Starting therapy and life in general...

[Vancha]

I'm not the most active poster on this forum, unfortunately (regrettably, I'm a bit reserved and do more reading than writing, per se), but felt the need to keep a certain connectivity with the members of this forum and this site in general.  I don't have the largest circle of friends and supporters as it is, and know not one person struggling with such issues as gender identity (or transsexuality) personally, neither online nor in person.

I joined probably a few months ago, after I decided to actively make my parents aware of my wish to be male, after many years of struggle.  Honestly, I live in such an open family that I hardly felt I was "coming out" of any proverbial closet.  My identity had been internalized for my entire life, although I had been successful in pushing it back to the extent that I expected others to see me as male, or at least understand my situation without being directly made aware of it.  For some time, I've felt uncomfortable having something so huge and so secret out in the open, but when it comes down to it, I am me, and that fact is unavoidable.

Lately, I've cycled between feeling hopeful, optimistic, and relieved to have the weight off my shoulders and feeling pathetic, vulnerable, and for lack of a better word, stupid.  Generally ridiculous.  I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I have always been absolutely disturbed by the possibility of being perceived as a butch lesbian as many pre-T trans men are, and at this stage in my life and with my secret out, there is nowhere to hide and I sometimes feel like I will be perceived as exactly that.  And if not that, a terrible poser. (Yet again, for lack of a better word).  I don't know how common this is, but getting acclimated to my chosen name is also, at times, difficult.  When people say it, particularly my parents, I feel as if I am being teased.  But my legal name disturbs me far more and on many different levels.

Regardless of those problems, I am talking with my family a lot about this.  I've spoken about testosterone, I've spoken about surgery and even such personal subjects as growth in the lower regions and my wishes to achieve as much as possible given my situation.  And the more I talk, the more I discover that this struggle has been evident in every step of my life.  I grow more and more comfortable with my family, and it seems to be alleviating tension that I hadn't realized was there before.

Luckily for me, my therapist is strictly a gender therapist and from what I know, has worked with trans men in the past (and plans to introduce me to some in the near future).  Along with this, she doesn't seem to doubt me in the least.  In fact, on our first session she agreed that this runs extremely deeply in my life and has been present since I was very young – in fact, as young as 3 or 4.  Fascinatingly, it seems many of my issues were gender struggles cloaked by something else, and given a false name.  I struggled with panic disorder, social phobia, separation anxiety... All as a very young child and seemingly for no reason. 

As I began to go through puberty, I began to feel essentially wrong in my body.  I translated this wrongness into "fat", as we all grow up in a society (especially as girls) in which weight is the subject of most peoples' complaints.  I certainly grew up with people who would complain about weight, and thus I suppose the only way I knew to explain how I felt was through it.  That was when I was as young as six.  I was as skinny as a stick, and all I could think about was how there was too much on my body – growing breasts as a young person was traumatizing, but I cloaked it in what was dismissed as normal female weight issues.  It was, and always has been, dysphoria.  When I discovered this, a light clicked on in my brain.  Unfortunately, many of my issues were never brought up with a therapist, nor did the ones I saw take any notice of my gender identity.  It just goes to show how hidden and deep-seated these issues can be in our lives.  It's unfortunate as I can easily see people living with this and not coming to terms with it until many years have gone by.

I don't know where I'm going with all this rambling, but I hope some of you can at least gain something from my pointless rambles... Or perhaps identify these things in yourself?

I have no idea when I will be able to get the green light on hormones, but I know she understands completely that I wish to physically transition and as soon as possible... Really, I don't think either of us have a doubt in mind.

I hope everyone is doing well and that I didn't "type" anyone's "ear" off.

[sneakersjay]

I understand.

I never identified as lesbian and lived as a straight female, so suddenly being perceived as butch was initially irritating, but then I realized it was a step in the right direction.  I wasn't being perceived as feminine, but butch, which meant more masculine.  So look on that as a bright side, as a step in the right direction.

It's definitely puberty.  Like I really need zits at my age!!  LOL


Jay

[Radar]

I've never identified with being a lesbian and would hate being seen as butch. I see myself as a straight male. I don't mean any offense to anyone- I guess it would be like a gay person being offended if they were always seen as straight.

