It's Really True

[Kim]

Even before realizing and accepting my TSism, you know back when I tried to pass as male, I got these severe abdomenal cramps and always wrote it off as gas pains. However, I would guzzle pop and any other gaseous foods and even though gas would flow through (trying not to be gross here) the cramps remained. Sometimes a few hours and sometimes a couple days would pass before they would simmer and eventually go away. My wife and I decided I should be checked. She came with me as support as I was scared as to what it may end up being. The first thing my doctor noticed was my voice changed (we decided best not to mention my TSism to him yet). He found I sounded very feminine and was a bit shocked when I told him it changed on its own, I don't know how but it did. Second thing he took notice was my breasts which are now in B cup size,again on their own. I am obviously not on HRT since we haven't told anyone including him about my TSism. He checked my abdomen and gave me a few of thos 'humph' sounds when he hit the cramp area and I jumped a bit from him touching and causing a bit of discomfort. I also get swelled around the waist and ankles a bit too. He stood there and looked me straight in the eye and admitted he has some suspicions and if he is right it'll be new for him to deal with but he is willing. He ordered a barrage of tests such as MRI and fluid draws on me like blood and all. We went back yesterday to get the results. He walked in and said he was right and had some shocking news for us to deal with and he will help us through it. He sat in front of me and smiled and asked if I felt anything unusual mentally. I asked what he meant and he ellaborated by asking if I felt out of sorts to other guys around me. I looked at my wife and she told him I was a TS. He snickered and his exact words were 'oh no she's not, unless she's female to male TS'. I started to cry and he turned to my wife and politely asked if after we discovered what we thought was TSism if I had chosen a proper name and she told him it is Kimberly-Anne. He took out a pen and wrote that name in brackets on my file. Apparently the only thing in my body they could find that proved I was male was that ugly thing below between my legs. He took a gander and felt there was evidence showing it may have been altered at birth to appear more real. Apparently I have reproductive organs and I am getting cramps at regular intervals. He suggested we keep a log for as he called it the heck of it just so we see this. In other words other than bleeding I'm having a period. We now have to do counselling and follow ups just so we can make the right decisions for the 2 of us. When we got home I cried out of fear of my wife leaving. Somehow she finds this easier, or as she calles it, a whole lot easier to deal with than just being TS. In 2 years time we plan to renew our vows so I felt now is the fair time to give her a choice. Crying I dropped to one knee and proposed to her. She smiled at me and said yes,definitely no questions asked, Kim dear. As for realligning the only male body part on me right now I don't want to bother. But with counselling and time who knows. All I know is my wife is the most important part of life as are my children so we will talk it over to great lengths, though she feels right now it may be the right thing. I'm still scared of surgery in that I may lose her. Counselling will help there for us both. 

[cindianna_jones]

Oh Kim.  I'm so sorry you have had this terrible thing happen to you. I truly can't imagine what you've gone through.  This is a Greek tragedy.  You want to have a genuine medical reason for the reasons you think the way you do.  And then you discover that you've been changed from what you were. 

Please keep us posted on your progress. I hope your wife will support you now. I know that it is a tragedy for her as well.

My heart goes out for you both.

Cindi

[Robyn]

Kim, I do hope that this discovery will make it easier for both of you as the journey continues.

If you haven't found it already, here is the link to the Intersex Society of North America <www.isna.org>

Robyn

[Kim]

Ty Robyn-but I have tried that site from search pages and I just tried your link and I keep getting 'cannot find server'. Ty for your comments Cindi. I know it sounds like a tragedy at what they did at birth to me but as I have read if you were born at that time showing signs of both sexes they and your parents chose which sex was best to give you and genitalia would be srgically corrected and you would be raised as that sex. Usually they would go with female sex and most times got it wrong. In my case they chose male and got it wrong yet again!! Shows what they all knew!!lol. My wife and I are both more at peace with things and as I said, she was given the choice for our renewal and she's walking down the aisle with me again. Thank you both for your compliments.

[angelsgirl]

Hello. You don't really know me, cause I haven't been around too much...but I wanted to extend my sympathies for your recent troubles.  That must really be confounding to say the least!

