Ok, so I have a lot to cover here and don't know how coherent I will be. I went shopping the other day and got some clothes, which was pretty fun and I miss my friends already =/
Anyway, so today, my life seems to have gone to freaking hell or something. I'm having trouble possibly paying for school, and I've been asked to move back to my parents house. Throw in other problems it just makes it all REALLY stressful. I don't know what I'm going to do if things don't work out. My family I was living with before was aware I was at lack of understanding my identity and that it made life very hard and empty for me to function even to get stuff like a job.
Only now that I am getting counseling I am beginning to take real steps towards learning myself. But everything hits me all at once in a bad way and knocks me back 10 steps. I've had to rely on others for help and that's about up, so because of my depression, and horrible events of last year really set me back to the point that I couldn't do everything I NEEDED to do to keep things going.
So what can I do now? When I was wearing the clothes earlier I didn't feel necessarily uncomfortable, comfortable, or anything....just like more idk...normal. I had second thoughts about it, but like even amidst the crisis of my life right now, it didn't seem so bad. Was I living in a dream world and going back to male clothes coming out of it? Or if I was being more true is it that peace that gives me the ability to think more clearly and less depressed at a situation I need to face? But I can't necessarily wear the clothes regularly either, so that makes it even more tough.
If I've already fallen far back enough cause of initially my mom finding out about my GID and kicking me back several steps, then struggling with my identity still like I've been for so long, that I can only go up now and start being true and just go forward with things? Mom doesn't mind me doing things so much now cause she knows I won't tolerate her trying to suppress me, and maybe I need to take that step and finally come out of the closet to live life as the girl I am? If I'm already in a bad enough spot, lack of support for school from others in my family do to economic reasons, and other factors, maybe all I can go is build up from here?
