New here - confused

[confused1996]

Hey all - I found this site from a resources list that my mom gave me from the dr, not really sure what to say,  my mom would absolutely freak if i was on a adult site - and my dad would ground me like forever probably. Anyhew, i spose just really confused at the moment - it's kind of embarassing y I'm on here - it's not really easy to talk about, i'm so mad right now at the whole situation - first the dr didn't nkow wat was going on, and now they tell me i have to make a choice of gender?!?!?!?!? or i won't be normal i guess - is there anyone out there that is like me? am i just a big freak of nature? sorry to go on and on......

help!

[Janet_Girl]

Hi confused,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2700 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks
  

Please be aware that we monitor the site, you are safe here.  And do not state any personal data, unless you are over the age of 18.  No age, no address, no phone numbers. No DIY HRT regiments, we don't condone doing it yourself.

Janet

[finewine]

[...] Anyhew, i spose just really confused at the moment - it's kind of embarassing y I'm on here - it's not really easy to talk about, i'm so mad right now at the whole situation - first the dr didn't nkow wat was going on, and now they tell me i have to make a choice of gender?!?!?!?!? or i won't be normal i guess - is there anyone out there that is like me? am i just a big freak of nature? sorry to go on and on......

help!

Welcome!  The good news is that you've tapped into a diverse community with lots of experience and willing to support you.  Nobody knows who you are, so take a deep breath, put any embarrassment aside and tell us all about it.  Hopefully you'll feel a little better just by letting it all out!

[confused1996]

Thanks - i suppose it started when i started growing breasts.....see im a boy, except that i think i might not be, i mean i don't feel like one not really. i started growing breasts and then hips - my mom took me to the dr and it turns out i don't have any ummm testicles (at least thats the proper name) so then we went to see a specialist, a endocrinologist who said that she had to do a bunch of tests and blood work. after all that, we had to see her again, this time with a shrink in the room. they said that i have a problem called 46 XX Syndrome and that genetically i'm a girl. and that i have girl parts inside of me. which really is wierd cuz i have a penis and have been a boy my whole life but i never really felt like i belong either so now i'm really confused. i have to choose between taking testasterone or haveing surgury to be a girl or take other medicines to stop me from having a period. the dr (shrink) gave a list of websites and other stuff to my mom he said that talking to "his peers" may help me. idk, but it really sucks. i mean i've thought about what it'd be like to be a girl an it doesn't seem so bad really i mean i really never felt like a boy boy any way i always wanted to play house and stuff an i've started to sorta be a girl at home but i;m still confused idk what to do

[finewine]

[...] they said that i have a problem called 46 XX Syndrome and that genetically i'm a girl. and that i have girl parts inside of me.

Right I understand what that is and now I see why you are feeling this way.

which really is wierd cuz i have a penis and have been a boy my whole life but i never really felt like i belong either so now i'm really confused. i have to choose between taking testasterone or haveing surgury to be a girl or take other medicines to stop me from having a period. the dr (shrink) gave a list of websites and other stuff to my mom he said that talking to "his peers" may help me. idk, but it really sucks. i mean i've thought about what it'd be like to be a girl an it doesn't seem so bad really i mean i really never felt like a boy boy any way i always wanted to play house and stuff an i've started to sorta be a girl at home but i;m still confused idk what to do

Hopefully they've explained what 46,XX is - basically you have male anatomy but female chromosomes resulting in testosterone deficiency and from the sounds of it DSD (Disorder of Sexual Development) with the resultant effects like breast development.

I completely understand why this is confusing for you but I offer some points of consideration:

We're socially conditioned into viewing gender in binary terms; either male or female.  You have been given the "gift" of getting a choice.  I put that in quotes because it may not seem like a gift but based on some of the struggles I've seen folks here work through, I think it may be a good idea to think of it that way.

Secondly, follow your heart - whatever your intrinsic mental gender identity is.  It may be that you're confused because that's never been clear and this experience is calling that ambiguity out.  Well, that's ok - despite the binary gender convention, it's *your* choice.  There are some folks here who live in entirely gender-ambivalent, androgynous identities.

