Slight Fear of Men

[Danya]

The other day I had a frightening experience.

After work I stopped at a market to do a little shopping. I was arranging somepapers before getting out of my car and noticed a man sitting in his car across from me, perhaps 40 feet away. I saw his wife or girlfriend go inside to shop (what a gentleman). He stared at me the whole time.

I got out of my car and went inside to get a few things. When I returned he was still there and as I was arranging things he still stared. As I left I had to drive quite close to him and as I passed him he made kissing gestures at me. He was in his twenties and unshaven. It was a little gross but I did not think too much of it.

But that night, I became very fearful and actually started crying quite hard when I described it to my friend on skype. I was thinking what if this guy somehow discovered he was attracted to and coming onto a TS??? What would he do? Would he be violent?

This scares me. Guys look at me quite often and there have been other situations similar to the above. I am in no way beautiful but I believe I am borderline pretty. I have to say this is really the only issue I am concerned about regarding transitioning (except anorexia), everything else has been smooth as silk.

I suppose I just have to exercise extreme caution, my therapist has advised me to stay out of certain areas and situations and not to go to some places by myself. I decided long ago to just not look at flirting men. I guess there is not much else to do but does anyone have any further advice or ways of coping? This was the second sort of panic attack I have had in the last four months.

Thanks

[heatherrose]

You don't need to be terrified but don't become complacent. Be aware
or your surroundings and keep a level head. Do not put yourself into
situations where a woman born female would not allow her self
to be in. If you feel vulnerable, perhaps you should take a
self defense course to reinforce your self confidence.

[Nero]

Do not put yourself into
situations where a woman born female would not allow her self
to be in.

This. Some awareness and concern is good, or natural I should say, because you do need to be more cautious and aware than perhaps you were living as male. But don't live in fear either.

[Inphyy]

Me also...I feel the same; I haven't been on E like you, I am still a teenager...But I can blend well as an women even while not on any hormones--But what freaks me out is; I have a female voice, long hair, I'm really skinny, I wear make up and wear skinny jeans...But every now and then...

Certain people come up and ask me questions like, How'd you do your make up? Oh...Your outfit is strange but cute.

This puts me on the spotlight and many times when people come up to me for whatever reason(s) it's for...I feel very uncomfortable and it feels like they are trying to find me out with their eyes; Cause it always seems like they don't know about me--But they get the feeling that there is something "odd" about me.

[placeholdername]

Me also...I feel the same; I haven't been on E like you, I am still a teenager...But I can blend well as an women even while not on any hormones--But what freaks me out is; I have a female voice, long hair, I'm really skinny, I wear make up and wear skinny jeans...But every now and then...

Certain people come up and ask me questions like, How'd you do your make up? Oh...Your outfit is strange but cute.

This puts me on the spotlight and many times when people come up to me for whatever reason(s) it's for...I feel very uncomfortable and it feels like they are trying to find me out with their eyes; Cause it always seems like they don't know about me--But they get the feeling that there is something "odd" about me.

Well one thing you could do is embrace oddness in a way that people just accept you as odd, rather than odd-and-I-wonder-what-it-is.  I'm jealous of your female voice though, that's the thing I want second-most of all at the moment .

[Inphyy]

Well one thing you could do is embrace oddness in a way that people just accept you as odd, rather than odd-and-I-wonder-what-it-is.  I'm jealous of your female voice though, that's the thing I want second-most of all at the moment .

The Female voice is really easy, you just practice falsetto a lot until you can adjust the fake squeaky voice and your normal voice and find a middle harmony! :]

But maybe it also has to do with me not eating meat which has male hormones and the fact that I constantly sing songs by females all the time to feminize the voice.

Bad thing...?

Is I sound really masculine on the phone (But so does my Mom), everyone thinks me and my mom are the same person on the phone...No one can ever tell us apart; Likely because of our naturally sort-of deep Southern voices. (Despite being born in OK!) LOL! 

[placeholdername]

I'm not much of a singer, then again I always felt bad/wrong about my voice to begin with.  I do need to try practicing the female voice thing but it's hard to find opportunities when I live in a house with 3 people who I haven't told yet .

[Inphyy]

I'm not much of a singer, then again I always felt bad/wrong about my voice to begin with.  I do need to try practicing the female voice thing but it's hard to find opportunities when I live in a house with 3 people who I haven't told yet .

When singing female songs...You don't have to sound very feminine...Before I "came out", I use to sing female songs--But not as high...I would sing just under the minimal of a female voice to sound a bit male-ish...And would get away with it.

It's not about even singing high, just singing! Even if you sound bad, singing no matter what or how high...Will open up your vocals to changes that you could revise later on.

Speaking of singing and mixing and tying this in with the thread. I have slight fears when men hear me sing, cause I can hit (Some decent high notes) but I usually sing in a deep but yet girl-sounding voice...So sometimes men go!  () 'cause I get really low sometimes! LOL.

