Never thought I'd do this...

[Arch]

...come out to a family member. I found my brother on Facebook a couple of months ago and have been debating coming out to him. I haven't spoken to him in twenty years.

So I finally sent him a quick message, told him that I had changed my name, and asked him if he wanted to get reacquainted. He sent me a friend request. I'm very out on Facebook, so I didn't want to friend him without telling him about myself first. I wrote a long message and explained that I male, gay, and well into my transition.

I have no reason to expect a negative response, so I'm not really nervous. I mean, I cut him out of my life for twenty years, so I can keep doing that. If he doesn't want to acknowledge me as his brother, that's his decision. But I did tell him that I'm not in touch with our parents and don't want to be. I asked him not to tell them about me.

I'm curious to see his response.

[Cindy]

That sounds interesting.
I've never used Facebook (probably only person in the world) but it sounds an interesting way to establish with (ex) relations. Do let us know how it works out..

I came out to my sister by phoning her and just telling her. She accepted Cindy straight away.

Love
Cindy

[Lachlann]

Best of luck, Arch.

[Janet_Girl]

I wish you the best of luck, Arch.

Family is the hardest people to come out to.  They have a version of yourself and maybe they come to accept us as we are.

And for Cindy.  No, you are not the only one.  I do not have Facebook page ether.  I have a MySpace page, but rarely go there.  They seem to be a meat market and I am tried of all the drama that I have found.

Again, Arch, the best of luck and I really hope that you two come back together.

Janet

[K8]

Good luck, Arch.  I know that you can keep cutting him out of your life, but I imagine that you are anxious to learn his response.  I hope it goes well.

*hugs*
Kate

PS: Facebook?  What's that?

[Arch]

Heh heh. I am pretty new to Facebook myself. But I thought it was time to move into the twenty-first century, especially considering that I'm such a big fan of science fiction and future-oriented literature.

[Nero]

good job, Arch. eagerly awaiting update.

[Jay]

Glad to see you took the bull by the horns!

Looking forward to the up date!

Jay

[Arch]

Well, the news is good. My brother says that he accepts what I told him. From my living situation when he last saw me (I was in a three-way marriage with a man and a woman), he apparently assumed that I was "at least" bi, heh heh. Well, I tried to be bi, I truly did, but women just don't do it for me. I was really just a co-spouse to the same husband back in those days. (I sometimes thought of that relationship as one woman, one man, and...me, whatever the heck I was.) I can understand how my brother arrived at that conclusion, though.

I think that he is having a little bit of a problem separating gender and sexuality. He says that he has gay friends and can also understand something of the trans issue. But he says he would find my news a little easier to take if I had come from the lesbian world and were attracted to women. Trans AND gay is a lot to wrap his mind around.

I imagine he'll get used to it in time. At least he didn't ask the almost-inevitable question, "If you're attracted to men, why couldn't you just stay female?"

That would have been MOST exasperating. 

[sneakersjay]

But he says he would find my news a little easier to take if I had come from the lesbian world and were attracted to women. Trans AND gay is a lot to wrap his mind around.

Everyone around here seems to think being trans (ftm) is just butch lesbian to the extreme.  I lived as a heterosexual female and was married to a man, never attracted to women as a woman, but now can't imagine being with a man and am very, VERY attracted to women.  Go figure.


Jay

[Arch]

Everyone around here seems to think being trans (ftm) is just butch lesbian to the extreme.  I lived as a heterosexual female and was married to a man, never attracted to women as a woman, but now can't imagine being with a man and am very, VERY attracted to women.  Go figure.

This is very interesting. Do you have a theory to explain this phenomenon? Do you think, perhaps, you had latent attraction to women back then but repressed it completely for some reason--perhaps because you were living in the wrong gender? And what do you think happened to your attraction to men--was it inculcated in you by social convention?

[Cindy]

Arch and Jay

This is odd. I'm starting to look at guys and I was totally non-homosexual as male. When I worked in clubs and bars as a guy I was continually being approached by males as being maybe being Gay and then wanting to go out with me (yea read BJ out of the back of the club). I was never interested in guys. Now I'm far more accepting, not ready, but I cannot see myself going out with a girl; sorry I do go out with GG but I have no "male" attraction to them. I in fact love going out with my girl friends as girls, totally love it, completely different feeling that I have ever had. Maybe now I have friends, never had friends in the past? But I am starting to look at guys. Very hesitant, but? No one would be interested in me anyway

Love
Cindy

[K8]

Arch and Jay

This is odd. I'm starting to look at guys and I was totally non-homosexual as male. When I worked in clubs and bars as a guy I was continually being approached by males as being maybe being Gay and then wanting to go out with me (yea read BJ out of the back of the club). I was never interested in guys. Now I'm far more accepting, not ready, but I cannot see myself going out with a girl; sorry I do go out with GG but I have no "male" attraction to them. I in fact love going out with my girl friends as girls, totally love it, completely different feeling that I have ever had. Maybe now I have friends, never had friends in the past? But I am starting to look at guys. Very hesitant, but? No one would be interested in me anyway

Love
Cindy

Uh, Cindy, did you just read my mind? 

I've been hit on by gay guys all my life but was never interested.  I had no problem with the idea of sex with a man but I never met one who appealed to me.  As a little more Katherine each day, I find I relate to women as another woman (and love it ) but am now starting to think it might be nice to cuddle up to a man.

I've heard the "well, maybe you were always gay but were afraid to admit it" line a number of times.  I really don't think I was/am gay.  (I would have loved to be gay instead of TG.)  Through the years I've had lots of gay friends, was comfortable with them and loved spending time with them, but I just wasn't attracted to any of them.

Orientation and identity are two separate things, but perhaps they are related a little.

- Kate

PS – back to our thread here: Arch, that is wonderful news.  It is natural for your brother to conflate sexual orientation and gender identity.  Both my siblings did the same until I gently explained that they were really two separate issues (not withstanding the above comments).  It is wonderful that your brother seems ready to accept you, whatever you are.