Coming out at school. Help?

[Patrick]

Alright, so, I posted this in the coming out sub-section on here, but no one replied, and therefore I am reposting.

Well, for the last year or so, people in my school have known about me being trans. Most of them know but don't try to call me Patrick, and still use my birth name, while very few (about 10 people) at least make an effort to abide by my wishes.

On my birthday, September 8th, I will be returning to school as a boy for the first time. I would have talked to my teachers in person by then, and asked them to use male pronouns and my chosen name, and I would've already sent out a letter to all my friends addressing my concerns.

I know it may take some time, but I'd like to help educate the kids in my school (somehow, not sure how) about my issues so that they can better help me along. I mean, they are my friends, right? (Well, I know they may just turn out to be evil scum, but I'm trying to be optimistic.)

My questions for you are: how can I make this as painless as possible? How can I talk to my teachers about it before school school starts? How can I deal with those who don't make an effort or the kids who harass me? How to I start writing my letter?

Augh, I need help. =(

Thank you. Hopefully people will reply.

[TamTam]

All I know is.. if people harass you, hold your head up high and just walk right past them.  Even if you don't feel confident or flippant, fake it.  Nothing pisses off people more than not getting upset when they want you to be.  And nothing takes away their power quicker.   There'll always be people who refuse to see you the way you see yourself.  Don't let them decide your self-image or self-worth.  Just see them as simple idiots and let them go- focus on the good and the people who believe you and see you and treat you right.

[Zelane]

I can tel you what I did:

I did it in college and the mentality can be a bit different, a bit more mature.

While contemplating transition and started with therapy I started talking with some teachers I feel I could trust them. I talked to one and she offered her support even to start calling me by the right pronouns if I wanted from them on. I told her to wait until I was ready and fulltime. But I asked her to keep and eye and ear open for comments and stuff and to help me educate the other teachers.

I came out to my classroom during a class. We uh, were talking about a theme that were kinda close to m situation and I couldnt more and I did it... At least the teacher present was sympathetic and allowed me to speak. Once it ended I waited for her to talk and explain in more detail. But by then I was already on HRT and showing some signs.

By that I already told my closest friend in school about the changes and that. One of them freaked out (well hes a pervert, I didnt expected less XD) But he came around fast, he was shocked.

I decided to wait until vacations to go fulltime and when I returned it was quite a bit of a shock to some but still all good. I first did a trial with some friends and a teacher (the first one) in the school asking them if I looked ok with the proper clothing.

I then talked with the dean to inform him of the situation and to see if he had any questions or problems with my transition. We talked and he was already aware of the situation. And told me he was unsure of things but that things like the bathroom and the students reaction was being favorable.

I then found out that one of my teachers who I thought was going to have problems with him. He did an amazing demonstration of full support by addressing me by the right pronouns like it was nothing. It was exactly what I was looking for.


You see, if the teachers show a proper precedence. Addressing you in your right name and pronouns and giving you your place. The students cant help but follow. Of course there are gonna be some jerks. But you can shun those away and dont listen.

So what I did, I was honest and open with them. After all transition ITS something very visible while in school if you arent changing schools.

[Teknoir]

Hmm... I wasn't out at school (oh boy... was THAT a lifetime ago!  ). I do know about harassment though.

I was different enough to get people screaming "freak" at me, being spat on, shoved, knocking my lunch out of my hand, being told to "watch your back", and some... err... "interesting" things written in the toilets about me and a certain inclination to do things with androids (That were supposed to be insulting... but I just found them rather funny).

It tapered off by about grade 10 (except the android thing... no matter how many times I denied it  ).

You learn to deal with it. School isn't the be all and end all of life it appears to be from the inside. Once you're finished there, you'll probably never speak to those people again.

Ignoring people is all well and good - but they'll just keep going until they get a reaction, and people are going to think you're sooking.

I found it was best to give them a reaction, but give them something that says you don't care what they think. Cynical is good. Angry or upset will just egg them on.

A deadpan responce of 'Wow... that was mature", "Uh huh... whatever", "Are you finished yet?", "Try harder next time", "(laughing) Wow... it's true. You ARE a complete tool!" and things along those lines worked well for me. You've just got to get the inflections right and you're set. If I was feeling lazy, I'd just look at them blankly for 2 - 3 seconds with raised eyebrow and go back to whatever I was doing.

Kids pick on what they percieve as weakness. Stand tall and be proud of who you are, and eventually they'll figure out that your difference is not a weakness and leave it alone.

Having a chat to the teachers before class is a good idea. Show up early during the first few days back and try to hit up the staff rooms before school starts. Teachers don't like having to stop class / delay class to have talks with students, so this might be a better way to go about it.

[Patrick]

]

All I know is.. if people harass you, hold your head up high and just walk right past them.  Even if you don't feel confident or flippant, fake it.  Nothing pisses off people more than not getting upset when they want you to be.  And nothing takes away their power quicker.   There'll always be people who refuse to see you the way you see yourself.  Don't let them decide your self-image or self-worth.  Just see them as simple idiots and let them go- focus on the good and the people who believe you and see you and treat you right.

I really try to do this, and I know that there are ignorant people in school who want to bring me down, but I can't always control my temper. If something pisses me off, I won't yell, I'll lecture them about the reasons why what they said was wrong. I mean, I get really defensive when someone says something that is cruel.

I'm definitely going to try my hardest to do this, though. I really think it would help a lot!