Take your time to chat with folks here - it's important that you're comfortable with whichever direction you subsequently take, especially as this is likely to involve HRT, surgery, etc. if you decide to align physically with one particular gender.

I sincerely wish you all the best - there are people here with an order of magnitude more understanding and direct experience than me, hopefully you'll here from them soon.

J.

[confused1996]

"Hopefully they've explained what 46,XX is "

yeah, they explained it. i had another therapy appointment today, and it didn't go so well. this all started in december of last year right b/4 christmas. and i started to sorta be a girl at home (like act like one sorta dress like one sorta that kinda thingy) in late january and dr felkner said today that i needed to make a choice soon so i can "make an adjustmant before the school year starts". i don't want to choose imean its ok to be a girl at home but how can i do that were every 1 can see me? how do u all do it? isnt it hard? but its hard hiding it to an its embarasing 4 people to know i have boobs an be a guy to. its even werrd talkng about it on here (an my ty[ing sucks to)

-confused

[fae_reborn]

Hi confused, welcome to Susan's.  As Janet said, you're safe here and among family.  Hopefully we can help you along your own path towards not being "confused."

First, I would like to say that I don't think it's fair for your doctor to be pushing you to make a decision like this so quickly.  I mean, you just found out that you have this, and it doesn't sound like you've had much time to digest it.  Unless there is a medical reason to make an immediate decision, i.e. your life is threatened, then you should take the time to make the right choice for you and no one else, because HRT and gender surgery are irreversible and permanent.

Second, yes, this is very scary, and at times difficult for all of us.  Believe me, I may not be in the same situation as you are now, but there was a time early on when I was scared out of my mind.  But, I took the time, searched inside myself to find the right choice, and once I made that choice I did what I needed to, and I didn't let anything get in the way.  Today, I'm living happily as a woman and accepted by those around me.  There's still some issues to work on, but I'm pretty much through the woods.  I'm sure you will get there too, as many of us have.

Yes, some people will react badly if you decide to be a girl or boy, and you just need to ignore them.  Others will support you whatever you decide, including us here and those around you that really care for your well-being.  It sounds like your family is supportive, since you said you have been "acting" like a girl around the house.

Please check out the Wiki here on Susan's for links to more information to help you in your decision.  Also, two sites that really helped me out are Andrea James' TS Roadmap, and Lynn Conway's website:

http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/conway.html

Best of luck hun!  Let us know what's going on, and like I said, we'll try our best to support and guide you.

[Tammy Hope]

i mean i've thought about what it'd be like to be a girl an it doesn't seem so bad really i mean i really never felt like a boy boy any way i always wanted to play house and stuff an i've started to sorta be a girl at home but i;m still confused idk what to do

I know that what I'm about to say will seem to be VERY challenging but it's the best advice I have.

Lay aside EVERY thought of what other will think, what they will say, how they will judge or sneer or whatever (you will be surprised how many don't but that's beside the point)

the core of this decision - the only thing that matters - is how you feel about yourself. IF you find peace and comfort in being a girl at home, if you can look at yourself in the metaphorical mirror and see a girl and LIKE it, if you could make a magic wish and wake up in the morning having always been one or the other (and thus not having to deal with the social pressures you are worried about) and you would chose to wake up female...

Then I would say do NOT let the concerns and worries about what others will say or think stop you from that. So many of us live our whole lives worried about others and end up right in the same place decision wise having passed up 30 or 40 years of living according to who we really are.

You have the chance to avoid that. Now I'm NOT advocating for female over male - if you answer the questions above in the reverse...if your comfort zone and self image is male, then that's great too.

all I'm saying is you have to live with yourself first, you don't have to have the approval of schoolmates or whatever.


As an aside, you might could talk to your parents about changing schools or maybe homeschooling for a year in order to take the time pressure off the decision.

[Osiris]

Well being in a state of confusion is not a great place to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life. Perhaps you can suggest that nothing be done until you can figure out which step you want to take. You seem to know all options that are available to you. So really you just need to figure out exactly who you are and where you want to go (this is a hard thing to do under pressure). Another possibility is in the end you might decide that you don't want to take any steps and are happy with your body as it is.

The key thing is to be YOU whatever that may be.

