Friends and Friendship

[mtfbuckeye]

It just occurred to me that I only have one close male friend in the world, and he lives 2000 miles away from me. All of my other friends are girls. Thankfully, my lone guy friend (who is my best friend from college) knows I am trans and is supportive of me.

The bigger problem is this: I've had an AWFUL time making new friends since college. Bluntly, college was the ONLY time I was somewhat comfortable socially. Before and after college, I've been a social wreck. I'm 34 now and I have no real friends where I live right now, and in toto, I've probably made like 3 new actual friends since college (and none of them live close to me now).

Being married with kids doesn't help in terms of making new friends either. In fact, my wife has always thought I have unreasonable expectations for friendships... maybe she's right. But now we are moving back to Columbus soon, where she has friends, but I have maybe one real possibility for an actual friendship (a woman I went to grad school with who knows I'm trans).

Can anyone else relate? Things like facebook and susans help, but it really bothers me that lack these friendships IRL. I can't help but think my gender issues contribute to this.. sorry if this became rambling.

[Miniar]

not my fault that the people I happen to get along best with happened to be born on places scattered across the globe and none of 'em here...

I was bullied in school, I didn't make any "irl" friends for 'bout half my life, the internet is half my social life my husband's the other.
I can relate to that much...

but the more I think about it, the more I realize, I don't really care so much where my friends are in relation to myself cause... it's the depth of our friendship that matters and I don't believe I'd have had the stones to walk up to them in person and go "yo, I like your hair" or whatever. I know them and love them because of who we are and how we met which allowed us to form this deep friendship which may have been entirely impossible if situations were different.

[Hannah]

I was talking to my mother about something like this the other day, god bless her trying to loan me old lady clothes...anyway we were talking about relationships and my ex wife, and she looked at me and said "being married ruined you". She didn't say it as harshly as it looks in writing, and the few friends who stuck by me through that marriage agreed. Having been a part of a "we" for so long, I still haven't figured out how to start being "me" again, and I don't think I'll ever be the person I was before. It's too bad, because she was innocent and kind, nothing like I am now.

Your friend from grad school knows you are trans too? Does everyone in your life know or is it still a small group?

What has helped me...a tiny bit...is the local trans support group. Granted, after my first time there I came home and sobbed for like three days because they scared me so badly, but over time I've started forming bonds with a couple of the other members. In the support group setting everybody knows your'e timid and scared and some will take the first steps for you to take the pressure off. It's weird, really, as the hormones start to show and I become visibly deviant, it's getting easier to make friends. Figures.

[mtfbuckeye]

Becca,
About a dozen people know I'm trans, and the reactions ranged from shocked but supportive to "you're going to be such a cute girl! I can't wait to take you shopping!"

That's another part of this that sucks.. I came out to a lot of the people I care about, then a few months later had to tell them "nevermind, I'm not transitioning." I think that made some people question my stability/how serious I was about it. Only a few truly seem to understand that I'm still trans, I just am more focused on keeping my family together.

I'm glad your mom is so supportive, Becca. Mine is "supportive" but very skeptical of whether I am really trans (my mother, who dressed me up as a girl for a talent show when I was 8 and witnessed me repeatedly get mistaken for a girl around that age too)... 

[FairyGirl]

for years I had exactly one friend IRL who lived in the same city as me (a lesbian girl who I now share a house with) and it does suck. However I know that to have friends takes at least a modicum of effort and friendships need to be cultivated like growing a garden.

My roommate is very outgoing and has tons of friends, some of whom have now become my friends as well, especially her girlfriend who is sweet as can be. No denying that it's nice to have friends IRL to go out and do things with, and especially as a woman going out there is always more safety in numbers.

Basically since I've been transitioning and living full time I have begun to develop a lot more friends than I ever had in my old life, which sucks too because I'm moving to Australia soon and have to start all over. But my very best friends have all been those I met on the internet and who live all over the world anyway.

[Michelle.]

We replace our friends on average every seven years. Explains why when I go back more than 10 years, why I stil only maintain contact with one friend of mine.

http://www.livescience.com/culture/090601-social-network.html

[Hannah]

I didn't know you were full time Fairygirl, you must have mentioned it during finals when I was busy being busy. Congrats sweety   

[Ellieka]

You should move to Indiana Buckeye, we would have a blast. I swear I'm the only transsexual in this town.

