Hi all!
I've recently turned 26 and am presently on a regimen of hormones that I started about two months ago. This is the third semi-consecutive year that I've tried to develop feminine attributes via hormones.
The difference this time is that I've matured emotionally. I've been openly "gay" and flirting with the transgendered path for such a time that I'm not afraid who knows, or to dress fem in public and am not concerned with people's opinions. If they want to call me a boy it does not shake my resolve.
Still, I guess I want to relate my story to the community to dispel the thought that I might be making some terrible mistake. I'm almost certain though that it would be a mistake and huge regret to let myself continue aging as male. I've chickened out for so many years already.
I write software for a living and have mostly male-type mental aptitudes. People tell me I'm good looking -but I don't want to be admired "as a man" or for any masculine physical attributes. When women hit on me I dislike it because they're only seeing the outward\false me. When men relate to me as another man I feel totally sick about myself. My body is fairly small for a guy -at barely 5'7'' and 126lbs. I've always enjoyed every small degree to which I can make myself look more feminine.
Up until age 24 I pretty much thought I was straight. I mean, I always knew that _if female_ I would be a heterosexual woman -but didn't think much about what that meant in my actual life.
That all changed two years ago after being on a steady dose of Spiro for a couple months. For the first time, the sort of feelings that had before always felt dirty or embarrassing -somehow felt entirely natural. It allowed me to truly internalize the idea that "I am a girl" and my feelings of inappropriateness vanished on their own.
Long-story-short, I was on hormones for 6 months, 4 of them spent with a steady boyfriend, at which point I was beginning to grow breasts and felt overwhelmed like too-much-too-soon. Combined with a lack of support in my social circle, he basically told me he doesn't date ->-bleeped-<-s. So I quit all hormones. A few weeks later my masculine self-hatred returned, resulting in our relationship falling apart anyway.
Ever since I became brave enough 5 years ago I've been journaling about my desire to be female. On anti-androgens I feel more like myself, more like who I was before the self-hatred set in around puberty.
The biggest thing which scares me off from the transgendered journey is the thought that my desire may be rooted in some sort of heterosexual-male eros turned inward -that is, being attracted to myself as female. Of course, on Spiro my libido is almost non-existent and it's absence does not bother me.
Actually I've just recently come to terms with that I don't want to date girls. Even though I'm sometimes attracted to a woman I realized it was more that I wanted to "be her" and not "be with her". I've never really had a girlfriend anyway. I didn't date anyone until the hormones made me comfortable with myself.
Also troubling to my legitimacy as a transexual is that as a child I had pretty much typical boy behaviors, excepting perhaps a sensitive and non-agressive nature. I had mostly male friends growing up, etc. And yet, I definitely recall cross-dressing privately and wanting to be a girl as early as age 7. It intensified at puberty. At the same time I became a bitter sort of person as my face began to exude angular masculine features. I lived with self-hatred for along time, sort of just accepting it as a way of life. I became a heavy drinker (but have recently overcome that).
Conversely, when in a feminine mindset I feel much more extroverted and lighthearted; much more able to love others and myself.
I've tried to be as matter-of-fact as I can be in this post because I'm afraid of falsely leading someone to a conclusion about me and my case via dramatic prose. That is to say, I distrust my self-admissions and want to let the facts speak for themselves. Yet there are so many other factors to consider such as siblings and parents that I'll probably never untangle that ball of yarn. It's scary to make a life choice like this without fully understanding it.