[maidenprincess]

Of course you want to be cautious when dealing with certain types of men.  But some are just lame, like that guy.  I'm sorry you let him affect you in such a distressing way.  I hope you don't believe that all men are going to end up doing something to scare you.  You don't say whether you are gay or straight, but if you are attracted to men, this fear could definitely affect future relationships.  Men are flirtatious, especially to pretty girls.  It doesn't make them a predator for flirting with you.  This guy you saw was weird, though, I agree.  I would have been like, "WTF?"  Lol.

[K8]

I suppose I just have to exercise extreme caution, my therapist has advised me to stay out of certain areas and situations and not to go to some places by myself. I decided long ago to just not look at flirting men. I guess there is not much else to do but does anyone have any further advice or ways of coping? This was the second sort of panic attack I have had in the last four months.

Listen to your therapist, dear.  I've found I'm more cautious but think that's a good thing.  Women - both cis-women and trans-women - are more vulnerable in our society than are men.  For instance, I lock my car doors when I get in it after filling up at a gas station; I never even thought of doing that as a guy.

Not looking at flirting men may have some drawbacks.  I don't think that you want to look cowed because some men will be attracted because they see they are making you nervous (overpopwering you).  Usually, but not always, it might be better to look confident and unconcerned.

Fitting into our new gender role is a lot more complicated than it first appears, huh?

- Kate 

[Hannah]

The Female voice is really easy, you just practice falsetto a lot until you can adjust the fake squeaky voice and your normal voice and find a middle harmony

Oh, is that all? Silly me I thought it was pretty damn hard.

When I *have* to go out at night I find tying my hair in a low pony with it pulled behind the ears gives a lower key look. You either expose enough boyness to be left alone or female homliness, depending on the shape of your head. Anyway you shouldn't have just a slight fear, when they get into the condition your'e talking about men are absolute animals. Speaking of which, do you have a dog? A good dog is better than any revolver because it can't be taken from you and used on you, and they like going out at night. There's also alarms, pepper spray...

To be fair to normal men though, this guy does sound like a bit of a freak.

[Valerie Elizabeth]

Oh, is that all? Silly me I thought it was pretty damn hard.

When I *have* to go out at night I find tying my hair in a low pony with it pulled behind the ears gives a lower key look. You either expose enough boyness to be left alone or female homliness, depending on the shape of your head. Anyway you shouldn't have just a slight fear, when they get into the condition your'e talking about men are absolute animals. Speaking of which, do you have a dog? A good dog is better than any revolver because it can't be taken from you and used on you, and they like going out at night. There's also alarms, pepper spray...

To be fair to normal men though, this guy does sound like a bit of a freak.

Dog's are a great idea.  I have a Great Dane.  She is a puppy (and a monster puppy at that).

Just be careful with less lethal weapons.  I talked about it sorta in another thread so, I want do it again.  Just be careful.  We had a situation yesterday, where a person got tasered and was completely unfazed.

[Tank Grrl]

Yeah, that guy was a freak/perv! You have to learn how to interact with men now that you are female. it really helps if you have natal female friends, they can give you a lot of advice. Some men truly are appalling and should be castrated. I was going to suggest you read my post about what happened to me, but I don't want to make you more paranoid. I find the best thing to do is ignore guys that are checking me out. What other people think is none of my business anyhow.
but that being said, you still gotta watch your back and have your 'radar' turned on.

[noir]

I'd like to fancy our society ideal, but even with the LGBT/women rights movements going around, we are still at danger from men. No, they're not born with an urge to beat or you know, but with a little alcohol consumption, someone you know can turn into a completely different person. The fact is we just don't know, and that's where personal responsibility comes into play.

You, and everyone else should invest time into self-defense courses. Why let yourself be caught off guard when something does happen? Being paranoid about it simply won't do, you need to take it into your hands to be sure you can take care of yourself should the situation arise, other than doing that, it's all up to fate.

[heatherrose]

Any self defense course, worth it's salt, first teaches
you how to avoid needing to defend yourself.

[aurora17]

I am very afraid of men, having been raped twice in my childhood...
And now that I am transitioning, I get some "you look pretty in women's clothing" more and more often.
When it's coming from women, I just like it. But it is also coming from men, and men who don't like people like us too... so yes, I understand that you are scared.
Just let's be very very careful. We know what men are capable of.

[Danya]

Thanks for the replies, they are reassuring. Yes, this guy was a freak, the only other times anything similar happened was walking near a group of drunk men. Believe me I only did that one time, how stupid it was to do it, a couple days later I came across a very noisy group of construction workers having lunch. I went very far out of my way to avoid them.

Oddly enough I did take martial arts classes but it was about 15 years ago. The first thing I realized even back then was that the best lesson of martial arts is avoiding situations because while I was small then, 5'8" perhaps 125 to 130 lbs, I could more than hold my own in the controlled tae kwon do environment but would have stood no chance on the street. Now I am 110 to 115 lbs and it would be hopeless so using my brain is really the only option.

I am straight (mostly) so unreasonable fear and avoidance could be a problem.