[FairyGirl]

I didn't know you were full time Fairygirl, you must have mentioned it during finals when I was busy being busy. Congrats sweety   

Thank you Becca It's going on 4 months now

[Eva Marie]

I have a theory about this. Maybe i'm wrong?

As a person with trans tendencies I think that in the early years you don't fit in with your peers. This continues thru adulthood, where you still don't fit in. At least this has been my experience.

So, when you get to the adult years, you have few friends.

I have a couple of very dear friends, and a lot of acquaintances. Getting close to people has always been difficult for me, as there is a trust issue. Over the years as i've been burnt badly over and over again with friends (and even with family), and i've learned to be very, very careful with who I trust. 

Maybe its just me.

[Lara]

I agree that as a transgendered, growing up there is a harder time there connecting with your peers. I have had friends here and there but they never lasted. The best of friends I have had were always people that I have met online, most going through similar things that I am.

I will say that I am fortunate to have a best friend in real life, who is actually my ex girlfriend. We are currently roommates at this time. Though our lives have gone separate ways, she has been my number one support through all of this. Even now that she is pregnant and starting a family of her own, there is nothing stopping her from being there when I need her.

So where as I feel that being transgendered is a reason that I have had so much trouble with making friends, I think that it is also the reason that I gained some of the best friends that a person could have.

[Agent_J]

I'm another who never got the friends thing.  By most definitions, I've had few at best, and really none from kindergarten through finishing college.  Generally, I had little to no chance to have contact with fellow students outside of school (dad's view was that if I had the time and energy to do that I had enough to do more farm chores,) and the chances in school were very limited for a variety of reasons (k-12 in particular as the administration took a dim view of it.)  I don't doubt the trans issues presented problems but I suspect I'd have the same results even without that as other issues were the far greater factor.

Through the years, though, I've reached a point where I'm okay with the fact that "hanging out with friends" isn't part of my life.  I'm obviously not saying everyone should, only that one shouldn't feel they have just because others do.

[Cindy]

I also have no male friends, I have a few girl friends and some very close friends on the internet via Susan's. My theory is that TG people do not get the opportunity to develop the social cues throughout our teenage years for the gender that we are. FtM's don't get the guy growing up stuff and MtF's don't get the girl emotion talking stuff. We just get what we don't want.

Very difficult to catch up later. I think it maybe easier for MtF's to form friendships with other women than it is for FtM's to make friends with other guys. In my experience (limited as it is) guys are a bit paranoid about sexuality.

Just my 2 cents worth

Cindy

[heatherrose]

My theory is that TG people do not get the opportunity to develop the
social cues throughout our teenage years for the gender that we are.

DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING

You get to pick a prize from the top shelf!!!


When you walk by someone do you avert your eyes from them?
When was the last time you smiled at a stranger?
Or dare I say... said hello in passing?


Here it is in a nutshell:

To gain a friend you have to be willing to be a friend.

(in whiny voice) "But they might not like me or maybe they'll have a problem with ~shudder~ "transfolk".

A male friend of mine, who was not really all that good looking, used to get patty
caked every night, if he so chose. He would go into a bar and ask every girl in the
bar through the course of the night, if they wanted to play patty cake. Sure he got
slapped or cussed out a few times but if he so chose, he never went home alone.


If you want to find a friend you have to be willing to put yourself out there.

[Jaimey]

Until about March of this year, I had one very small group of friends that I did everything with...which normally would be fine, but I live with two of them and all that togetherness with these two is enough to drive anyone nuts.  So I decided that it was time to make some new friends, which, like everyone else, I've had a lot of trouble with.

What I did was search online for groups that I'm interested in.  I joined a local paranormal group (I just did a general search), a writing group (through yahoo groups), and met one other trans person on the local mojo site (a lot of cities have these...like a local myspace).  The internet is a great way of meeting local people and I especially recommend finding local interest groups. 

[Eva Marie]

To gain a friend you have to be willing to be a friend.

This is not a problem. I'm totally willing to be a friend. Connecting with other males seems to be a non-starter though. Something about bringing a women's point of view into the male locker room hits a sour note every time. But I can't help it 

Striking up relations with women is also fraught with pitfalls since i'm a married man. Some might get the wrong idea.

The people that I may be able to connect with seem to be few and far between. So i've learned to be alone a lot of the time