My name's Jack, I'm 19 and I live in Florida. I was born a girl but I'm struggling to get to be a boy.
At a very young age I remember insisting I was a boy, and sometimes I'd take baths with my friends or cousins (male or female, didn't matter at that age) and I'd see the boys had something I didn't.
I remember asking a few times when my penis would "grow in", and when I was told I wouldn't be getting one I cried.
My mother always insisted that I keep my hair long, I never got a haircut till I was four or five. It was such a pain in the ass to get it brushed because until that point it was down past my butt. When I was six my mom finally let me get my hair cut short "like a boy's". She immediately got my ears pierced however, she said it was "embarrassing" for her to have me looking like a boy so she wanted people to be able to tell I was a girl by looking at my ears.
Little background on my mother, she comes from Peru and she's Catholic. Those of you not familiar with Hispanic culture, well they take Christian devotion to a whole new level compared to most Americans. So she's never thrilled about anyone being gay, much less trans. She claims to tolerate them, but never without asking lots and lots of really embarrassing and mean-sounding questions.
So when I was in sixth I figured out I was "bi", I really liked this girl in eighth grade who was a lesbian, she was beautiful and I had my "first kiss" with her, but she said she was "polyamorous" so I did not pursue any actual relationship with her because I like the idea of exclusivity/monogamy.
When I was fourteen I had my first real girlfriend, needless to say my mother did not approve. She made sure the experience was miserable, and sometimes flat-out refused to acknowledge it was a "lesbian" relationship and that we were just "really obsessed friends". To this day she refuses to believe I am not a straight girl, and she used to make it a daily routine to make sure I was straight (by asking "You are straight, right?")
Well now that I am an adult I want to express myself as a male in public, and sometimes I wear binders, but only if my clothes are loose enough that my mother cannot tell I am flattening my chest (I am rather large chested, any advice from fellow FTMs is appreciated on that; I use one of those "old-lady corsets" to bind)
It's been nearly impossible to fully come out. My father is pretty supportive and has always allowed and encouraged me (even as a small child) to express myself as male, and I have a nine year old brother who would be happy to have me as an older brother since we have no other siblings.
I have a fear of coming out to the rest of my family, though, the idea of fully transitioning scares me and I'm afraid I will never be able to see them again if and when I do.
So, any intros to other people, advice, etc is totally welcome! How y'all doin?