Anyways, welcome to Susan's.

[Tammy Hope]

Is that an option though?

As the OP describes it, they are giving him a choice that implies he HAS to address it medically one way or another.

[V M]

It would be a good idea to decide for yourself. But you should not feel pressured or coerced into a decision. If you need more time to decide, that is your prerogative. Look inside yourself. Only you know how you self identify. A boy? A girl? A mix of both? What is most comfortable for you? You will always have friends here either way 

Welcome to Susan's 

[Osiris]

It should be a choice. As far as I can tell there are no life threatening risks. The rush is that the school year starts soon and they want to have gender binary chosen by then. But what it comes down to is that it's THEIR body. (using gender neutral pronouns as they haven't seemed to pick a gender they identify as). They should choose what to do with it. If they chose nothing or nothing for now that should be an acceptable option.

[Michelle.]

Confused,

First things first, welcome to Susans.

Secondly you mentioned, "we went to see a specialist, a endocrinologist who said that she had to do a bunch of tests and blood work. after all that, we had to see her again, this time with a shrink in the room.". Later you added, "dr felkner said today that i needed to make a choice soon so i can "make an adjustmant before the school year starts".

Is "Dr. Felkner" your shrink or your endo? If this Dr. is your shrink does s/he have experience with gender/intersex conditions?

If your not currently seeing a shrink/therapist who specializes in gender/intersex conditions, I highly recommend that you do so before pursuing hormones or surgeries.

Finally you begain with, "my mom would absolutely freak if i was on a adult site - and my dad would ground me like forever probably."

I guess you could label Susans as an "adult site". However this is because we discuss issues of a serious nature. Serious enough that the consequences/results of our actions have life long implications. That being the case, I'm sorry that you've had to grow up fast. But as others have mentioned this is a great place to find help in doing just that.

Best of luck to ya'... Mich'

[Tammy Hope]

It should be a choice. As far as I can tell there are no life threatening risks. The rush is that the school year starts soon and they want to have gender binary chosen by then. But what it comes down to is that it's THEIR body. (using gender neutral pronouns as they haven't seemed to pick a gender they identify as). They should choose what to do with it. If they chose nothing or nothing for now that should be an acceptable option.

Well no, and I agree and said as much...the school schedule should NOT drive this (I homescool my kids and always have and I have a very well developed skepticism for allowing all of a child's life to be driven by public school)

What I meant was - it sounded like there was a medical timetable - the thing about stopping the period or not and such - that was forcing a binary choice.

If not then I agree with your comments.

[Audrey]

I agree with the "dont rush it" philosophy as far as any medical intervention, ie having to choose.   But I really would get into therapy and figure this out.  After therapy you can make an informed decision about what direction, if any, you want to go.

[bernii]

Welcome Welcome Welcome Confused!!

Sweetie, you are safe now. Hon, one step at a time. Confused you there is no pressure. Taking things slowly and carefully is the right way to go. Read the forums hon we are here for you. You will see that we all are evolving as you are. Post, post, post sweetie. As you read what others have to say and you post your thoughts, you will see yourself even more clearly.

inch by inch your life's a cinch

Welcome Hon!!!

HUGS

Brenda

[heatherrose]

Sweety,

Welcome and please feel at home. It may not feel like it but you are very lucky.
You have a choice. Many people (who refer to themselves as being born "Intersexed")
such as yourself have had this choice made for them before they were able to
speak for themselves and for many that choice turned out not to be the right one.
Unless there is a pressing MEDICAL issue that is forcing an immediate decision,
you have from here to....whenever YOU feel comfortable. The decision that
you make now will effect your quality of life for a very long time.
Don't let anyone force you into any quick decisions.

Have you sat down with your folks and discussed this with them or were you
just handed a bunch of papers and told, "Make a decision." How would they
feel if you didn't make a choice right now. How do you feel about not making
a choice right now. I'm sure your parents love you and only want you to have
the best life possible but adults get freaked when faced with issues of
"uncertain gender". Before all this came down, did you feel like there was
something terribly WRONG with you or did you just feel like YOU? There is
NOTHING WRONG with the way you are as long as you are not in some sort of
physical, medical danger.

