stepping out of the shadows

[Cindy]

Hi SoShy

As the other girls have said it's a road and you are the one on it. That said the support from people on this site really opens you up and makes you realise you are not a freak, and not alone. And when you need to scream and cry we'll be here for you. At least people have been for me.


Janet, I'm going to have to open a bottle of red to keep up with you

Cindy

[K8]

Thanks for your responses, I honestly don't know what I expected, but after reading what you had posted, I actually was having a hard time controlling my emotions.

I've suppressed everything for so long, that finally coming out and talking about it with people and getting an actually positive response, it's a bit overwhelming, I actually had tears starting.

I have no idea how far down this road is right for me, but I know fighting this and trying to remain as I am will only make me unhappier.  If I'm truly honest, I do want to change, I want things to get better, but I'm scared of opening up to people too. 

How can I know if this is right for me?  Is talking to a therapist the only way to find out? 

I'm so lost.

Welcome, SoShy.  I certainly can identify with the feeling you expressed here.  How do you know?  How do you proceed?

To me, therapy is essential.  Find someone you are comfortable with and begin opening up.

I found that coming out to my friends was a HUGE step.  I did a lot of preparation before coming out to the first one, but as the coming-out process unfolded I found that I was also coming out to myself, too.

And the other girls here at Susan's have been a wonderful help to me. 

It sounds like you are ready to start your journey.  It's scary at times but can be wonderful.

Good luck!

- Kate

[SoShy]

Is it really just that easy to get things started?  and is it really okay to trust in what I've felt is right, and yet been told is wrong for so long?

I can't count how many times I got the "behave more like a man" or "be a man" speeches, don't get me wrong, it has a thrill to it thinking about it, but if I starting talking and explain this to a therapist/psychiatrist, will I really be able to start on this path?

After hearing "no, you can't" for so long, it's a kind of disbelief hearing someone say "yes, you can" and I guess I want someone to pinch me to make sure it's real.

[K8]

Yeah, I got that "be a man" stuff, too.  It took me a long time to be who I am, and then to figure out that who I am isn't really a man.  (I always felt I was both and neither.)

Find a therapist you can trust.  Trust takes a little time to build up.  You don't have to blurt everything out in the first five minutes, although you can if that works for you.

No, it's not easy.  And yes, it is possible.

And if you come here, I'll be glad to pinch you.

- Kate

[Cindy]

I think we've all had the be a man speech In fact many of the girls on this site have had very male jobs. Soldiers, heavy industry, truckies etc. It's a common activity for TGs to strive for the cure. If I marry have a guy job and children I'll be a man and this desire will go away.
There a heap of people with their hands up on that one.

I don't think it will ever work. Maybe for a time as your T levels are high, but when they start dropping it all rolls back.

My wife new about Cindy from the begining and it was no problem. I came out to the rest of my family in one hit. I was totally in Cindy mode, hair makeup, clothes etc. Cooking tea for us, and her family walked through the front door. Two bro-in-laws and two sister-in-laws. They have keys to our front door as my wife was very ill. The two guys looked stunned. One S-i-L said you look gorgeous, the other came over kissed me on the cheek and said, I've known for ages. The two guys got themselves a beer. Sat down and talked guy stuff, which I never did anyway. And the rest of us gossiped about life, shopping, make-up etc.

I go out in public, I shop as Cindy (and in drab) my voice is totally male . But I'm working on it.
So far I have never had a bad reaction. Ignored yes. Heard two guys in a bar say, It's one of those T girls. Ignored them. Ordered my drink and the bar-maid just said. I'll bring over to your table miss.

Yes there are big problems. Yes it's not as easy all the time. Yes it depends on how much money you have. Yes your job may be impossible to keep.

Yes I'm so much happier even though I cannot go full time as yet.
One of my female Ph.D. students, who knows about Cindy, said to me two weeks ago, You are so much more relaxed now a days.

Says it all.

