Uh, well, sure. Why not. Introductions. (Much easier in person, when there's someone or some reason to interject yourself into a conversation).
I'm 22, bio-female, and I'm not really sure what I identify as yet. I've almost always worn very unisex clothing, because it was a happy-medium between the practical, boyish clothing I liked, and what everyone else expected and wanted me to be wearing. Hate makeup, bite my nails, and tie my hair in a knot every day to keep it out of the way.
I wouldn't say I 'grew up thinking/wishing I were a boy', because I grew up not even knowing who I was half the time, let alone what gender I was. (rather than gender identity disorder, dissociative disorders. for you psych-studying people.)
Over the past... neh, three years; I'd been working my hardest to try and 'feminize' myself. A lot of time and effort, into actually wearing clothing that fits 'properly'. Women's clothing. From the women's department. Trying to wear skirts. Shorts. Real bras. I always felt absurd, it was like some kind of huge game. Like roleplaying or cosplaying, except to go to work. Sometimes I had fun with it, but usually it was just a huge ball of self-conscious mess bouncing repeatedly against the inside of my skull. Pull your shirt down over your stomach. Don't lift your arms. Don't move your arms, the razor burn hurts. Pull your pants up, your midsection might show. Slouch, your breasts are too obvious. Hair in your face so nobody can see you don't wear makeup. Faking makeup allergies when people asked. Faking perfume allergies for years so I could pass off or decline offers at frilly, nasty scented perfumes, body washes, shampoos, lotion, and the like. Nice on other people? On ladies? Yes. Not so much on me.
A couple weeks ago I snapped. Went on a fugue, bought myself a couple really nice button-down men's shirts, undershirts, a nice pair of black slacks (I already had men's jeans... boxers, etc) and ordered a binder. I'd been wearing two sports bras since sometime in November, so it seemed like a logical thing to try. It came in the mail yesterday, actually.
For reference, I have an eating disorder. I have for a good seven years now (since I was 15). Looking in the mirror last night, was the first time in memory I can say I didn't hate what I saw. That there was some familiarity in what I was looking at. I didn't even mind the visible lump of fat on top of my waistband (something that'd usually push me to self-injury). It wasn't perfect, it wasn't right, but it was better. I can't even describe by how much.
Going to get a haircut tonight. I've been agonizing about it for a couple days now, but there's not much point anymore, because I know I need it cut. Another 22 inches to locks of love, or some other such place. (did this about two years ago - my hair grows like a weed)
Anyway, this is a small snapshot of myself and my life right now. I'm hoping I can find people to relate to here, and hopefully figure out a little bit more about who I am in the process. Who I want to be.
