I just don't know how to cope

[scarboroughfair]

I sure hate coming off like a habitual winer, but I really just don't know how to cope with these feelings anymore.
I'm on my third week being alcohol free, but it sucks because it drinking on the weekend was my only release.

But the reason I'm really making an effort to stop drinking (Even though it was only one night a week) is because my behaviour has been getting riskier! And I get too wierd when I drink! (That explains some of my strange forum threads here, which by the way I apologize)

By risky behaviour I mean stuff like the last time I drank, I went out for a two hour walk fully dressed as myself and not being totally passable. I even wound up at a straight bar! I got caught using the ladies room and was told to use the men's room. I had to leave at that point. They were not mean about it, but it still tore my heart out...

I started walking back home, and the minute I walked out of the bar I started screaming at the top of my lungs for a few minutes as I walked away from the bar! I was silent again and just kept walking when suddenly some guys shouted something at me as they drove by, I shouted back! Just as I shouted back a cop car happened to be cruising by and got out and stopped me. I told him what happened and HIS only response was "Well look at how your dressed!"

Well he let me go and I continued to walk to the store for more beer, I enter the store and three guys approached me. I swear to you I was ready to throw down at this point! I balled my fist up inside my jean jacket pockets just ready to start swinging when one of the guys said "Here, you dropped your wallet".
That got me to thinking not everyoneis bad.

But anyways, when I drink I'm just to footloose and fancy free! I do what I want, regardless of the consequences! It started to scare me.

So now I can't drink, so tonight I sit here and realize I will never jhave a guy that accepts me for me. As that reality sets in, my heart is forever tortured. I really don't know what to do anymore. I have to wait a while to get counseling because of money issues. But this feeling of rejection has got me pretty low. I just wish all of this would go away! I don't want to end up a statistic! I'm better than that!

Something else I've noticed, I here guys making a nice comment about their wife or what a good cook there girlfriend is, or I'll hear them say sweet things to their girls when they're on the phone. I always wish it was me they was saying those nice things about! My god, am I losing my mind?!

I'm sorry for my strange threads I posted in the past, that was when I was drinking.

What do other girls here do to cope? When these feelings are so strong and overwhelming with no where to run or hide, no one to talk to, how do you girls do it?

Maybe I'm not a girl, maybe I truly am mentally ill or just a fruitcake.

[lauren3332]

you just have to realize that you are a good person and that one day someone will accept you for the woman you claim to be.  Drinking isn't really going to help that much.  You just need to take it one step at a time.  I use things that I like to do as a coping mechanism for this.  hang in there, hugs.   

[Renate]

Hi SF:

I don't think eating your heart out over not having a boyfriend is the right thing to do now.
I think that you have to get happy, stable and confident with yourself first.
As far as drinking goes, if it lets something loose in you, you probably shouldn't be doing it.
Besides, think of all those calories!

[Kara]

I wish I could predict the future. But I can't....so I'm not about to say that I won't have someone in my life, despite the fact that it's been years since I had that.

Going without alcohol is probably for the best. If you need it as a crutch, then it's allowing you not to deal with some of the underlying problems. If I had to guess, I'd say your self-esteem is pretty low right now. But it doesn't have to be.

I always think that past embarassments are just that- past. No one is going to spend a lot of time dwelling on what you did, and they probably have forgotten everything by now. Mistakes can be a cross to bear- except there's no Roman soldier nearby telling you that you have to. It's just you who decides what you dwell on and what you don't.

I would say, given that you're now sober, your life will be better. I'm a big Final Fantasy fan, and one of Kimahri's sayings comes to mind here.

"Only those who try will become."

[Zelane]

Hi SF:

I don't think eating your heart out over not having a boyfriend is the right thing to do now.
I think that you have to get happy, stable and confident with yourself first.

Best response ever.

SF: you do need to get that therapy. You need help.

Accept yourself for who and what you are. Stop those deluding thoughts and stop looking for things until you overcome this unresting moments. Trying too hard to do something would made that something never happens.

Stop putting yourself on danger, recognize what you can do and work slowly towards getting what you cant at the moment. Otherwise you will sink even more day by day.

[barbie]

I guess transgenders tend to be more vulnerable to alchohol. Me, too.

When I drink, I am happy becasue I feel I am fully a man. My usual status is a boundary between man and woman, which is unstable.

In my country, every man should drink a lot to socialize. And more important point is that a man should look sober, even after drinking a lot. I tend to become quieter while drinking with others. It's important for business not to make any mistake even in drunken. However, minor mistakes are allowed.

Barbie~~

[avmorgan]

As many of us here can say, "I totally know what you mean!" I've been having a hard coping of late, and I have begun to wonder if I was ever really coping or if I just got really good at distracting myself. If it was the latter, I guess I distracted myself to the point of exhaustion. For a good while, it helped a lot to find something else constructive to think about or work on, and that would get me through the day. Unfortunately, the nights got harder to get through and I began to dread facing the ticking emotional time bomb waiting for me at the end of the day. I will never kill myself, but I can be self destructive in other ways, like smoking and biting off more than I can chew. I'm used to the nervous breakdowns, but they put me out of work on occasion. That sort of thing makes me too unstable for transition, and only transition will give me enough stability to stop it. So, I do my best to hold on while I figure out what I can do, instead of going crazy about what I can't. I have to accept the losses and failures that have brought me to this point and forgive myself for making them, or they will forever dominate my life.

[El]

This topic struck a rather painfull chord with me, although i dont drink i do have a rather bad drug problem which i think is partially caused by my dysphoria.

Now i cant blame it entirely on that, i know that there are lots of reasons i abuse different substances but it does play a large part in it. When im wasted im not a man or a woman i just AM, i exist without the internal conflict and i feel safe in a strange way, on the odd day im sober the dysphoria is at its strongest, it makes me want to claw at my own flesh and break down and cry.

Im pretty damn lost

[avmorgan]

El, my experience with abusing substances is limited to smoking, and I use it to distract myself from problems rather than to escape from them, but I've also been forced to deal with the addiction and health problems that come with it. Those are things that will ultimately kill you if you can't or don't deal with them. Fortunately, there is help for that part if you are brave enough to ask for it. The thing is, to fix the real problem you cannot let yourself keep running away from it. Running from the things that prey on you just encourages them to chase you, and with your back to them, you're pretty much defenseless.

The thing is, pain makes us crazy, drives us in ways we cannot control and which can hurt us even worse. When the pain gets out of hand and panic grabs you, yeah, you really do feel lost. Even when you can stand up to the pain, the panic just eats at you, waiting for you to give in to it. The hardest part of therapy is recognizing that you need it, that you have a problem you cannot deal with on your own. If you have not considered seeing a therapist, I suggest you do. The minute you said "I'm lost" you did the hard part. It is harder to admit that then it is to ask for help. All that time you spent running, you were desperate for help but had no clue where to turn. Turn to someone who has the training and experience to drag the monsters out of your head, shed some light on them and put them to rest.

I hope you can find your way out of the woods...