Confused on what to do

[jilledwards]

Hi All,

This is my first new topic here. I'm transgender and have been (with a couple of exceptions) in the closet all my life from my family. Its hard but I manage to get by most of the time and stay below the radar.

But now I have a situation that I dont really know what to do.   

I'm so proud!!! I just found out I have a new nephew, "previously known as", my niece. He has basically been estranged from his family (my brother) and moved to a different state many years ago. I'm guessing he is about 25 years younger than I. He apparently came out to his family recently and I just found out. No one has seen him yet.

I'm so happy because I'm not alone anymore. My wife knows about my being transgender but no one else. Her exact words years ago were "You can be as kinky as you want, But I don't want to known about it" So I have always lived my life that way we are together but separate when it came to my transgender identity. I have been taking low doses of estrogen and t-blocker for years now to help with the constant mental distress and spend time with others like myself when I can but that's it for me.

No one in my family except for my parents has ever known about me. And they were too ashamed of me to tell anyone else. Anyway I've always been too afraid to step outside my very protected, controlled, transgender life so to speak.

Anyway, he (MY NEW NEPHEW!!!) might be coming home for a family gathering soon and I don't know what to do?

I'm so happy that I'm crying. Should I risk exposure and tell him about me? Do I trust him with my life long secret? Because my family and relatives are so homophobic. I just want to run and hug him but, I'm afraid of being too obvious and letting on. But I want to support him and protect him from the relatives at the same time. I want him to know he is not alone either. Should I see if I can get his email or phone number? Should I take the risk? I'm also afraid, if I'm there and they start to mouth off I will just blow up and let years of repressed anger vent at the whole party and family.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated

Jill

[Ms Jessica]

wow.  tough call.
first off, if no one knows about you, you will have to be prepared for everyone to find out.  Once you start outing yourself, no matter how much your nephew might promise to keep it a secret, you ought to consider your closet status as revoked.  I'm not saying it will happen, it's just best if you're prepared for the possibility. 

Alternately, you can be nice to your nephew, and accepting, without having to say things like "I'm your auntie Jill!"  You can always be accepting without outing yourself.  This might be the best thing for you, since it doesn't sound like you're really ready to come out yet.  If anyone calls you on your acceptance of your nephew, you say that it shouldn't matter.  He's family, you love him, everyone else should, too.  Your unconditional acceptance could mean a lot to him, and could change the way everyone else sees him, too. 

It is always best to combat transphobia with a calm demeanor.  If they do start to mouth off and you get offended, don't give in to the urge to talk trash right back.  That makes you look bad, and won't win you any points with the people you're trying to convince to be more tolerant and accepting. 

[jilledwards]

Hi Jessica,
Your right about accepting him without telling about myself. I know there's no such thing as a secret, it's always just a matter of time. That's why I've been so secretive for such a long time.

But I'm torn between feeling so glad to have someone this close that understands and feeling guilty and that it's all my fault somehow. When he left his parents house and moved away his gender identity may have been the reason. Or at least the beginning of something he may not have understood about himself. If I had stood up years ago and told everyone maybe he could have talked to me, maybe the situation with his family would have been different. Maybe it wouldn't have been such a shock when he had a problem with his parents if they already knew about someone else in the family. I feel I owe it to him to be there as much as I can.       

[Eva Marie]

Alternately, you can be nice to your nephew, and accepting, without having to say things like "I'm your auntie Jill!"  You can always be accepting without outing yourself.  This might be the best thing for you, since it doesn't sound like you're really ready to come out yet. 

Sage advise here. Sure, be excited for him, help him fit into the family, and make him feel welcome, but unless you are ready for everyone to know about your status keep a zipped lip.

[Lucy]

I'have  had to skip steait to the awnser with out reading other posts. You owe it to your self not to be bias or to show predudase. you may wish to tell him your feelings and he will probably offer advice but do asd you feel fit. I WOSH i HAD some one to talk to... congrsats
#



lucy

[Renate]

I'd say run to him, hug him and tell him how proud you are of him.
That was all in your post, wasn't it?

Of course, tell him. You've got an ally there. He's got an ally.

Ok, discretion is not my best attribute.

[jilledwards]

I know I'm being silly and probably over reacting but I just can't believe this. What are the odds? I just had all these thoughts coming into my head and I just had to do something. I know I'm going to hug him. I just want to do so much more. He won't be here for a month yet. I hope I will have settle down by then and know how much to tell him or not tell him.

[Ms Jessica]

But I'm torn between feeling so glad to have someone this close that understands and feeling guilty and that it's all my fault somehow. When he left his parents house and moved away his gender identity may have been the reason. Or at least the beginning of something he may not have understood about himself. If I had stood up years ago and told everyone maybe he could have talked to me, maybe the situation with his family would have been different. Maybe it wouldn't have been such a shock when he had a problem with his parents if they already knew about someone else in the family. I feel I owe it to him to be there as much as I can.     

I don't think you can blame yourself for how you behaved in the past, especially without knowing what you know now.  That way lies madness.  It's natural for people, especially trans people, to be secretive.  We aren't well accepted by family (in general), so it's impossible to say that things would have been different for your nephew way back when.  Maybe you both would have been ostracized.  Consider that you are now perfectly placed to help get your nephew welcomed back into the family, and that such a thing is at least better late than never. 

I believe one of C.S. Lewis' Narnia books has something along the lines of you'll never know what might have been.  That path is gone, and all you have left is the one before you.  Something like that.  Can't even remember what book it's from, but I think it's decent enough advice. 

Best of luck!

[jilledwards]

Jessica

Thanks. Your right I'm sure but I can't help but wonder on what might have been. I'm told I have a habit of feeling responsible for everyone. 

I left a message for his sister to call me back I thought I would get his address and I'm thinking of sending him a small gift with a short letter of support and saying I look forward to seeing him or something like that just to touch base

[Ms Jessica]

I think an advance show of support is a very good idea, that way he knows he won't be alone.  I think that's a very good idea.  You ought to be careful not to give away your secret, unless you don't want it to be a secret anymore. 

[heatherrose]

Jill please walk very carefully here. As I read your first post about your new
nephew, I can honestly say I fully understand you excitement and your desire
to protect him. A little over three and a half years ago the discovery of the
fact that my eight year old grandbaby was showing signs indicating that he is
struggling with his own gender identity, seems to be the catalyst of my own
Gender Identity dam break. I was determined that I wasn't going to allow him
to be told that there was something WRONG with him, as my ex started to lay
the ground work for. It all came flooding to the forefront and I realized that
I just couldn't be an advocate for him and denigh my own true self at the
same time. The rest is ancient history. From my own experience, the advice
that I feel comfortable giving to you, if you wish to maintain your status quo,
is tell him that you love him no matter what, you respect his courage in making
such profound steps to find his place in the world and let him know that he
has an ally and confidant in you and that is it. You are extremely close to
some profound changes yourself. Please walk very carefully.

[Meshi]

Get to know him better first.  Id start off just talking with him and if he is open he will let  you know his  feelings on it.  It  would be your  call on if there is enough trust for you to openly disclose your ->-bleeped-<-.  Might just want to say how you feel on the subject first and see how  he  reacts.