Closet and a huge problem

[erty]

  A little info about me first, I am 60 years old and not a single word about what I am about to say here has ever been uttered by me . . . not ever.

I've known my entire life that I was not a man though no amount of time looking in the mirror would confirm that. My earliest memories of "something is wrong" were about at 9 years. I have spent my life depressed, uncertain, mostly celibate, in denial and definitely deep in the closet. I have done many things to put on a front and convince the world that I am what they think they see, a man. I joined the Marine Corp, had a beard etc.  Only one time have I ever acted on this. About 15 years ago I drove across the Mexican border and bought a 3 month supply of estrogen and progesterone. I got stopped by the Border Patrol returning to the US and very nearly was arrested. They kept looking at the hormones and my beard and finally let me and my hormones enter the US. That was about the best 3 months of my life but I never went back for more. I did get some breast growth which to this day I love dearly.

Fast forward to three years ago. I have always hated, detested and despised my testicles and consider them the worst part of me but about 3 years ago they started to hurt, more of an inconvenience than real pain but it did make living with them even more difficult. 6-8 months ago it has turned into pain and I made an appointment with a urologist, had blood test, ultrasound etc. and was told no infection and no cancer, that's really great news but what about the pain I asked the doctor. All he said was that he could find nothing wrong and they shouldn't hurt, live with it. That's great advice considering it's not him in pain. I didn't tell him anything about hating them in the first place or ask him for an orchiectomy even though that is what I was praying for. I made another appointment with a different doctor and had the same tests and same outcome. After the third urologist (last week) and after he told me they shouldn't hurt and offered pain meds I asked him about having an orchiectomy because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life on pain meds and to help with quality of life. Wish I had a camera with me, the look on his face was priceless. He said that I couldn't possibly
have any quality of life without them. No doubt he wanted to have me committed.

I have never dressed as female simply because at 6 foot three an 250 pounds the very best I could hope for is to look like a man in woman's cloths. I have never seriously considered SRS because I never thought I could convince a therapist without dressing full time and I put that out of my mind as best as I could (part of being depressed my whole life). My lifelong dream is to be rid of them things and now that they really do hurt that dream is stronger than ever.

I have no idea right now if would seek HRT (if or after) an orchiectomy, I might, it's a possibility but right now I can't get past getting rid of what I have always hated and more recently are painful to live with. I seriously doubt I will ever seek SRS at 60 years old but HRT is a definite maybe.

I joined this forum hoping for advice from folks with more experience than me. I could sure use some words of encouragement.

erty

[Tammy Hope]

I know for a fact I have read about at least one surgeon who will do an orchy even without the potential of SRS  or anything else

I'm not at all sure but for some reason I'm thinking the city of Chatanooga is connected to this memory.

I hope I'm not violating any rules to say so on this. Maybe someone else here will know about it. I can't believe that it would be impossible to get it done though.

[heatherrose]

Erty,

I am glad that you found you way here. Thank-you for trusting us with this part
of you, I'm sure I know how difficult it was for you to put it into words. Though you
feel your story is unique, I assure you that it is not. You need not feel alone any
longer. I and I am positive that many others with me, understand the burden this
has been for you to carry alone, for so long, but that is no longer necessary.

I would ask that before you seek out someone to perform a surgical procedure
on you, that you find a therapist to confide in. You don't have to worry about
you privacy, You will be treated with the utmost respect. Don't expect, even
though it is possible that you suffer from Gender Identity Disorder, that the first
course of action that they will suggest is SRS. You are and always will be the one
in control of your future. There is so much information on this site and so many
intelligent, caring people. Please, feel free to ask any question or post any vent.

Welcome Home,
Heather Rose.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Erty,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2700 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks
  

I have a surgeon for my orchie, he does do SRS also.  But he does not require you to have SRS planned.  And I have my two letters for the surgery.  Now just to raise the money.

Janet

[Nicky]

Hi Erty!

I think coming here and posting a message was a really brave first step. Well done! Thank you for sharing.

You have had your entire life living with this pain. I think you deserve to find the life you dream of. 60 is not too old, others much older have trodden the path and come out of it very happy women. Certainly there are obstacles but you are an incredibly strong person to have lived with this burden for so long.

I would recommend finding yourself a gender therapist - a local transgender group is likely to have some good leads. I think it will be the best thing you ever do.

Look forward to seeing you around.

[umop ap!sdn]

Welcome, erty! I would not worry about your height/weight being an issue. I'm 6'1" 215 and living fulltime. A few months of HRT and I was passing without even trying to.

[erty]

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I'll survive, I always have but it is really nice to hear the kind words and know that it's not just me. I know that of coarse but I've never had anyone to talk with about this before much less . . . should I need it, a shoulder to cry on.

I emailed a Los Angeles urologist that does SRS (among other things) and asked several questions on orchiectomy, requirements, cost etc. Just have to wait and see if he replies and if so what he has to say.

Can anyone give me a clue on what a therapist might cost? I can't argue that this would be a good place to start and I'll be pretty surprised if the urologist doesn't require it.

Thanks again to all those that replied to my first post.

[Tammy Hope]

Therapy has to do with whether you have insurance that covers it and if not what your income is. Some places do a sliding scale that can go down to around $50 a session but if not, you are probably looking at $125 to $150 a session maybe.

The girls here who have insurance can give you better news about the co-pay if your insurance covers it.