I can tel you what I did:

I did it in college and the mentality can be a bit different, a bit more mature.

While contemplating transition and started with therapy I started talking with some teachers I feel I could trust them. I talked to one and she offered her support even to start calling me by the right pronouns if I wanted from them on. I told her to wait until I was ready and fulltime. But I asked her to keep and eye and ear open for comments and stuff and to help me educate the other teachers.

I came out to my classroom during a class. We uh, were talking about a theme that were kinda close to m situation and I couldnt more and I did it... At least the teacher present was sympathetic and allowed me to speak. Once it ended I waited for her to talk and explain in more detail. But by then I was already on HRT and showing some signs.

By that I already told my closest friend in school about the changes and that. One of them freaked out (well hes a pervert, I didnt expected less XD) But he came around fast, he was shocked.

I decided to wait until vacations to go fulltime and when I returned it was quite a bit of a shock to some but still all good. I first did a trial with some friends and a teacher (the first one) in the school asking them if I looked ok with the proper clothing.

I then talked with the dean to inform him of the situation and to see if he had any questions or problems with my transition. We talked and he was already aware of the situation. And told me he was unsure of things but that things like the bathroom and the students reaction was being favorable.

I then found out that one of my teachers who I thought was going to have problems with him. He did an amazing demonstration of full support by addressing me by the right pronouns like it was nothing. It was exactly what I was looking for.


You see, if the teachers show a proper precedence. Addressing you in your right name and pronouns and giving you your place. The students cant help but follow. Of course there are gonna be some jerks. But you can shun those away and dont listen.

So what I did, I was honest and open with them. After all transition ITS something very visible while in school if you arent changing schools.
[/quote


I went that route last year, as well. I first went to the school guidance couselor, and then went to one of the teachers I felt was pre-conditioned to anything having to do with GLBT issues. We decided not to use them in class, but only when we were talking one on one, because like you, I wasn't full time.

My new Humanities teacher asked me what I wanted to be called next year, and once I told him, he said he just wanted me to be comfortable and happy. I have one teacher on my side, at least. =)

Whenever I think about coming out to my friends, I always get the school assembly idea, but I know that that is completely ludicrous and if anything would get me into more trouble with harassment.

Hmm... I wasn't out at school (oh boy... was THAT a lifetime ago!  ). I do know about harassment though.

I was different enough to get people screaming "freak" at me, being spat on, shoved, knocking my lunch out of my hand, being told to "watch your back", and some... err... "interesting" things written in the toilets about me and a certain inclination to do things with androids (That were supposed to be insulting... but I just found them rather funny).

It tapered off by about grade 10 (except the android thing... no matter how many times I denied it  ).

You learn to deal with it. School isn't the be all and end all of life it appears to be from the inside. Once you're finished there, you'll probably never speak to those people again.

Ignoring people is all well and good - but they'll just keep going until they get a reaction, and people are going to think you're sooking.

I found it was best to give them a reaction, but give them something that says you don't care what they think. Cynical is good. Angry or upset will just egg them on.

A deadpan responce of 'Wow... that was mature", "Uh huh... whatever", "Are you finished yet?", "Try harder next time", "(laughing) Wow... it's true. You ARE a complete tool!" and things along those lines worked well for me. You've just got to get the inflections right and you're set. If I was feeling lazy, I'd just look at them blankly for 2 - 3 seconds with raised eyebrow and go back to whatever I was doing.

Kids pick on what they percieve as weakness. Stand tall and be proud of who you are, and eventually they'll figure out that your difference is not a weakness and leave it alone.

Having a chat to the teachers before class is a good idea. Show up early during the first few days back and try to hit up the staff rooms before school starts. Teachers don't like having to stop class / delay class to have talks with students, so this might be a better way to go about it.

Whoa! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that!

At my school we have an anti-discrimination policy in place which includes sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression, although it's not really enforced. Mostly what I'd get is verbal harassment. I wouldn't know about the scribblings in the bathrooms, because I've never been to the girl's bathroom in my school. (I wait until I get home. I know it's unhealthy, but I'd rather get a bladder infection than I would go into the girl's bathroom. Sorry, off topic.)

Androids? xD

Sarcasm and cynicism works wonders! I've almost mastered the art of being a cynic, so that's one of my best defenses.

I'm planning on going about 2-3 days before school opens up, since they'll have some time to get used to it. There are barely any kids around when the teachers are setting up the classrooms.


Thanks SO much for all of your advice! It's truly helpful. I'm going to use it, and I bet all will go well.   

[Zelane]

Androids!   

[Patrick]

I don't even want to know what that means... Like... What were they saying about you and... Androids... ?!?

Argh, something went terribly wrong in my last post.

[Teknoir]

Yeah, they had an anti discrimination policy where I went too, but the only ones who listen to those things are staff.  You run to a teacher, and you're likely to cop it twice as badly. You've just got to be cynical, and hand it right back to them.

I didn't go into the loos either when I was there, but I just had to take a look after I was told about it! 

In the end I though it best to write back underneath one instance (I cannot remember it exactly, but it was along the lines of) - "Data was cute, but Lore was more fun!"  . The authors still had a grudge against me (I have no idea what for... lots of girls hated me for their own crazy reasons ), but to everyone else it just became a funny "failed insult".

Androids!   

Classic.

I don't even want to know what that means... Like... What were they saying about you and... Androids... ?!?

You'll get it when you're older  .