Seems like I'm at a dead end in someway or another...

[Icephoenyx]

Recently I have been having a hard time. I don't want this to be another 'woe is me' rant but I would like to get your opinions/comments on my specific situation.

This time of year is sometimes hard for me. I am in university until April then I get 4 months off for summer, except for the fact that I am taking a spring class two nights a week to keep me busy and get me ahead. However, I spend most of my time at home with nothing to do, mainly because I am not swamped in a full semester of classes. So, I have alot of time to think about where I am in life.

I also work part time in a grocery store where I deal with bitchy coworkers and customers all day, and I have been unable to find a good student opportunity so far.

I also had to put one of my dogs to sleep this afternoon because he basically caved after 13 years of having him. My mom found one of my $40 eyeshadow compacts which I really liked and threw it out for the sole reason to spite me in her disapproval.

I am also having trouble with my friends. I have some really great supportive people in my life but often feel like we have nothing in common, and it is therefore hard to open up to new people as well. Being with my friends usually causes more stress than good. In my night class, I am really bonding with this guy, but he is straight as an arrow and since I am pre-RLT, I will probably never see him again and he will never think of me and that will be another opportunity that has passed right by me because of my TG.

As I have posted before, my province has recently delisted SRS from its healthcare plan, which has really changed my outlook on life and society in general.

I often feel like I will always have some form of these problems, even when I transition further along. As an MtF in this world, it seems like I am almost destined to be struggling with money, work, relationships, friends/family, lonliness/boredom because I am a TG individual. Maybe its a phase, but it has been happening alot more lately. I just can't wait until I graduate next April and I can get on with the life I want, but I'm scared it might be for nothing. The sitting and waiting is really getting to me.

Thanks for listening,

Chrissi

[Nicky]

You pointed out that this time of year is sometimes hard on you and I can see why - lots of idle time, crappy job, more contact with people you would rather not have too much contact with for sanity reasons. When you are down it is harder to connect with people.

It sounds like this is the time to really nurture yourself. Take time to exercise (great mood lifter), work at connecting with other people, endulge yourself, do things you enjoy. If you have too much time on your hands consider volunteer work (also looks brilliant on your CV). Be realistic about opportunities. That guy does not sound like an opportunity for a date, but he could be a good opportunity for a friend. Sometimes having a plan can be really helpful. It is good to honestly think about where you are in life and where you would like to be. Look at the steps you need to make and then concentrate on the small inbetween steps.

I hope things improve for you.

[Kara]

I'm taking summer classes this year and it's awesome. I don't know if I'll be able to do it next year and I'm dreading what will happen when that comes around.

What I've found that works (for me) is that when my friends stress me out on a regular basis, then those aren't friends I want to have. When my parents do something that causes me a lot of grief, I explain the situation to them and how it made me feel. Usually, in my family, it changes nothing...and when no change comes then at least I know I have given them a chance to try and relate to me and if they are unable to do so, then they are people I don't want to be around. I'm in kind of a bind because it's hard to avoid them.

As far as jobs go....it's a little hard to find a job that I really like. I'm really picky. Fortunately for me, I've started up my own business and use that as a source of income during the fall/spring. If you want a really good job, you've got to make a full court press of it. Is there anyone who needs houses painted? What about summer employment at the school? There are a ton of positions that are filled by student labor at my university. Also, you could be an RA or RD if you lived on campus. I'm thinking about that as well. Just imagine for a moment that you could get every single job that's out there and apply for them all. That usually works for me.

I'm currently broke...and have always been broke...but I don't expect that will continue forever. I'm pretty confident that I can turn it around if I want to. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, to this point, my own life has been like a series of small little disasters but I still try to think that good things can come if I work hard enough at it. Keeping friends that stress you out and keeping a job that only leaves you broke doesn't really seem like trying to me.

Sorry to be a little harsh, but that's how I see things. 

[Icephoenyx]

Well Kara, I did say (or at least implied) in my post that I am looking for other work, and I have had some interviews and stuff, but just no luck yet.

Also, it's not really that I intentionally let people stress me out. Like I said, they are good people, I just feel like I am too different to create/maintain anything out of it. I'm definitely going to look into the volunteering thing, although you may have to be careful expressing who you really are (TG), just like in a paid job situation. I try to talk to my friends, but for the most part, they don't know how to handle it and/or they have enough of their own problems to worry about.

It's a complicated situation. Maybe just a series of unfortunate events....

[Cindy]

Hi Honey

I know it's difficult to look at the positives all the time. I left the UK to come to Australia when I was 23 hoping that life would change. It did.
Something I have learned along the way. Plan. OK sounds silly, but now write down where you want to be with EVERY aspect of your life in 1 yr, 2 yrs, 5 yrs etc. Don't worry about how you are going to get there. Just write down where you are going to be.

Then start to pencil in ideas of how. OK difficult but easier than drifting. You are obviously are intelligent; use it to your advantage. Keep your plan up to date. Review it, think how to proceed. Include what jobs will pay for your needs. How much money you will need. What support you will need. By planning you can get a road map to support you.

Two little things. Your Mum throwing your eyeshadow out. Go throw one of hers. If she asks where it is say, I don't know but one of mine is missing also.

If your friend is totally straight he probably doesn't even realise you are trying to build a relationship. Be VERY careful. Even if he is a nice guy, sometimes they can explode when they realise what is going on.


Good Luck.

The only dead end is when the soil hits the coffin. There is always a way forward.

Love
Cindy

[Kara]

Well Kara, I did say (or at least implied) in my post that I am looking for other work, and I have had some interviews and stuff, but just no luck yet.

Also, it's not really that I intentionally let people stress me out. Like I said, they are good people, I just feel like I am too different to create/maintain anything out of it. I'm definitely going to look into the volunteering thing, although you may have to be careful expressing who you really are (TG), just like in a paid job situation. I try to talk to my friends, but for the most part, they don't know how to handle it and/or they have enough of their own problems to worry about.

It's a complicated situation. Maybe just a series of unfortunate events....

It doesn't really sound that complicated to me. Just tell them up front what you are. If that disqualifies from you from employment, how would it be any different if you decided to advance your transition? I guess you'd have to find an open-minded employer (ie, the university) who can help you with stuff.

The impression I get is that you are blaming your transition for your difficulties in life. So what does that mean? Are you gonna stop transitioning and go back to the way it was? Or do you wanna continue forward? Or would you rather be stuck in this halfway place you are vacillating from trying to live a normal life while also trying to get the thing you want most in this world (ie, transition).

I think the best of way of handling it is just to shout to the world you're a trans and you don't care what they think about it. If your friends really are your friends, they won't abandon you after you say that. If your employer doesn't discriminate, then he will stick with you.

I remember hearing someone say that having a transition is like having an elephant in the room. You can't just ignore it because it gets in the way of so much stuff. Instead, you've got to make it work to your own advantage or don't do it. That's what I think anyhow. 

[Eva Marie]

Your Mum throwing your eyeshadow out. Go throw one of hers. If she asks where it is say, I don't know but one of mine is missing also.

Diabolical!   

[Icephoenyx]

I definitely have to move forward (when I can), but I don't think I should advertise the fact that I'm trans.

All ready I'm feeling a bit better, maybe it was just a bad few days. I hope that I will be able to look into things more positively as I get further into transition...

[Teknoir]

I definitely have to move forward (when I can), but I don't think I should advertise the fact that I'm trans.

No, you don't have to advertise the fact that you are trans. At the same time, you shouldn't have to hide it either.

I think the only way to be happy, is to just be yourself. If they choose to ask questions, then fine. But if they aren't asking, then you aren't obliged to tell them anything.