Yet, I also lived some of my life as a straight female. I thought if I tried hard and long enough I could be what everyone and society wants me to be. But, it failed. So, even though I have a husband, I'm a heterosexual male. Trying to live that way has become too hard. It makes me feel fake (which it is) and kind-of gay, even though I really didn't like it. As time goes on it's getting harder and harder. I've developed a great resentment at him- even though it's my fault. He doesn't know. Hopefully he'll know soon and I'll be free.

The point of my ramble is this- you're not alone in what you've been through.

[Teknoir]

I understand and you're not alone. I've felt many of the same things 

When I was living as female I used to get read as butch dyke all the damn time. It annoyed me because I was actually trying to look and fit in as normal female! Though, a reading of 'female' also used to really get to me.

People who knew me would say things like "...but you are a girl!" to try and make me deal with it, and I'd get even angrier! I just couldn't deal with it, and wanted no part of it whatsoever! And the more they insisted, the angrier and more depressed I got. I wasn't a kid when this went on, either... we're talking up until this year (I'm mid 20's for reference).

And then I figured it out! Huzzah!

For some reason, since I've been "presenting as myself" women seem to call me "darling" a lot. They didn't when I was presenting female. I have no idea why this is.

I've never identified as lesbian either. I don't really identify as anything on the sexual orientation spectrum.

Yeah, I've always hated the ol' body too. Used to get major panic attacks at bath time when I was just starting puberty. I had no idea why at the time, it was just an overwhelming feeling of horrible death doom in the room. I'd often run screaming.

I literally ran screaming from puberty. Put it in a movie, and they'd call it ham fisted! 

Meeting other transmen is a good idea. Don't worry about them thinking you are a poser - they've been where you are. Nobody is going to think you're a poser just because you're pre-T, or newly figured yourself out. Just be yourself. You'll do fine 

[Vancha]

Thank you all for your comments.
Amusingly, Teknoir (is there another name I can refer to you as?), I have been told the very same thing, as if in reassurance.  Speaking with my mother further about this, she and I discussed how she feels she was holding me back from this unintentionally, as she would unintentionally discourage me from certain things, only in an attempt to help me.  Apparently, I was insistent that I would act as male characters in movies, and absolutely miserable that I could not.  She says that at a young age, I seemed unable to come to terms with the fact that I, as a woman, could not play a male character, and she says she felt bad for me and tried to make me understand the truth of the matter.  Once, I told her that I needed to get a sex change so that I could act, and she immediately discouraged me, telling me "women don't make good men."  She tells me, now, that she regrets that terribly – that she thought I was saying so only because of what society wanted, not what I wanted.  There are so many events in my life that should have made my discomfort as female obvious.

I was wondering whether any of you guys had done anything akin to acting or roleplaying as male characters in the past, even before you had come to terms with your gender identity.  I remember vividly getting something from playing male characters with my friend.  Hell, I even wanted our roleplays to involve something involving male puberty... I wanted my characters to be going through it!  I didn't think twice about it, I just knew it fascinated me and I had some longing for it...

More rambling! 

(As a side note, I like your reference to Full Metal Jacket, Teknoir - if that is indeed the reference you are making).

And Radar, you are an inspiration to me.  I have read about your struggles and I must say, you are an exceptionally strong person!  As is everyone here.  No matter our situations, there are struggles we all must overcome.

There is one important question I would like addressed (although it doesn't directly relate to my topic) - what are the protocols, per se, for getting a testosterone prescription in Canada?  I've heard 3 months in therapy, but have yet to discuss that with my therapist (will remember to next time).  Is there anything else necessary?

[Radar]

Thanks Adrian, but my struggles have just started. I've read enough stories to know there are alot more men out there in much worse situations. Many of my situations are caused from my own decisions. Many guys out there just have a bad break overall. I'm actually lucky overall with my situation.

As for acting or RPing characters- always have been male. Always. The thought of using a female character just seemed so wrong. I can't help you with the starting T timeline since I'm in the US. I've heard it's common for 3 months therapy in the US, but I'm getting recommended for it after only a little over a month. I still have to see the endo though- so who knows. I think alot of it depends on the case of the person and the therapist.

[Vancha]

I think it takes yet more strength to admit when your problems are of your own doing; but I wouldn't say that is necessarily the case.  We grow up in a society that tells us, no matter the case, that we are wrong, that we are bad, that we ought to be ashamed.  Regardless of what it is that we struggle with, our society makes us think we are to be condemned for it, particularly when it relates to issues of gender identity or sexual orientation.  We are scarcely without xenophobia throughout our childhood experiences.  It is our society to blame, and not individuals.  Some people are unable to push back societal norms and be themselves, for fear of upsetting family members or friends.

