Actually, you
do see a reason not to kill yourself. Because as tired of it as you are, you're still fighting. You're still here. You're still reaching out. That means you have a reason to stick around.
Many of us have felt the way you have since early childhood. I realised there was something wrong with my gender when I was 5, but I had no idea what the problem was until I was 19. In those traumatic intervening years, I felt like the only person in the world who felt the way I do. I felt completely, utterly alone. And I had zero support from anywhere, because this happened in South Africa in the 1970s and 1980s; a society that even today is incredibly ignorant of and cruel towards trans people. The Internet wasn't invented until the 1990s so there was no help available there either. There was
nothing. All I knew was that puberty was sending my body in a terrifyingly awful direction, and that it turned me into something I couldn't stand to see in the mirror.
Like you, I was abused. Like you, I was bullied. Like you, I was unloved. Like you, I've made several suicide attempts. I'm also on the autism spectrum (which made everything 1000% worse). I was living in poverty & could see no future for myself. Then when I was your age I read an article about a trans woman and for the very first time in my life I realised not only what was 'wrong' with me, but also that something can be done about it. So I did some research to see whether it was possible to go FtM but the lower surgery options at the time would were woefully inadequate: they'd leave you with something that looks a bit like a penis but without the ability to get an erection, and you'd permanently lose all sexual sensation. That was a sacrifice I wasn't willing to make, so I stuffed myself back in the closet and tried to get on with my studies so I could get out of the hell-hole I was living in.
And that was the best decision I could've made at the time. Because the only way to escape poverty, and abuse, and being in a body that you hate... is to get an education & work your way out of all of that. I found a poorly-paid job and I used that money to pay for college courses, because my abusive family sure as hell weren't going to pay for me to get an education. I had to work hard for a couple of years, but I now have several college qualifications & am well established in my field. Those crappy jobs enabled me to study to earn better jobs, and
that's how you get the money you need to transition.
You know, I hated my body just as much as you hate yours now. It betrayed me & allowed the rest of the world to think that they were right about me and I was wrong. But that traitorous body became the template for what I am now, more than 3 years into my medical transition. Now, nobody would ever think I was assigned female at birth. I pass 100% and even though there are still a few things I need to fix, I'm already a million percent happier in my skin. I'm starting to feel like a normal human being for the first time since I was 5.
And so can you. It takes time, patience and hard work, but it can be done. It can get better. It will.
But you have to be here for that to happen. And you're at that stage in your life where you're going to figure out that you don't have to wait around for people who don't love you to do what they're supposed to do: at your age, you can now strike out on your own and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. So what if they don't care enough to do it? Screw them: you can do it on your own, and the right people - ones who care about you and love you - will come along. You're in a terrible place now, but where will you be when you're 25? When you're 30? When you're 40? Will you give a damn what your parents (or anyone else) might think then? Of course you won't: you're the master of your own destiny. So go grab it. If your life to date has been crappy, I
guarantee that the best days of your life are still ahead.
I'm reminded of a
cartoon that someone here sent me when I was feeling suicidal several years ago. Have a read of that, and then come back here for all the sticks you need.