Love
Cindy

[stacyB]

SoShy, what your going through is normal and so many have dealt with this. But like the others said, the answers are already inside of you... you just have to listen to your own self to figure it all out. All I can tell you is whatever the answer, you will know. Dont ask how, just know that you will know the truth. That in of itself will give you the strength to carry on whatever path you choose.

This is a great place to start and ask questions, but it would also help your introspection if you work with a therapist. They can help you to make sense of your feelings and to see and process the decisions on the road ahead.

Is it really just that easy to get things started?  and is it really okay to trust in what I've felt is right, and yet been told is wrong for so long?

If your looking for easy then you will have a difficult time ahead. Its a tough road, thats for sure. And your life will probably turn upside down for a while during the journey. But Sandy said it best... one way tickets sometimes are the only option when running from a burning building.

One thing to keep in mind... take the time you need to work it out. Its not a race, and you will figure out your pace fairly quickly. Dont let anyone tell you that you cant do this, and dont let anyone push you into decisions you arent ready to make. In short, you know your own comfort zone, listen to your inner voice. Im betting it wont mislead you.

Good luck and welcome.

-Stacy

[SoShy]

I used the statement wrong, I know that transition isn't "easy" from reading and learning and I am not trying to belittle anyone's efforts to find their true selves.

I suppose it is much like watching a master of their art, seeing and reading people talk about it, it seems easy because they have gone through all the steps leading to that point, which have taken great effort and patience but aren't visible immediately.

I want to say thank you for all the supportive comments.  I'm going to take the advice I've gotten here and see if I can find a therapist to talk to.  I don't know what to expect, but it's something I need to do and the first step to getting this under control.

-SoShy

[Sandy]

Is it really just that easy to get things started?  and is it really okay to trust in what I've felt is right, and yet been told is wrong for so long?

Yes, it is that easy.

One of the things that a lot of us have grown up with is guilt.  Guilt that says that we are somehow imperfect for the feelings we have.  Guilt that says that we are not good enough to deserve a happy life.  Guilt that says that we are not "man" enough.  That guilt is what leads to the depression cycle.

You must give up your guilt.  You must *believe* your feelings are true.  You must know that you are a worthy person.  Because you are.

That will also be part of this process.  And part of the things you may discuss with your therapist.

This is part of coming out to yourself.  That is actually the hardest step for many of us to do.  To accept yourself for who you are.  Once you do that, the rest is easy.

Really!

-Sandy

[Tammy Hope]

SoShy,

Welcome! I'm new here myself but I've been here long enough to know that you are getting the advice of the SP All Stars in this thread. I won't name names but these girls will feel like your sisters overnight.

I can add little except to say that i - like the rest - totally relate to the things you mentioned. You are not alone!

And I have found that one of the most rewarding things here and IRL is - when you are so sure you should hide and be ashamed, every time you tell someone and they DON'T judge you like you feared, it is SUCH a rush. Yes, there will be those who do, but they pale next to those who don't.

By the way, you use the phrase "a long time" - may I ask how old you are? Many of us here were 40+ when we finally embraced what we knew to be true so don't let that slow you down.

As Kate has said, better to be an ugly old woman than any sort of man.

[SoShy]

Hello Laura, I'm currently 30 this year, and thank you for your support.

I've already had the emotional surge that came with simply being accepted here.
I only hope as I continue to bring my mind and body into harmony that this will only continue to get better. 

-SoShy

[FairyGirl]

Hi SoShy, yes there are some wonderful, helpful people here, girls and guys too. And one thing I will throw in- it is a difficult journey but it does get easier, especially when you get to the point where you know beyond a doubt that you are finally on the right path to recovery. I'd say with the way you feel about just coming out here that it is a good sign. I got totally stoked when I finally found a therapist that would see me, even before my first visit! As the other girls here have suggested, a good therapist can help you work out where you are. From there on out, the sky is the limit and never let anyone tell you that you aren't "good enough", or feminine enough, or any of that other stuff. Like Sandy said, know that you are a worthy person. Being true to yourself is essential; we should never have to be ashamed of who we truly are.