Who am I?

[Lara]

After having not such a great weekend, I have finally recovered my senses. I was depressed, I was angry. And above all, I was asking myself: "Who am I?" This simple question tore into me and made me unsure of myself and my actions.

By now you are probably asking: "Who are you? No really, we don't know you!" Well, I am Lara. I'm a 28 year old transsexual at the beginning of transition. I have been on HRT now for about 2 and a half months now, and have seen quite a few changes. My journey here is long, and I'm sure quite boring for most, so I'll skip it, as most reading this have an idea what it's like to get to this point.

The question at hand here is asking myself who I am. I don't know what caused it, but one day I woke up and hated myself. I hated everything that I was doing. I cried for such a long time. And of course the room-mate asks the obvious "what's wrong?" Well if I knew that, I wouldn't be crying now, would I? I eventually pulled myself back up and went on with life, but I never got an answer.

As these things go, the solution came at the weirdest time, in the weirdest place: the bathroom. (no need for details) As I was sitting there, it came to me! I don't want to be a transsexual. This whole time I've been fighting a new battle, one where I tell myself that I am a transsexual, and need to be comfortable with that. I have never been comfortable with that. I blamed my childhood, growing up with hateful racist/sexist parents. I had always concluded that all these negative feelings came from the years of dealing with them. But in that room where the best thoughts happened I realized that it's not my parents fault.

I want to be a woman.

That seems so obvious, you say. That's the point of transition, you say. I agree, transition is the path that will lead me to the ultimate goal. But as I travel the path, I don't need to be a stereotype. I don't want to play a role. I want to be me. People ask me if I'm full time. I ask, how can you not live full time? Whether people see me as male or female, I am me. The point of transition is to get me to where people see me as female, not as transsexual.

That is who I am.

Thanks for listening to me

[coolJ]

Hi Lara, I had my awakening in august 2008. Its funny the first couple of weeks I felt so free and at peace and then bam I realized Im in BIG trouble! All of the sudden I couldnt be physically a man anymore. Only 1 problem wife and young children. So Im stuck in transexxual mode right now. Im just trying to survive each day for my families sake and not go insane. So if you dont have any ties like me than I hope you reach the full extent of what I think is every girls dream and thats to be herself 100% with no faking! I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

[Kyla]

I believe we all go through stages were we question who we really are. I have a feeling it's society placing gender roles on us, and unfortunately we don't fit into those. In the puzzle of life we are those odd shaped figures that just don't seem to fit anywhere.

Society says that when we are born we should conform to the gender we are assigned, that we should live, act, and react as that gender would. We then put on a facade, we pretend to be this male that society has neatly constructed for us. When you accept that you are not the correct gender, the wall begins to come down. Perhaps you have not fully torn down that wall, but I can't really say for sure - only you know.

It's difficult to accept yourself in a country that is not ready for people who are born in the wrong body.

Just my .02 cents

[finewine]

Lara you are quite right - you are always you, irrespective of what label you may transiently get tagged with.

A caterpillar goes through a transition too.  It breaks out of the chrysalis as a butterfly.  The label that gets attached to the "chrysalis" of transition for people is "transsexual".   You are still always you...and one day you'll emerge, spread your wings and fly.

I wish you well on your journey.

[Nero]

Lara you are quite right - you are always you, irrespective of what label you may transiently get tagged with.

A caterpillar goes through a transition too.  It breaks out of the chrysalis as a butterfly.  The label that gets attached to the "chrysalis" of transition for people is "transsexual".   You are still always you...and one day you'll emerge, spread your wings and fly.

I wish you well on your journey.

that's beautiful. 

[Janet_Girl]

Lara, Hon.  You said something that is the whole bottom line.

I want to be a woman.

My reply to that is "You are a woman" regardless of the body.  And that is you.  One day at a time is the only way to become happy with you, One day at a time.

Blessed Be,
Janet

[K8]

Lara,
We all go through trying to figure out who and what we are.  Those of us not comfortable with our assigned gender go through more of it.

I've only been on hormones 9 weeks and full time 7 weeks.  I had thought I would always be transsexual, and in a way I always will be.  But now I am getting glimmers that some day I will think of myself mainly as a woman.  I yearn for that day, but I'm not there yet.  It's a slow process.

Be patient with yourself.  Life is a journey of self-discovery.  The road is long but the journey can be wonderful.

*hugs*
Kate

[Suzy]

I want to be a woman.

Hi, Lara, and welcome to Susan's!

I find people saying this all the time.  I honestly don't think it is a choice.  You either are or you are not.  You only get to choose how you will present, and that only to some degree.  Find the presentation that matches who you are on the inside, and you will find peace.  I know that sounds overly simple, listen to the stories here and I think you will find it rings true.

Thanks for a wonderful first post.

Kristi

[Sandra Ts]

Hi Lara I'm nearly the same
Wou are what you are.

if you want we can talk about it.

Sandra Ts