I don't think you are to blame, and none of us are...

My characters were always male, as well, and I often used the internet as a life jacket of sorts.  At the end of a stressful day, I'd go online and live my "second life" as a man.  At least, a man in others' eyes.  I know lying is bad, but it kept me alive.  Over the years I saw myself feeling more and more like I was online, so to speak.  And there was less that was hidden, so in a sense I started to "come out" more.  It was good to pretend.  I was living vicariously through what everyone online presumed about me.  And it made me feel purposeful.  It was easy to forget who I was physically.

It would be good to know, though, exactly what is normal protocol in Canada... I'll do some searching around, but hearing from some guys from Canada would be extremely helpful.

Just reading back over past posts to see if I've missed anything, I'd like to also say that I don't identify with anything on a level of sexual orientation, and that I, too, felt that feeling of horrible death doom.  I can't explain it, but that feeling is hard to forget.

[Lachlann]

Yep, I did the RP thing, even passed myself off as male to other people. At the time I thought I was lying, but at the same time I just felt like I could be myself to an extent.

As for Canada, it's the same as the US.

[Vancha]

Yep, I did the RP thing, even passed myself off as male to other people. At the time I thought I was lying, but at the same time I just felt like I could be myself to an extent.

As for Canada, it's the same as the US.

I echo that exactly.  In fact, I still pass myself off as male.  I used to feel guilty about it, but now I consider it an undeniable fact as it is, and were I to meet anyone in person, in a few years or less it won't matter.  Should they ever become close friends, it is something I should be able to trust with them.

Is it really identical?  In that case, that simplifies matters.

[perfectisolation]

I have the same issues too, Adrian, I can really relate to how you have anxiety problems, etc. I have the same problem and I think being trans plays a role in this. I have had all sorts of anxiety issues that have come and gone. Obsession, phobias, just plain neurosis. Most of that is gone now though. Right now, my social anxiety is at its worst, and I think it's because I'm so afraid of letting people know the real me.

I also have had a problem with the "fat" thing, especially since estrogen puts it in all the wrong places, and just doesn't work as efficiently in that department as T does (cellulite, anyone? ). I also have some issues with misogyny, as far asthe female body goes, as you can read. Looking back, puberty definitely felt wrong, not just the scariness everyone goes thru, but just really effed up. I denied periods even existed, then I got one, and nearly passed out at the sight of it.

As a kid I roleplayed too, male and androgynous. One thing I remember clearly, was in 6th grade, we had this medieval fair type thing so I wanted to be a knight cause the maidens were so fail. And my mom decided I'd be Joan of Arc. So I was the only "girl" in class dressed as a knight
In some games, I've had female personas. Most of the time I made my female character a "perfect" hot female version of me.

I also had a coping mechanism like your Second Life persona, Adrian. I'd lie in bed for hours a day, or even at school, fantasizing, and drawing, and scheming, this fantasy world where my favorite main characters were male. The main protagonist, was a sort of reflection of my own personality except he grew stronger. I hardly ever have that fantasy anymore tho since I came out to myself.

[Teknoir]

Amusingly, Teknoir, I have been told the very same thing, as if in reassurance.

I'm not trying to blindly reassure you. I'm just sayin' - I've been there before, with the same concerns, and that's how it turned out for me. From your story you don't sound like a poser, and I don't think people will see you as one. Your story, is... well... just so damn normal for our lot!

I don't mean "don't tell it" by that either (it's always interesting to hear other people's stories), I just mean you're likely to find yourself in a room full of short men with beards who can personally relate to many things you say. Believe me - it's a really weird feeling after a lifetime of people having no idea what you're on about!

(is there another name I can refer to you as?)

Errr... does my name mean something offensive I'm not aware of? You've got me kinda worried now! 

There are so many events in my life that should have made my discomfort as female obvious.

I think other people don't pick up on it because cisgendered people apparently don't even think to question their own gender identity - let alone the gender identity of others. Sometimes though, they just don't pick up on your discomfort because it's something which isn't uncomfortable to them, or 99% of people they know, so they aren't looking for it. People are self absorbed by nature, it's amazing how little they notice when things "aren't quite right".

