pronouns

[questions]

I feel horrible.  It has been about 2 years since my brother came out to us as an FTM.  And only when he is in my presence do I still slip on the gender pronouns.  Anytime he is not around me I always use he, him etc. But I catch myself constantly starting to say she/ her when he is around.  Just wondering when this will stop, or if this is normal?

Also, I have the hardest time talking to people about the past.  When I am telling a story from childhood is it ok to use their former name/ pronoun?

thanks

[Nero]

My family slips too. When it happens, don't make a big deal apologizing. Just correct yourself like 'she... no, he'. I really don't get offended when people slip, though I may cringe on the inside a bit, I don't blame them for messing up. They've known me as 'she' forever. It takes some time.

far as childhood, it'd be best if you could use the current name/pronoun. also depends on who you're talking to.

[colormyworld]

I wouldn't worry about it too much, as long as you are trying. You've known your brother as a 'she' for much longer than as a 'he', so it will take a bit of time to re-train your brain.

It took me probably about 2 years to finally stop calling my brother "Jeffy" all the time. I had called him "Jeffy" for 7 years, then he no longer would let me use his "baby name", and wanted just "Jeff" like his friends all called him. It never felt natural to use Jeff, so I call him by his full name "Jeffrey" all the time now!

So don't feel too bad! I had a hard time with a simple change in variation of name!  I'm sure he won't be mad at the occasional slip, as long as he knows you are trying! And just make sure you try REALLY REALLY SUPER hard when around people that don't/may not know his past, as to not accidently 'out' him! Never a good thing!

Talking about the past is an iffy subject, I'd say use the current name and pronoun unless he does differently in the situation. It would probably be best to discuss it with him. You also may need to watch which stories you tell to who, again you don't want to accidently 'out' him to someone that doesn't know his past. Who he tells and when he tells them should always be left up to him!

Good luck to you and your brother!

[K8]

Pronouns are tough.  It takes a long time for us to see others as they are now rather than as we have known them for years.  My sister slips sometimes.  I worked all day yesterday doing construction work with a male friend.  (He worked; I helped.)  In the beginning he called me Kate regularly, but as we both got tired he called me by my old name more and more.

I agree that you don't want to out your brother to others, but I've found that when I tell a story of my past to a close friend I usually think of myself as "he" because that was what I (reluctantly) was.

I think that those of us with longer histories with the TG person have a harder time adjusting.  Just do the best you can and love your brother.

- Kate