Suddenly Bigendered???

[Mathaino]

I was born male and lived as a cisgendered heterosexual male all my life (I'm in my forties). This year I found out that I had been severely repressing part of my core person. When the repression mechanism let go in February, the result was the emergence of an alternate personality. This personality is a heterosexual woman. When in this personality, I retain all memories of events (so its not DID). However, there are dissociative like characteristics. For example, in the female personality I lose all memory of what it felt like (emotionally speaking) to be male. When I am in the female mode, it is exactly as if I was this woman all my life. The difference in the emotional textures and configuration of personality is so vividly different that I experience myself as a different person, even though the memories of events can be shared. Although there is a framework of continuity between the male and female personalities (e.g. memories of events, common interests), each also has different interests and different aptitudes regarding common interests. For example, the woman has a different style of composing music and relates to words differently. The emotional self I experience in the female personality has much more complicated emotional textures. The nuances and subtleties of emotion I can feel in the feminine personality makes my male self seem emotionally retarded by comparison. The woman has very different interests in terms of relating to people (not just sexually) and to things like taking care of the house. The male likes to play chess, the woman does not, etc.

When I am in the female personality, I have surprisingly intense GID issues. The male personality has no concerns about its status except to be agitated at the possibility of the woman going out and getting a boyfriend. If the female personality were to become the new baseline of my overall personality I would have a very straightforward GID problem with a need to transition. This has not happened. The male personality, which has had a happy existence, does not appear to be going anywhere. Although I have spoken to a couple of therapists, this whole experience is more confusing / disturbing than not. I first interpreted this experience as something was leading to some kind of transsexual result. It was a relief, to the extent that transition is such a massive chore, to discover that the term bigendered seem to describe me better. I learned about the term bigendered on this forum just a few hours before this post.

The two personalities currently exist in a state of conflict. This is the most difficult thing to deal with at this time. I do not yet know how this will all work out. Although this experience is something that I never expected, it did not come out of a vacuum. There is a lot of information from my life that I can now interpret differently in light of this experience.

I have been learning a lot about transition and other states of expressing gender that do not conform to social norms. I have been very amazed and inspired by the courage and the nobility of will that is expressed by all who choose to be their best even when it flies in the face of society's conventions. Your examples have given me the inspiration to face this experience with the hope that it will be a process of growth and that I will become a better human being as a result.

Has anyone else had a similar experience, especially regarding the emergence of a bigendered state after a long period of repression / dissociation?

[Autumn]

It sounds like a type of multiple personality disorder. Not to be a brushoff, but since as you said you were repressing things so heavily, you've gone through some extensive trauma. It's probably worth speaking to a therapist who is familiar with both gender and MPD issues - however part of the vetting for being a transsexual is ruling out the latter.

[Nero]

I think the other 'personality' is your way of coping with either being transsexual or androgyne. I mean, as gender varient people, we often wear an artificial personality before coming out.

[avmorgan]

I have had episodes in my life that sound similar to this. I started out life identifying as female and was pressured into adopting a masculine identity with threats of rejection and abandonment. In order to fit in and survive after my adoption at the age of five, I reinvented myself as a boy, identified as male, and repressed my feminine identity and characteristics. This took a great deal of mental effort, and there were times when I would snap out of it in times of stress or exhaustion, or later in life as a result of a psychotic break or nervous breakdown, and revert to my female personality. Unconsciously, I knew I saw myself as a girl and that I was desperate to be female in body, but the fear of rejection and abandonment compelled me to do everything in my power to be the person I was expected to be. Since my real personality persisted in spite of everything, I eventually became bi-cognate; I operated with two primary identities working in tandem to cope with the stresses of life. I had succeeded in becoming someone else, but I could not stop being me or the whole thing fell apart. I fell apart.

I think I might be able to function as a man or a woman, assuming I had the ability to change back and forth, because there are parts of me that only come out in him that I fell would be worth holding onto even it if made me ambisexual. Unfortunately, that kind of magic seems to be scarce in this world, so I have to be honest with myself; my true identity is female. His identity is an extension of mine. Without me, he simply doesn't exist. I know this because every time I've fallen apart, I've been the only thing left to pick up the pieces. Not a fun way to find out who I really am!

[Mathaino]

Autumn wrote: "It sounds like a type of multiple personality disorder. Not to be a brushoff, but since as you said you were repressing things so heavily, you've gone through some extensive trauma. It's probably worth speaking to a therapist who is familiar with both gender and MPD issues"

Already done. I do not fit the diagnostic criteria for MPD (DID), but it sure does seem like it at times.



Nero wrote: "I think the other 'personality' is your way of coping with either being transsexual or androgyne. I mean, as gender varient people, we often wear an artificial personality before coming out."

I do get the impression that, as I adjust to this, the psychological dynamics will change but do not know in what way.



Avmorgan wrote: "so I have to be honest with myself; my true identity is female. His identity is an extension of mine."

I think this type of insight is important for me. I cannot afford to look at the new personality as separate from me, but it is just part of me.

[avmorgan]

It is always a challenge when you start taking a serious look at who you are. As far as we know, we don't get a say in what we are, and a lot of things go into determining who we are. I could not choose to be a man in spite of the difference it would have made; it would have made my life so much less painful and complicated, but then I would not be me. For most people, being a man or a woman is a package deal; it is both who and what you are. For some of us, we can find that our true selves are more than that. As I said, I could deal with being both, but while that is not an option, I had to make a choice about which part of myself I could survive losing. It gives me one neat advantage, I would be fine with being an adrogyne--as long as I can find a situation in which I can be a functional part of society and support myself.