Ever the optimist (annoyingly so, most of time, too, I admit) I would have to say that at least it will be easier for you to achieve a female body since you mostly have it, anyway. It is just really tragic.  I was happy to hear that your SO is being supportive of you (even if it is still on thin ice).  Keep your chin up...I'm sure it will work itself out eventually!

Hugs,

~Kelly

P.S. Aren't menstrual cramps the worst? 

[Melissa]

I'm sorry that you had to live as male all those years.  It must be hard knowing that.  I always thought you looked very female in your picture--actually you look like a child in that picture for some reason.  Now i know why.

Melissa

[Sheila]

Kim, I found out the samething when I went to have my surgery. I didn't even know. When I got back from surgery, I cornered my mom and asked her and she said there was something wrong and that they have corrected it. I have scars all over my groin area and have never known what they were. It is over with and no sense in blaming others, it was 1949 for gods sake. I hope you can deal with this the same way. By the way, I will be married for 37 years in a couple of weeks.
Love Sheila

[Kim]

Thank you all. I am so lucky to have such a great wife. I asked her if she's really sure about staying and with no hesitation I got a loud yes. Hope we can reach the milestone like Sheila. And Kelli, yes they are painful. I just started this months and I got the cramps Sat evening while booting 110 Kms/hr (60 some odd m/hr) on our way home from a trip. Pic it, one hand on wheel and one arm across abdomen and moaning every time they got sharp!! Thank God wife and kids were asleep!!lol. As painful as they can be though they also make me feel great in that they prove I am woman.

[fusi]

wow :')

[Kim]

I need to clear one thing up about yesterday's appointment. I had a message asking about a doctor on Sunday. He decided it was what he wanted to do to keep it private. I guess those rooms in doctor's offices aren't so sound proof I don't know. It seemed odd to us too.

[Kim]

Thank you Tinkerbell. At least I'm only 38 so I have probably another 50 or 60 years as the real me. I keep joking with my wife I must be the oldest person in the world to be going through puberty!!! lol. Apparently it looks like the only surgery they did was external to get that coat rack down there to look real.

[angelsgirl]

OMG, Kim! The cramps are "proof" that I could do without! But I do understand why you'd say that! 

So...let me know if I'm asking too many questions...you're intersexed, is that the correct word? But you're going through puberty now?  You mentioned that you were on HRT for awhile, do you suppose it could've "reminded" your body of the hormones it's supposed to be making, or is that too sci-fi?  I hope I'm not being too nosey, it's just that I'm fascinated with bio-chem and microbiology as it affects the human body. That's why I'm in the Med Lab Tech program at my college. 

Your wife sounds like an outstanding person.  I'm very happy for you both!  I can only imagine the shock all this must have been for you both, especially for you.  You seem to be a lot happier now than in your first post, though!  Are you relieved?

By the way, back to that cramp thing...I know that you're not actually bleeding, but it might be possible that you have uterine lining growing on internal organs as it normally would in a monthly cycle.  It sheds roughly once a month when certain hormone levels dip and others increase. One of these is prostaglandin and it causes cramping. However, in endometriosis, cramping is much more severe because the lining is growing on and shedding from inappropriate places.  This isn't a dangerous condition and many (although it can only be firmly diagnosed by exploratory surgery) have this or are suspected of having it ...but it could explain your sever cyclic cramping. 

Some big-sisterly advice (I know, I know, I would be a little sister to you, but technicalities!):  Try soaking in a bath with Epsom salts, cut down your salt and caffeine intake, increase your water intake, try a hot-water bottle on wherever you feel the cramps, and if you must, pop an advil (I save it for last because I dislike taking medications unneccessarily, that's my own bias!) 

At least you should get more sympathy out of your wife than what some of us ladies get! For example, I only got the look of fear from the guys I've dated. It was kind of a deer-in-headlights look and then they would flee and I wouldn't see them for the rest of the week.  But Josi, she's sweet. She would feed me ice cream in bed for the entire week if I even hinted that it would make me feel better.  Hopefully, this will work for you. Okay, I've rambled too long.  Later!