Have you asked the doctors, "Aside from the school year starting in a few
months, is there a medical reason why I absolutely need to make a choice."
Doctors want to help, it is their job. They are human beings like everybody
and they like to be in control and do what they think is best for their
patients. As long as there is no medical emergency what is best for you is to
make up you own mind or if you're comfortable with it, make no decision at
all. No one else can see inside your mind nor can they see into the
future and be able to tell if you might change you mind. You are very young
and you have a very long life ahead of you. Your future happiness is in your
hands. Don't let anyone take that power away from you.

Best Thoughts and Wishes,
Heather Rose.

[confused1996]

wow - thank you so much for being here. i just had a really long talk with my mom and i guess the only choice i have to make right now is wether to make a choice. on monday i go see the endocrinologist and all i have to do is either make a choice or tell her im not ready and ill start some sort of medication to prevent the start of anymore and to control wats already going on as far as body things. dr. felkner is my therapist an my mom doesn't agree with her she said that no matter wat shed always love me an her an dad r fine with me "walking a middle line" for a wile. that she was fine with me being a girl or a boy. idk but im pretty sure im a girl i just dont know wats going to hapen it scares me an how can i feel like a girl wen i grew up a boy i mean i read about it here in the forums and wiki but is this the same thing? anyhow i cant use chat at home cuz of my younger sisters we have a filter that stops it ill try at the library tomorow. it helps that you r al so helpful thogh. thank u!

[Tammy Hope]

wow - thank you so much for being here. i just had a really long talk with my mom and i guess the only choice i have to make right now is wether to make a choice. on monday i go see the endocrinologist and all i have to do is either make a choice or tell her im not ready and ill start some sort of medication to prevent the start of anymore and to control wats already going on as far as body things. dr. felkner is my therapist an my mom doesn't agree with her she said that no matter wat shed always love me an her an dad r fine with me "walking a middle line" for a wile.

That is all great news. You are SO blessed to have parents who are being so supportive and understanding and not putting more on you than you can handle. Or forcing a choice in one direction or the other.

that she was fine with me being a girl or a boy. idk but im pretty sure im a girl i just dont know wats going to hapen it scares me an how can i feel like a girl wen i grew up a boy i mean i read about it here in the forums and wiki but is this the same thing?

We all travel different roads hun. I'm sure there are some among us who have had conditions similar to yours, while many others here (myself included) have to confront it with no medical evidence that it's not just "in our heads" and probably a hundred other shades in between.

First let me say that I'm not 100% certain what you are asking so forgive me if I misunderstand but if you are asking "How can I feel like a girl?" in the sense of "how could this happen?" then I would say - and you probably have already read - that it's just as easy, more so I guess since it seems to be more common, for your brain to be "cross gendered" than it is for your body.

If you "feel like a girl" it's because (most likely) you have a female brain. And that is something set apart from how you were raised. Almost all (probably don't need the "almost") of the girls on this forum were raised and grew up as boys. But we knew in our inner selves that didn't feel right. So what I'm saying here is that yes it is quite possible to grow up a boy and feel like a girl. I would assume given your condition it's far more likely in fact.

I admit though, that there are those here who have far more to give in the way of advice than i do and I really and probably speaking when I should be quiet on this point.

The bigger thing to me is your other remark which you have said a few times - "idk what's going to happen"

I wonder if you would clarify what it is you are worried about there. Do you mean medically? you don't know what the doctors will have to do and etc? Or do you mean socially? you don't know how the world will treat you and how you'll fit in at school and so forth? How you will "learn to be a girl" as it were?

On the former I'd defer to folks wiser than me, but on the social question I think you could get a lot of great advice here. One thing occurs to me right off -  the girls in your school will almost certainly take you in as "one of them" right away. And for most of the guys (bully types aside) they will take their lead from that. And the girls will probably delight in getting you "up to speed" on "girl things"

I'd bet it wouldn't be nearly as stressful as you might fear.

[Miniar]

This is a big decision and shouldn't be rushed.
I would suggest you ask for more time to really figure out which way you want to go because you don't want to pick something in a hurry and then realize later on it wasn't the right choice.