Today I am happier then I have been since the day my children were born. I feel so good right now and I just feel that it would be selfish to keep it all to myself. I want to share it with my family here and I hope that some of my happiness finds its way into your life.
Being transgendered is in my opinion the most difficult of all alternative lifestyles to have to live. The pain, sadness, and loneliness we experience is far too often more then we are able to bare. I don't need to itemize and describe our pain, you know how it feels. So often we feel like just giving up because we feel like we are just sacrificing one pain only to take on another. We worry about what we will lose or have to give up. we worry that if we don't lose or give up those things we love so dearly that we will never be happy with who we are. It's a catch twenty two, and an endless cycle of pain and despair.
Almost inevitably we reach a breaking point and we are forced to choose. Being true to your self hurts. It hurts bad. I know it does and I've been there, feeling like there is no end in sight. Feeling like we will never be who we know we are. Feeling certain that we will never find love again...
But let me break out my pulpit and preach to ya for a minute.
Brothers and sisters, and all those in between! It will get better! I know your walking through that vally right now, I know it's dark all around ya! I know them dogs of fear and doubt are nipping at your heals! But I'm gonna let you know right here right now friend, It's only gonna get better for here. You didn't run this far to just give up on the race, you didn't swim this far out into that transgendered ocean just to drown in self pity and fear.
So you've lost loved ones, maybe a job, maybe some one made ya feel bad but ya know what? When you have nothing left to lose, that moment when you feel like you have lost all control, That friend is when you are at the top of your game! You are in control now! Your partner has left you because they couldn't deal with your transition. You tried so hard to show them that you loved them and in doing so you gave them control of your happiness. That's gone now, your in control. So you lost your job, and all that fear of being without income to pay for your transition. Well now that job can no longer control you. You are in control. Your best friend turned his/her back on you, you no longer have to worry about what they will think of you if you transition, your in control.
"But", you say " I need those things, I need love, I need that job, I need the friend to support me." You know what? your right but you don't need the ones you used to have. Now that you are in control, you make the decision, you choose who your friends will be, you choose the job you want, and you choose that special someone to love you and its so much better now because you are you! you are the person you knew deep down that you were meant to be. If the strings from your past hold your balloon on the ground, cut the strings. "But I don't want to hurt those that love me." you say. You know what I have learned? If you do all that you can to let your love show through your actions and your words, that will leave a lasting impression on them. A lot of people have turned their backs on me but the ones that I truly loved can not look me in the eye and say "you let me down". And those that truly loved me are still with me.
I'm going to make a call to arms right here right now! Today we stop being afraid of our past. Today we stop letting the social rules and restrictions of the past 100 years define and constrict us! Today I am going to hold my head up and look the mean old world right in the eye and set my jaw firm. World, I am who I am by the grace of who or what ever created me. I can not choose what I am but I can choose who I am. I can not control you or force you to love and accept me but neither can you control me. I can not tell the world to bow to my will but I can make the world respect me. Respect is earned by standing up for your human rights and standing firm in your beliefs. Respect is earned by being true to who you are regardless of the nay Sayers.
You are beautiful, you are unique, you are special. But most of all you are in control. Once you have the controls to your life in your hands you can guide it down the path it needs to follow. If there is no path you now have the power to make one. A person with nothing left to lose is the most formidable of all opponents.
When your head and path are clear then the journey becomes a pleasure and not a struggle. When your course is laid in and the goal is in sight, that is when life truly happens. That is when you will find acceptance, happiness, and love.
be strong, be confidant, be in control!
Amen!
-Cami