[Kim]

Hi Angelsgirl,
  I don't mind all the questions but just to clarify I haven't had HRT at all. My doctor thinks I mentally prevented my body from developing other than the cramping. Of all things my mind wanted to wreak havoc on it decided not to touch that one, ahh the mystery of ones mind and brain. He feels that since embracing what we thought was TSism my mind let my body grow and be itself. Yes the term they now use is intersex (blahhh). Since I am totally female I am woman (with a coat rack as a souvenir!! ) I always hated labels so all the TS' to me are female (or male on the other side of the coin). Apparently all my organs are there so my body is totally female. For some odd reason the 'experts' seem to have a harder time explaining this than they do TSism, which baffles me. One of the biggest jokes my wife and I have right now is when we discuss our renewal of vows ceremony we jokingly wonder to each other if they present us as Mrs and Mrs or Mr and Mrs or Mrs and well we're not really sure?    (it's catholic so I think we all know the answer to that one). And yes we both feel wonderful about all this and decided to let the incident at birth rest and not hold against my mom. I have done enough counselling to know the past serves better as building blocks than they do as living spaces for me each day.

[angelsgirl]

Oh, okay! No HRT! That's even cooler then!  I wonder if I can use my brain to shrink my thighs? (j/k! ) Only if I'm using it to stick to my diet!

I'm almost in the same boat with you on the name thing!

Jocelyn is still physically and legally male, and we're kind of wondering what will happen after we're married and she makes her female identity legal.  I know that I'm changing my last name to hers (because I don't like mine, and her parents might be upset if she were to totally discard any name they ever gave her) but I don't know what will happen after that.  I do know that we're both throwing the bouquet at the wedding though!

[Kim]

Hey, may I say congrats on your upcoming wedding and we'll pray you two enjoy the success so many of us do. I just finished watching cartoons with my kids and after I read what you said about tossing the bouquet,I closed my eyes and had images of you tossing the bouquet and your wife flying through the air still holding on to it!!    Sorry, too many cartoons for this girl I think. I'm sure you two will have a happy marriage, you seem strong and willing to make it work, which is a big big help. Again,congratulations to you both 

[mefree]

Congratalations (Sp?) !!!  I hope you a nd your wife stay strong together and good luck on this journey you are on, mind suppression WOW that is impressive, I would have ever guessed it was capable of doing that.  Enjoy the Catholic Wedding and have fun afterwards or until I reply to you again, Madamesoilles have a great day!!!

[TheBattler]

Wow Kim,

I have just had time to read what you have said. It sounds like you have a good life ahead of you know you are female. If I was in your shoes I would think it to be such a relief to know I was biologicaly female.

Alice

[Kim]

Thank you Alice. It is definitely a huge relief knowing and having my wife stand by even stronger through this. It's different in that I have no male voice to revert back to for her or if out as male such as at work, and there's no shrinking the breasts by removing inserts etc but I will never complain about that and we just decided we have to explain it best we can to people, carefully. I told my Mom we are to what happened. The reaction said it all even though the words deny it. She snapped at us and yelled and screamed her denial, even hung up on us at one point. I am fine though, that's her and her problem. This is ours to live and we are happier than ever.

[Melissa]

I told my Mom we are to what happened. The reaction said it all even though the words deny it. She snapped at us and yelled and screamed her denial, even hung up on us at one point.

I'm so sorry.  It's bad when you actually have physical evidence and parents still deny it.  You aren't even doing anything, your body is.  It's not like you could stop it.  I have mild androgen insensitivty syndrome, but I haven't even bothered mentioning it to my parents because they wouldn't believe me and would just call it a manipulation technique.  Plus, the evidence is much more subtle than what you have.  It really sucks having parents who are not supportive.  Hugs.

Melissa

[Kim]

I agree Melissa but for me this is nothing new from my mom. She's the type of person where it's her way or the highway. I told her it's her choice, either admit she has a son (my brother) and a daughter since it's actually what all this amounts to. It's up to her.All I know is my only concern is my wife and kids. Since my wife says all is excellent with her I am peachy with all that we found out. On another happy note, my doctor is in contact with doctors in a bigger city (Montreal) to see if there is a way to test my lactose tubes or glands to see if they function properly. Thats Mooosic to my ears!!