hey i guess

[cblucky21]

my name is john i dont really have a tg name. anyway i guess its good to put a little bit about myself. I've felt feminine since i was 6 years old but never acknowledged it until tonight i am currently 19 turning 20 this year. I've been through tons of counseling and numerous suicide attempts and nobody could ever figure out what was wrong. i always have been jealous of girls, everything about them. but all of these emotions i had always hid. i did everything from General Labor jobs to Combat in the Military to try and make up some sort of masculinity. i always felt like it was just a confusion. well last night i opened up to my best friend about everything and she was... very understanding and i guess for the first time in. well forever i really felt happy. but now i keep thinking more and more that maybe SRS is what i need and ive been studying it for awhile. and like everything says it takes 2 years of counseling and loads of money which i have neither the financial means to afford or even wait that long. my depression and disgust with my body has gotten so bad i started cutting, and having suicidal ideations which i havnt had for quite some time. in the past month the police have been to my place 3 times, i call suicide hotlines  almost daily. and worse yet i cannot tell my family about this. i CANNOT. and im stuck in like this huge hole i just dont know what to do so i came to some forums. so, here i am!

[K8]

Welcome to the forum, John.   And welcome to the lfe of the transgendered.

Your story is similar to many here.  Admitting to yourself who and what you are is a big step.  It sounds like you are doing that.  Becoming who you are is a long, sometimes painful process.  It sounds like you have just started that.  Good luck to you.

IMHO, you shouldn't worry about SRS or how long it takes to get to that point.  That's off in the distant future somewhere.  When you're fighting somebody behind the next tree, you don't want to be obsessing abut someone in the next town.  You'll get there, and you can worry about him later.

Now that you have an idea of the general direction you want to go - towards resolving your gender issues - you can start working on that slowly.  You've made a huge step telling your friend - congratulations.  The next step is to find someone trained to help you - a therapist.  It doesn't have to be a gender specialist, just someone you are comfortable working with and who can help you.

Let us know how you're doing.  Many of us have been where you are and will be pulling for you.

*hugs*
Kate

[cblucky21]

Thank you. my biggest problem right now is the worst ive ever experienced and ive been through alot. i see it as, I have a choice. I can go through with everything and give up my entire family (who will not and wont understand) for a chance at being actually happy. OR continue with my life as it is being unemployed and losing my house in 5 days and keep this family that quite honestly wont help me but still "loves me". i just dont know what to do and im going to call a specialist in like 4 hours when it opens but im so distressed right now i like cant even close my eyes.

[finewine]

[...] I can go through with everything and give up my entire family (who will not and wont understand) for a chance at being actually happy. OR continue with my life as it is being unemployed and losing my house in 5 days and keep this family that quite honestly wont help me but still "loves me". [...]

Welcome - and no matter how bleak things seem, there'll be someone here who can relate.  Hang in there!

On the family front, you seem convinced that the cannot and will not understand - sometimes that turns out to be true, sometimes it just takes a long time for them to come around.  If they really do love you, then hopefully the latter will be the case.   For each traumatic coming out experience, there seem to be quite a few "oh that wasn't so bad" experiences too.

Separate and clarify the issues.  Separate being unemployed and facing losing your house from your gender identity crisis (I doubt living in denial will help with either the employment or house situation).  Sometimes the only way to cope is to tackle life one step at a time.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi John,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2700 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

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Your story sounds familiar.  Many of us have been there.  Including myself with the three attempts.

Janet