Quote from: Quicksand on August 06, 2009, 11:37:57 AM
I was wondering, which of the mental effects would you guys say were more psychological rather than physiological? Like, is there a direct connection between the calm and reduced anxiety some of you have reported, and testosterone's effect on the body/mind, or does it solely have to do with the psychological benefits of aligning one's body and gender identity? Just curious!
I don't know that there's any reliable way for me to tease out the effects and be sure what caused what. However, I am reasonably sure that a significant degree of calmness came directly from the chemical effects of T on my brain.
Soon after I first started T, I went through a phase of aggression that was pretty tough for me to handle effectively. After a couple of months, I felt that I had good control over myself; I calmed down and started feeling more centered than I have ever felt in adult life. I'm in that place now, and I'm loving it. I feel much more confident, assertive, optimistic, and balanced.
Yes, some of these positive effects came from morphological/physical changes, but some of it was undoubtedly chemical. I like to think of those months of aggression as an acclimation period during which my brain chemistry was so significantly altered that I had to learn to get used to it.
T might be something like the only antidepressant that ever worked for me--Wellbutrin. When I tapered onto that med, I felt as if I had been sped up. It was eerie. For weeks, my whole body vibrated so that if you put your hand lightly on my arm, you could feel a faint buzz. The world slowed down; my visual field was disrupted as if I were seeing the world through a sort of time-lapse photography. So when I turned my head to the side, I would get sort of streaky trails at the corners of my vision while the world "caught up" to where my eyes were.
After a couple of weeks, my body began to adjust to the meds, and I felt as if the world and I were operating at the same speed.
When I finally tapered off the Wellbutrin, the world sped up and I slowed down. It was kind of horrible. I couldn't negotiate anything fast--couldn't really track it visually. So for months I could drive my car in the city but not on the freeway because other cars, traveling at freeway speeds, moved too fast for me to negotiate. In due course, I readjusted and felt, once again, that the world and I were in synch.
I think that something similar happened when I went on testosterone. At first, I became more aggressive and cranky and even belligerent at times. I consciously struggled to control my aggression, at first with little success. In due course, the aggression waned considerably and was replaced with a sense of rightness, centeredness, and increased optimism. Now I'm feeling better than ever.
Did my voice change help? Undoubtedly. Did top surgery increase my happiness? No question. But I think that the chemical effects are indisputable. I have noticed that at the end of a shot cycle (a few hours to a couple of days before my shot), I have more trouble focusing and I feel somewhat more depressed than when I'm in the middle of a cycle. I start to feel "off." The longer I've been feeling off, the longer it takes for me to start feeling normal again. There is undoubtedly a psychosomatic element to these effects, but I don't think that's the whole story.
I love T. It makes me feel normal. Me, normal. Wow!