I was wondering whether any of you guys had done anything akin to acting or roleplaying as male characters in the past, even before you had come to terms with your gender identity.

Always . I've never had or been a female character of any sort - it just never felt natural or right. Even in FPS games where the female models had a smaller hitbox... it'd still go male as a matter of pride (I couldn't stand the thought that someone might think I'm female - even when all the clanned bio-guys were doing it, and it made me look like a noob).

From games of "pretend" at 3 years old right through to todays games. Online, offline, it doesn't change  .

(As a side note, I like your reference to Full Metal Jacket, Teknoir - if that is indeed the reference you are making).

Aw, thanks . It is indeed the reference.

[Vancha]

I think I've made you uncomfortable accidentally!  What I meant is that I've been told that I am a girl (like you were) in reassurance, but it always made me feel worse - not that I've been told that I am not alone, hahah.  And also, is Teknoir your real name?  It just feels informal if it is not.  Either way, it's an awesome name but I wondered whether it was a username or an actual name, as it is a tad out of the ordinary (a good thing).

It's good to hear that I'm not the only one imagining myself as male either online or offline.  I understand what you said about not wanting to be taken as female.

[Teknoir]

Not really that uncomfortable - just wondering is all 

Not, it's not my "real" name - just a username. No need to be worried about being overly formal - it's the internet afterall!

[Dennis]

Re: Canada, there are no set protocols. Some doctors will prescribe on informed consent and others want 3 months' therapy. You should discuss it with your GP and find out what he or she will require.

Dennis

[Vancha]

Hi, Dennis.  I'm sorry, but what does GP stand for again?  Yes, I'm a little... Undereducated with abbreviations.

[Vancha]

Ah, of course.  Thank you.  I think I ought to get an appointment with her anyway.

[Vancha]

Just wanted to say – that's a great hat.

[DRAIN]

I also had a coping mechanism like your Second Life persona, Adrian. I'd lie in bed for hours a day, or even at school, fantasizing, and drawing, and scheming, this fantasy world where my favorite main characters were male. The main protagonist, was a sort of reflection of my own personality except he grew stronger. I hardly ever have that fantasy anymore tho since I came out to myself.

i've done this too....a bunch of friends and i used to roleplay band members from japanese bands online, all male of course, and all of us were female. eventually i developed my own character that was an idealized male version of myself. before in high school, i would always get obsessed with anime characters or whoever i saw myself as...always male. i too would use this to forget who i really was, in a way.

i've also realized that within the last few years and coming to terms with myself and my identity, i no longer rely on characters for identity...at least not as much. very interesting, thanks for making me think of that

[Alyx.]

i've done this too....a bunch of friends and i used to roleplay band members from japanese bands online, all male of course, and all of us were female. eventually i developed my own character that was an idealized male version of myself. before in high school, i would always get obsessed with anime characters or whoever i saw myself as...always male. i too would use this to forget who i really was, in a way.

i've also realized that within the last few years and coming to terms with myself and my identity, i no longer rely on characters for identity...at least not as much. very interesting, thanks for making me think of that

Ah, yes.

I did the same thing, only backwards.

[Vancha]

In a way, I think who we roleplay as, as young children, can reflect how we see ourselves.  Pretending is so crucial to childhood develpment.  Many childhood activities develop this sense of self; many girls play with barbies and imagine themselves as society's image of the ideal woman.  Young boys, too, are raised to identify with idealized male figures.  This is just our society trying to mold us into what it considers to be proper.  Likely, they grow up in a society in which these behaviors are rewarded, and thus the child, encouraged by their parents, often falls into submission.  And if a child feels innately male or female, they are more likely to submit to what society deems proper for whatever gender role that may be.  So, in essence, even female identified biological males and male identified biological females will fall into society's norms... Just not the norm for their biological gender.  Not all, but many.  I hate to say it, but on many counts, religion has played a massive part in deciding what is "male" and what is "female" - Adam and Eve, after all, were perceived to be the ideal male and female.

Rambling, now.  But I think it's pretty interesting!  Given the chance, I would have much rather identified as a male, but not necessarily with destruction and sports, which are often perceived as male interests.  And that, in itself, is outside of the norm.

Am I making any sense?

Likely not.

But I need to get myself a good hat.