scary. Its hard... but if its right, you will know. Dont ask me how. You just will know. And you will find comfort there to handle whatever comes next. I can tell you one thing... everyone Ive told so far has been nothing but supportive. And instinctively I have this feeling that at least some my friends and family... will not cast me aside. The only person who really matters to me though... my son... Im afraid I will lose him. At least for a while...  :-\

I only hope some day... one day... he will understand why I had to do this....
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Melissa Ryan

Told ya so Stacy <pokes tongue out>
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Lacey Lynne

Hi, Jester,

The bad news is that you are experiencing the classic transsexual conundrum.  Everybody here at Susan's Place has experienced the same thing in their own way and in their own time.  Welcome to the club.

The good news is that you are deciding to do something about it while you are still rather young.  The better news is that society is much more accepting of our dilemma now than it was say in the 1970s ... Believe me, society IS much more accepting now.  The best news is that modern medicine makes an excellent transition altogether possible and downright realistic nowadays.  This was not so true even 10-15 years ago.

Jester, you've got all of these things working for you in your favor.  Also, support groups like this website, Susan's Place, are TREMENDOUS helps to people like us.  My personal opinion is that Susan's Place is the very best, bar none, of such websites.  We welcome you with open arms, Hon.

If you want to know something, just ask somebody here.  They WILL help you.  Want to just vent?  Do it!  Nobody will get down on you. 

You can and will work out your gender dysphoria and what to do about it.  Just believe that you can ... and hang in there and make it happen.

Best of luck to you!  Hugs!    :)
Believe.  Persist.  Arrive.    :D



Julie Vu (Princess Joules) Rocks!  "Hi, Sunshine Sparkle Faces!" she says!
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